Blood Gulch Spirits
by SputniK SporK
Summary: Grif spills coffee on the slipspace engine of the UNSC Infinity, sending them back in time and (somehow) turning them back into 16 year olds. The year is 2014, and they're stuck in Japan. Right when Spirits attack. Will they SEAL 'EM ALL? Read and find out! Contains slightly OC Agent Washington and an OC Phantom, since she never shows up in Date A Live manga, anime, and lightnovel.
1. Chapter 1

**Why?**

**...why not?**

**I thought this would be a freaking GENIUS idea! See a bunch of soldiers from the 26th century attempt to seal spirits' powers. But these just aren't ANY kind of soldiers! Why, they're the Blood Gulch Spartans! And when something has the Blood Gulch Spartans involved, you know it's never going to turn out well.**

**I'd appreciate it if you rated and reviewed!**

* * *

"We have a problem!"

"Yeah no sh-t, Grif! Why did you have to spill coffee on the slipspace engine!?"

"BeCAUSE of f-king Caboose!"

"Don't go around blaming people, you bomb lobernin-"

**CRASH!**

"Church, I'm scared!"

"MAN UP, blues! This is the fiftieth time in my life I've ever had to deal with a slipspace engine malfunction! Just... rub some dirt on it?"

"Sarge, I believe a smart choice of action would be to head for the life pods."

"Why don't we throw Grif out so the slipspace portal eats _him _up, but not us?"

"Gee, that's very considering of you." The alarm _finally _blared, scaring the living daylights out of an aqua blue Spartan-II, who was standing right next to it. Private Dexter Grif, one of the laziest Spartan-IIs ever known, had spilled his coffee on the slipspace space-bending machine, so now they were f-ked. "Sarge! Simmons! You're both, like, engineers! Go fix it!"

A Spartan-II in maroon armor ran up to the slipspace drive as UNSC medics, marines, engineers, and pilots were all running back and forth, screaming their faces off and scrambling for the life pods. He tried to pry off the panel blocking the controls, but it was no use. It was bolted straight into the machine itself. "I can't get the f-king thing off!" He cried, pulling on it and even considered kicking it in, which served no use. However, the red Spartan-II got the shotgun lying by his side, racked the pump, and nudged the maroon Spartan-II aside.

"Stand back, Simmons! I have the MASTER KEY! The SHOTGUN!" Before Simmons could react, the red Spartan fired at the panel, blowing it to smithereens as well as the controls inside. "PRIVATE GRIF! How many times do I have to tell you NOT TO LOAD MY SHOTGUN WITH BIRDSHOT!"

"That was birdshot?" Grif, the orange-colored Spartan-II, asked in confusion. "If that's birdshot... and does _that _much damage... now I see why there are so many red clouds appearing on the battlefield near Sarge!"

"SARGE!" Cried Simmons as buckshot-filled circuits spilled out of the machine. "IT'S DESTROYED!"

"We're all gonna die!" Screamed the aqua Spartan-II, running in circles and yelling like a moron (oh, wait...). "God have mercy on us!"

"Since we're all gonna die... I WANT TO HAVE NO REGRETS!" Cried Sarge, and soon, Grif found the shotgun belonging to Sarge being aimed at his head. "Grif, it was not nice knowing you!"

The aqua colored Spartan-II started running in the direction of the escape pods as the gigantic spaceship started to rock back and forth. "F-k this!" He yelled. "Caboose! Guys, come on!" Caboose, the only dark blue Spartan-II, looked around in confusion.

"Oh, man, look at that explosion!" Caboose exclaimed happily, pointing down the hallway to a rapidly expanding ball of fire, engulfing poor crew members.

"Caboose, you sonofa-"

* * *

Simmons kicked a section of hull plating off of him. "S-Sarge?" He asked fearfully, looking around cautiously. To be precise, he was in a metal graveyard. The UNSC Infinity was a big ship, yes, it was. But a shipwrecked UNSC Infinity was scary as f-k, because jagged pieces of metal were _everywhere. _The floor was now the ceiling, and the ceiling was now the floor. Light shone up from the new floor, displaying a gruesome image of a UNSC pilot impaled through the heart by a sharp section of the hull, dripping blood on the floor. Crap was everywhere. Weapons. Limbs. He even saw a grand piano that had flattened an unfortunate marine's head, as well as signs of a previous explosion and fire in the entire left side of the UNSC Infinity. Luckily, he still had his maroon powered assault armor, which completely covered his body.

"Is it a spider!?" Shrieked a voice down the hallway. It belonged to one of Simmons's friends, Franklin Delano Donut, or just "Donut". He saw Donut in his pink Spartan-II armor running towards a confused Simmons, splattered in blood that didn't even belong to him. Over his shoulder, Simmons saw thousands of tarantulas scuttling in their direction, including three on Donut's helmet. "GET IT OFF!" He screamed, slapping at his visor while Simmons calmly picked all 3 of them off. "S-Simmons! What happened!?" He cried, jumping on his back and clinging to him tightly as the spiders continued to head in the same direction, ignoring Donut and Simmons.

"Grif spilled coffee on the slipspace engine, and now we ended up here. But I don't know where _exactly _'here' is." Slowly letting Donut down, Simmons activated the night vision on his helmet. "Come on. This way." He motioned to Donut, opening a door and letting a corpse dangle in front of his face. "OH F-K!" He yelped, taking out his M6 Magnum and firing a hole through its face. "Oh... just a corpse... ok..." He continued through the door, into what he assumed was the hangar. If one were to let a dozen 4 year olds in a room full of model spaceships and let them throw them around, the end result would be similar to what Simmons and Donut saw.

"Wow!" Donut gawked in amazement. "And I never knew coffee could accomplish so much!" But the hangar's entrance, the entrance where the spaceships entered, was completely demolished, letting in bright light. "And there's the outside world! Are we.. on... EARTH!?" He grabbed Simmons by the shoulders and jumped up and down in joy. "We landed on Earth! WE LANDED ON EARTH!" Donut threw the rifle off of his back and sprinted straight for the light, a few hundred meters away and steadily approaching.

"But not just _any _place on Earth..." When Simmons caught up with Donut, he could see a bustling city ahead of them and a bunch of news helicopters circling around them, as well as the fire department, the police, and thousands of cars parked at the scene. Checking his HUD, Simmons looked back at the hangar and then at the city. "We're in..."

* * *

"Did Grif die?" Sarge asked hopefully, trudging through some thick, slimy, dark red liquid. "Is this his foul blood we are walking in?" Bending down to take a sample with his finger, he looked at the substance resting on his finger. "Caboose? What do you think?"

"Grif has this much blood in his body?" Caboose asked in awe, walking right next to Sarge, who had his shotgun out just in case he saw Grif still alive. Two beams of bright light, coming from their helmets, were the only things cutting through the darkness.

"It's probably, I dunno..." Tucker responded, using his energy sword as a source of light, "...blood mixed in with oil? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!" He scooped up some of the viscous liquid and rested the blade of his sword against it. It immediately burst into flames. "Yep. Blood mixed with oil." He tripped over a corpse lying at the bottom of the blood marsh, sending him faceplanting into the red liquid and causing him to drop his sword.

"Uh, oh!" Caboose grabbed Tucker's energy sword before the entire room turned into a fire party, then deactivated it. "Tucker? Are you okay? Did Grendel's mom eat you?" All of a sudden, Tucker emerged, splattered in the blood-oil combo.

"Son of a b-tch!" Tucker cried in disgust, brushing himself off. "Church, why didn't you tell me there was a corpse there!?"

The AI residing in Caboose's neural implant shot back, "Well, Caboose's helmet doesn't have eyes on the back of it! A-shole." He muttered.

"HAHA!" Sarge suddenly whipped around and fired his shotgun at a frozen, skinned pig. Its frozen chunks of meat were blasted off into an icy and meaty mist, leaving only the legs left. "Oh. I thought that was Grif."

"Seriously, why are you obsessed with killing Grif?" Church asked in boredom. "Your plans never work anyways."

"Shut up, blue!" Snapped Sarge, infuriated at Church's comment. "How about the time we killed the Meta, huh? Or the time we, like... we took out Agent Washington?"

"I just noticed something." Church pointed out. "No, I'm not trying to change the subject. Why do you sound different?"

"What?" Sarge asked, then suddenly noticed his voice sounded higher. "What the h-ll!? What's wrong with my voice!?"

"ME TOO!" Shouted Tucker, grasping his helmet in horror and removing it, then looking at the visor's reflection. "AAAHHHH!" The Indian Spartan-II screamed in horror, staring at his reflection.

Caboose did the same. "I'M YOUNGER!" He yelled in joy, dancing around in happiness. "Yaaay! I can go back to Legoland now!"

"But we're teenagers!" Protested Tucker. "Teens are too old to go to Legoland!"

"How could this happen!" Sarge asked in horror, almost gouging his eyes out. "Hey, I remember this hairstyle! It's like the one Duke Nukem has!"

"Didn't you say you had that hairstyle when you were sixteen?" Pointed out Church, trying to convey something to the three Spartans.

"Hey, yeah!" Sarge remembered, smiling at his memories. "I _did _have this hairstyle when I was sixteen."

_Silence._

"Wait.. when I was sixteen?" The truth shot through Sarge's veins and hit his brain.

"_AAAHHHHHHH_!"

* * *

"OMG!" Donut squealed in excitement, sliding down the hill of debris and finally reaching the ground. "I love Japan! They brought us awesome toilets, Dance Dance Revolution, and last but not least... ANIME AND MANGA!" Simmons tried to catch up with Donut as he started sprinting to the city, displaying his high-tech, revolutionary Spartan-II armor to the whole world.

"WAIT! DONUT!" Simmons cried. "We don't want them to know we're part of the UNSC, remember! We're supposed to keep our identities a secret!" Simmons's armor unfolded into a crimson backpack, and his bodysuit deactivated, leaving him in his white long-sleeved shirt with a maroon t-shirt over it, as well as... KHAKIS.

"Oh, yeah!" Donut's armor unfolded as well, followed by his bodysuit deactivating. "I just got this shirt and bootcut jeans for a STEAL!" He exclaimed happily, displaying his pink flannel t-shirt and bootcut, dark jeans.

Simmons asked, "How much did they cost?" The cool thing about Donut's armor was that it unfolded into a _wrist watch. _A friggin' _wrist watch! _How cooler could it be? But Simmons.. HE HAD A BACKPACK! When he was walking around with it in the public, everybody suspected he was carrying a bomb or something like that.

"$300 total, why?" Donut answered innocently.

"Nobody pays $300 for clothing." Simmons muttered under his breath. "Nothing, it just looked... expensive. Wait, why do you look different? Why do we sound younger?" Simmons suddenly had a panic attack. "OH SH-T! Donut, a side affect of a malfunctioning slipspace drive is... REVERSED AGE!?" He cried in terror, then yelled, "SCREW YOU PUBERTY!"

"We're... younger!?" Taking a mirror out of his pocket, Donut looked at his reflection. "Hey! I'm sixteen again! WE'RE sixteen again! YEAHAH PAR-TAY!" He cheered, running around in circles.

"Oh, joy." Simmons facepalmed.

* * *

"Where... are we?" Sarge slid down the hill of debris, looking at the city and circling helicopters above them.

"Seriously." Reiterated Tucker. "I. Am. So. Freaking. Happy that I am 16 AGAIN! WOO HOO!" He swan-dived into the slide of debris, rolling down the hill and reaching the bottom right before Caboose slid down and accidentally smashed Tucker's groin with his feet. "OHOWW! OOOWW! Mother f-ker, Caboose! What was that for!?"

"Sorry." Caboose apologized. "Hey! I know this city! We're in.. Japan!"

"JAPAN!?" Sarge asked incredulously. "I don't know how to speak Japanese! Koninchiwa? That's all I know!"

"I know how!" Caboose volunteered his so-called 'superior' Japanese-speaking skills. "Ching chang chong chang ching wo tao bu jing hao de-"

"That's racist!" Tucker snapped, but slowly erupted into giggles.

"-Kore de wa?" Finished off Caboose, pointing upwards. After he heard an awkward wooshing noise above him, Tucker looked up and gaped in horror and awe.

Church yelled, "HOLY SH-T! Guys! RUN! F-king drop the sh-t and run!" Hovering above them were 15 girls. All were around 16 years old, pretty hot, and wore revealing mech suits armed with lasers and missiles. "Unless their weaponry can do jack sh-t against us, which I strongly doubt, I think it's safe to say that we are utterly and totally... f-ked." They all took out scary-looking laser rifles and aimed them at Tucker, Caboose, and a dumbfounded Sarge.

"COOL!" Caboose was friggin' freaking out. Now, Caboose had the mind of a child because of his mental condition. And children like laser guns and gigantic robots, as well (they will never admit it) as girls. Pretty and cute girls. Now imagine if you were to combine them and make them that boy's reality. At the _least,_ he would freak out and parade through the streets, throwing money everywhere and screaming from pure happiness. "R-robot girls! Tucker! LOOK! Pretty girls in robot suits with laser guns!"

"Hey, baby, are you from outer space?" Tucker asked, smirking. "'Cause your a-s is _outta this world! _AH!" He suddenly yelped, hopping back and dodging a burst of lasers from them.

Sarge grimaced. "I've never hit a girl in my whole life! And it would d-mn suck if we had to... wait, did the _Infinity's _fusion reactors explode yet?" All of a sudden, the ground shook like a hummingbird on meth, followed by an eerie screeching noise and purple light erupting everywhere. Turning around, Sarge saw the UNSC Infinity being tossed up in the air with purple rays of light shooting out of it.

"Oh, you son of a bitc-"

* * *

"Oooowwwww!" Wailed Donut, crawling along the floor. "Grif, why did you have to spill coffee on the slipspace engine?" Donut still had a bunch of things to worry about. When he was taking an engineering class during his training, he learned that not _all _fusion reactors are 100% radioactive-free, such as the UNSC Infinity's fusion reactors. Also, to add to his bad luck, Donut was near one of the reactors that was scheduled to be replaced, because it was a FISSION reactor! Not only that... during the explosion, the _Infinity _was completely f-ked up. Shards of metal were everywhere in various sizes, and one landed on Donut's unlucky side, giving him a bleeding forearm.

A tarantula skittered across a section of hull plating and looked at Donut.

"W-what!?" Donut cried, shuffling and crawling away. "Get away from me! Go! SHOO!" It leaped on his wounded forearm and bared its fangs. "NO! GO AWAY! YOU'RE RADIOACTIVE! NOOOOO-" He shrieked, but it was far too late. The spider was curled up on the floor, dead, but NOT BEFORE IT BIT DONUT ON THE EXPOSED AREA! "AAAHHHHH!" Donut screeched, clutching his arm. "Jesus tap-dancing Christ! Dirty wh-re! But man, you have sexy legs!" Donut suddenly complimented. "Ow! Oooowwwww! It hurts like salt on a cut!"

"Donut!?" Shouted a familiar voice incredulously, one that belonged to a purple-armored Spartan-II. "Is that you?" All of a sudden, Donut was blinded by daylight, and standing above him was the friendly face of Doc. Frank "Doc" DuFresne, although Donut couldn't see through the visor of his helmet. But he was positive he was smiling. "Oh, thank god! Donut! What happened!?"

"DON'T SAY IT!" Warned Grif, who was dragging along an unconscious Simmons.

"Umm.. the slipspace drive malfunctioned!" Donut responded.

"...because Grif spilled coffee on it..." mumbled Simmons as he slowly woke up.

Doc looked at Grif and held up his hands in a _WTF?_ manner. "Grif, why did you spill coffee on the translight... _slipspace_ engine!? I'm not a scientist, but I do know the consequences of a slipspace drive malfunctioning! This includes the death and/or disappearance of the entire crew! You should be ashamed of yourself, but at least we ended up in Japan!"

"The place of hot chicks who are smart and hot ecchi anime." Grif smiled, looking at the city. "HEY! Where the heck are the others!? CABOOSE! TUCKER! Come the f-king on, where ARE they!?" Suddenly, Grif and Simmons flew into Doc just as he was helping Donut up, thanks to a sudden wall of flames rising up. "HEY! What the h-ll was THAT FOR- uh, Simmons?" Grif looked dead ahead to an awkward but heavenly sight; About 14 years of age was a mildly attractive girl, surrounded by flames. Along with them was her pink hair tied into 3-foot long twintails, dancing in the air. She wore a white and golden robe, _also _covered by a thin layer of flames, holding a friggin' huge fire axe in one hand. She looked scary as h-ll, though, from the way her eyes with pink irises figuratively bored two holed into Simmons's head.

"Uh... what?" Doc just choked out in surprise. "How... what... how did she... why... guys, did you see that?"

"Do you also see how the sky is blue?" Grif rolled his eyes. "Of course I saw that, Doc. We all saw a 14 year old hot babe appear in front of us in the most peculiar way."

Simmons corrected, "Peculiar MY A-S! That was an epic, dramatic, and unbelievably sexy pyrotechnic entry!"

Just then, the 15 girls in mech suits flew up to surround the 4 spartans and fiery chick.

"I see..." Said the fiery girl, deep in thought. "...so if you're not affiliated with them, what do we do?"

"JEEZ!" Doc noticed the large gash on Donut's arm. "Shiznoodle, Donut! Do you feel dizzy... or weird... or anything like that? Do you have increased temperatures or numbing?"

"No, it just HURTS! AAHHHH!" Donut shrieked in pain.

"Holy sh-t!" Grif also noticed Donut's wound. "That looks brutal, dude! What the h-ll happened to you!?"

Donut removed his helmet and sneezed blood all over his right forearm. "Ah... ah... a spider bit me! It really hurt! A gosh darn tarantula! Like, the size of a baseball mitt!"

"Uh, guys, we're surrounded." Grif warned. "Now, GET US OUT OF HERE!"

"So you were bitten by a spider..." Doc observed the wound. "It looks fresh... uh oh, this can't be good."

"What?" Donut cringed, contemplating what would happen to him if the wound was left ignored. "What could happen to me!?"

"Well, for starters," Doc said, observing Donut's wound. "...everything inside the Infinity would have been caught in the effective blast range of the fission reactor. That means everything inside would have been blasted with fatal amounts of radiation, including the spider that bit you. Normally, you would just get radiation sickness, which your armor can automatically take care of. HOWEVER, thanks to your genetic and physical augmentations given to us by the UNSC... there is a good chance... abnormalities can occur. They could range from birth-defected children to... I don't know. It's just that our augmentations, like..."_  
_

"F-k up?" Grif suggested, backing up against Simmons and looking around for a possible weapon. "'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE IF WE DON'T RUN! Wait... Doc... did you say... Donut was bitten by a spider? A... radioactive one?"

"Yes." Said Doc and Donut simultaneously. "Donut was bitten by a radioactive spider."

"HO-LY SH-T." Grif suddenly shouted in disbelief and happiness. "DONUT! You were bitten by a... RADIOACTIVE SPIDER! Do you know what that means!?"

"Grif..." Donut laughed in absurdity. "...just because I was bitten by a... radioactive spider, it doesn't mean that I turn into spiderman! See?" He aimed his injured arm at a DEM girl. "Nothing's happenin_OH CRAP!_" He yelled. The DEM girl Donut was aiming at flew back with the excessive force of the webbing and smashed into the floor.

_Silence._

"Yeah..." Doc mumbled, dumbfounded. "...I'm gonna pretend I never saw that..." Donut aimed his hand at another DEM girl and fired a web out from his palm, and that was when sh-t hit the fan. All the other started firing their lasers. Their rockets. Everything they had. The stringy web wrapped around the DEM girl, and Donut swung her like a bat into 9 other DEM girls, leaving 4 left.

"NINE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WH-RES!" Donut cheered in success, high-fiving Grif.

"Who... one of the girls demanded, aiming her laser rifle at Donut. "...who the _h-ll _are you?"

"The name's Franklin Delano Donut!" Donut jabbed a finger in his chest and took on a heroic pose. "But from now on, you should all refer to me... as... SPIDER DONUT! OR... DONUT MAN! That's it... DONUT MAN! Fear the webbed donut!"

"C'mon." One of the girls suggested. "We should cut and run."

"WE DIDN'T EVEN KILL THE SPIRIT YET!" The leader protested. However, Donut fired a web at the remaining four, using it to wrap them up like a burrito.

"Which way is home?" Donut asked as they tried to shoot their way out of the web, met with unsuccessful attempts. "Man, this web is STRONG! It can resist lasers?! I HAVE THE BEST POWER EVER!" The leader pointed to the city, and as a result, Donut swung them around as if he was spinning a lariat and tossed them to the city like a pro. No, not like a pro. Like a _donut._

"GO F-K YOURSELVES WITH A CACTUS!" Shouted the fiery girl to the remaining DEM girls, who were scrambling away and flying to the city. "DEM Industries... those idiots can kill themselves for all I care..."

"Uh... are you okay?" Simmons asked, hurrying over to the girl. "Did they, uh, shoot you or anything?"

"No." She smiled. "You absorbed all of their attacks for me, which is _something _I'll thank you for."

"ME!?" Grif shouted, smiling.

"Not you, baka." The girl muttered. "Just you! What's your name?" She asked Simmons, whose million-dollar powered assault armor was scorched black THANKS TO THE FRIGGIN' LASERS AND MISSILES.

"Uh... Simmons. Private Dick Simmons of the UNSC!" Simmons saluted, bowing down to her. "It is an honor to serve you."

"Kiss a-s." Grif facepalmed, falling to the floor in exhaustion from dodging the missiles and lasers.

"LAZY A-S!" Simmons shot back, then faced the girl. "So... uh... what's _your _name?"

"They call me 'Efreet'." All of a sudden, the girl sat down, and as a result, a wall of flames erupted around the two. "I like this setting because it gives us more... privacy." Simmons nervously looked over his shoulder to see if his 3 friends were still there. But he couldn't see jack sh-t through the flames.

"GRIF!" Sarge yelled as Grif heard the sound of a safety flipping off behind his head. "Where the h-ll have you been!?" BANG! Instead of Grif's head exploding, his ears nearly did, because for SOME REASON, Sarge was trying to shoot AT THE WALL OF FLAMES! "Doc, am I glad to see you! Tell me, what the h-ll is that thing? A firenado?"

"OOH! How about _Sharknado!?_" Caboose suggested, happy as ever as he rejoined the rest of his friends. "Oh, hey, guys! We finally found you! What's that?" He pointed to the fire vortex, spinning and roaring as it grew in size. "Did it eat somebody?"_  
_

"Yes, in fact!" Doc shouted nervously. "SIMMONS!"

* * *

**I don't think this chapter turned out well, do you? But luckily, I already have the rest of the story planned out! This includes who is going to be matched up with who, based on my opinions and the characters' personalities. Please R&R!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I FINALLY FOUND THE SONG NAME FOR MY FAVORITE FIFA 14 MENU THEME! It's called "Worship You", and most of the lyrics sound like gibberish and/or a foreign language, but if you play it along while reading the lyrics, it starts to make sense.**

**Seeing a bunch of idiots try to make tsundere, yandere, kuudere, and dandere girls will be a challenge for them, but something fun for me to write! See how Sarge is supposed to be paired with Kurumi? Well, just imagine WHAT is going to happen. Just... IMAGINE.**

**On with the story! And as always, please rate and review! Sorry for not updating in a while, btw.**

* * *

"If you're not Deus Ex Machina Industries, then... who do you work for?" The fiery girl demanded, sitting down and crossing her legs. Inside the fiery whirlwind seemed so... peaceful and zen. It wasn't very hot at all, surprisingly for Simmons. He slowly removed his helmet and sat down to face her. _Wow, she IS pretty! This is my chance! This is my chance to get a girlfriend and show the others back at the UNSC that I'm not just a nerd! This is perfect! _"I said, who do you work for-"

"The UNSC, ma'am!" Simmons responded, saluting. "Question, ma'am!"

"Drop the ma'am crap." The girl insisted, reclining on the floor and crossing her arms behind her head. "Yes? What's your question?" She asked, kind of annoyed at Simmons's kiss a-s personality.

"What... what are you?" Simmons questioned, just noticing that HE COULD SEE UP HER KIMONO'S SKIRT AND AT HER PANTIES. _Wait, what panties? _His hormones were bouncing off of the walls, taking cocaine, heroin, and meth. SHE WAS WEARING NO PANTIES! "Augh! STOP IT!" Simmons slapped himself across the face and swiped at something invisible in front of him, his thoughts swept away. "Sorry 'bout that."

"You don't know?" The girl sighed, sitting up and looking at him then tilting her head. "Well, I'm not surprised, since you're not one of _them. _I am a spirit. Not a ghost. A spirit, according to the human definition... is a 'being that takes on the form of an attractive human female and possesses magical powers as well as the ability to create spacequakes at its will'."

Simmons conjectured, "I'm assuming a spacequake is a storm of antimatter?"

"Yes." The spirit answered. "You are correct. A spacequake is a tornado-like storm composed mainly of antimatter, and when the funnel makes contact with the ground, that's when sh-t really hits the fan." She abruptly concluded. "Up to this date, I've created arooooound... let's see... 10 spacequakes? Yeah, that's about right. 10 spacequakes. And approximately 2 million dead."

"WHAT?" Simmons backed away cautiously from her, holding his hands up in fear. "2-2 million?!"

"Hey," The spirit protested, "I know a spirit who's killed, like, 50 million from her spacequakes. Small wonder they call her 'Nightmare'. And I won't kill you. You aren't worth it." Feeling insulted and relieved at the same time, Simmons cautiously sat down and inched, no- not inched, millimetered closer and closer to her. "Anyways, DEM Industries kills spirits, 'cause that's one of the two ways to stop them." She laid down again, and Simmons could once more look up her kimono.

_Yodel yay ee hoo_

"E-eh, what's the other way?" _THINK UNSEXY THOUGHTS! THINK UNSEXY THOUGHTS! _Simmons frantically thought, trying to look away, but his neck and eyes weren't letting him.

"Have them fall in love with you... and KISS THEM!" She yelled, leaping to her feet and crossing her arms while looking up. "So why are you here? Do you want to seal my powers as a spirit?"

"YES!" Simmons stood up and took on a heroic pose. "If it's for the greater good, if it's for the greater tomorrow, if it's for the very _existence _of tomorrow, I'll do anything the EASY and SMART way! First of all, I don't want to kill you, because, well, it's the right thing to do, not killing little girls. Well, you're not little, you're, like, 14 or something. Also, I can't kill you, well, I'm a normal human! You could burn me to a crisp if you wanted to, but if you hated me, I would be ashes now, wouldn't I?"

"I-It's not like I _like _you or anything!" The spirit suddenly shouted. "B-BAKA!" _Aha! _Simmons had an epiphany. _So I'm assuming she's a tsundere, a person who shows hostility to a certain person but eventually ends up showing their true feelings! And I know just the way how to seal this spirits' powers!_

"Uh... what's your name?" Simmons asked awkwardly, scratching the back of his head in nervousness.

"I don't have one, but DEM Industries calls me 'Efreet'." Answered Efreet, crossing her arms and looking away. "W-why are you staring at me like that?"

"O-oh, nothing!" Simmons quickly covered up, shoving his helmet back on. "I know! Why don't I show you around the city? See, all humans don't want to kill you. I am one of those humans. I can show you that humanity isn't just a bloodthirsty species, yearning to kill spirits! So... as a sign of.. uh.. peace... let's go on a little something..." _Oh god I hope I don't botch this up! _Mentally pleaded Simmons. "...a date." The fiery vortex surrounding the two died down, revealing the rest of the Blood Gulch Spartans surrounding the two, all raising their weapons and ready to open fire on Efreet. Doc, Caboose, and Donut were unarmed, however.

"SIMMONS! Are you all right?! Did she interrogate you for UNSC secrets?! Did she brainwash you? Don't worry, Simmons, I can read your mind!" Sarge shouted, flipping the safety off of his shotgun. "Now slowly, step away from the girl with the fire axe. And you... slowly put down your fire axe and nobody gets hurt."

"Guys, put your weapons down!" Simmons facepalmed. "She also doesn't want to hurt anybody, so just... stop provoking her. Plus, you can't hurt a girl, riiiight?"

Sarge's hands were shaking. "I-I can't!" He cried dropping his shotgun in dismay. "I'm weak! All sergeants but me have no hesitation! WHAT IS UP WITH ME!?"

"Uh, Sarge," Grif looked to his superior in confusion, "last time I remember, you weren't this soft."

"He can't hurt a girl, remember?" Tucker reminded Grif. "Yeah, if Sarge has another weakness besides his overcomplicated tactics, it's probably how he can't hurt females."

"Who are these idiots?" Scoffed Efreet. "Your so-called 'friends'? Look, they can't even hold their guns right. That fellow's gun is loaded with crayons instead of proper ammunition," She pointed to Caboose then said, "pinkie over there doesn't know until now that his rifle's safety is on-"

"It's not pink," Donut reiterated for the billionth time in his life, "it's LIGHTISH RED!"

"-lightish red, salmon, whatever." Waved off Efreet. "Anyways, I'm just wondering why you hang out with idiots like these if they _really _are your friends." Tucker, being overwhelmed with insult, dropped his sword.

"HEY!" Simmons argued. "I've known them for a few years now, and trust me, they are NOT idiots. For example, Sarge, the guy in red, he has great leadership skills and is the best mechanic I know. Uh... and that's it."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN IDIOT?" Demanded Caboose intimidatingly. Simmons facepalmed in utter annoyance and let out a low, long sigh.

"Yes, we can be idiots at some times, and we can even be a-sholes occasionally. But we stuck together when we needed each other, and even though we failed most of the time when doing so, like when trying to fight Agent Texas, well... we stuck together. That's the important part. That's what matters most, and that is something Sarge and Chuch managed to accomplish. Oh, yeah, Church is an artificial intelligence, so you can't really see him-"

"B-tch please." Church bellowed, activating his hologram so it shone out of Caboose's helmet. "Artificialintelliganceception, B-TCHES!"

"Can you guys please BEAR WITH ME?" Simmons cried out. "JUST A FEW SECONDS! I just want to point out something. We're in Japan. The UNSC Infinity has crashed. We haven't been receiving ANY ORDERS from the UNSC. At. ALL. So what do we do? We do what we normally do."

"Sleeping?" Grif guessed, raising his arm.

"No, Grif." Sarge groaned. "Not sleeping. We do the right thing. It's something called integrity. And I believe, that right now, the right thing to do is to KILL GRIF!" He suddenly raised his shotgun and fired it in Grif's direction, but since Grif was a few meters away, all of the buckshot flew around him. "D-mmit, wind! Why do you have to act up at such a critical moment?!"

"Great." Church sighed. "Just great. None of us know how to speak Japanese, and I'm positive that most of the people here IN THIS CITY speak terrible English. Singlish. The only Spartan-II I know is Spartan-007 Spork, but then again, who knows what he's up to, 'cause, well... he's Spork. Now we are constantly under the threat of those chicks flying around in mech suits with laser guns, swords, and missiles, and also this person over here." He looked at Efreet, then back at the group. "So, basically, the right thing to do is to radio for help."

"I thought only Singaporean people speak Singlish." Tucker thought out loud.

"I think he meant English with a heavy Asian accent." Donut corrected. "But I want to stay here! If Spork was here, he would head to the nearest manga store and buy it out! But all I want to do is shop and try out the food. Mmm... the food... oh, and the girls here are SEEEEXY as well!"

"Did you also know that grass is green?" Sarcastically shot back Tucker. "As long as they speak English, we're A-OK."

"Guys I know how to speak Japanese!" Caboose shouted cheerfully. "Ching chang chong chang-"

"No, Caboose." Facepalmed Church. "That is not how you speak Japanese. Great, now I just found out our comms are f-ked up. That means we'll have to hobble through the street and babble KONINCHIWA because that's all the Japanese WE KNOW! Donut, can you speak Japanese?"

"Kore de wa!" Donut pleaded. "I mean... this ends now! Guys, stop arguing! Simmons has something to say!"

"Oh, thank god! Thanks Donut." Simmons sighed out in relief. "Uh... guys, meet Efreet! Efreet... meet my friends. Ok, DID I ASK YOU TO RAISE YOUR WEAPONS? Thank you. Anyways-"

"It's best of you leave me alone." Efreet insisted, looking around her cautiously. "Those DEM douches are why you're all in danger. If they see that you are protecting me, then they'll kill all of us. So for your greater good... don't try to interact with the spirits."

"Hah!" Tucker heroically posed. "Well, ma'am, we are not normal humans." Speaking like Spartan 1337, he announced, "Even if you don't wanna know, I'll tell you who we are. WE ARE SPARTANS! We are the true manifestation of the United Nations Space Command, their primary force, their trump cards, their everything! We are the strongest fighting force in the entire galaxy! Do you think chicks in mech suits will stop us?!"

"YES!" Grif was rolling on the floor and scratching himself like crazy. "I can't stop scratching because of this armor!"

"That's what she said!" Tucker guffawed before he got backhand-slapped by Sarge to discipline him. "BOW CHICKA BO-OW! Owww, ok, OK! Sorry!"

"...finally! GUYS, if you don't listen, you are going to regret it later. As I was saying..."

"OOH YEAH INTEGRITY." Grif mimicked Simmons in a nasal voice. "HUEHHUEH INTEGRITY AND SH-T."

"I do not sound like that!" Simmons growled. "I'm pro-pubrescent! Dick. As I was saying, we need to do what the UNSC expects of us. And that is doing the right thing. And right now, the right thing is to help Efreet here AND find a place of residence for all of us. I know just how to do that. Caboose, please hand me your rifle." Tossing it at Simmons, it clocked him in the head and bounced off into his hands. "Look, see? Caboose's rifle- a VK5B- it's the best rifle ever made. It's an ambidextrous bullpup assault rifle, carries 60 7.62x51mm rounds in a small triple-stacked casket magazine, pinpoint accuracy up to two thousand meters, 11 pounds, and jams once in a hundred years. It's probably worth, like, I don't know... a few million dollars for the design and technology? That's enough for us to buy a house, radio back to the UNSC, and assist Efreet because the girls in mech suits- DEM Industries- is trying to hunt her down."

"AND THIS ARMOR IS SO GOD D-MN ITCHY! I CAN'T STOP SCRATCHING!" Grif screamed, trying to throw off his armor and scratch himself.

"That's what she said." Tucker muffled while Sarge was strangling him with his shotgun.

* * *

"Hold on, Efreet! You can't wear that around." Simmons said, now in his casual clothing he wore under his armor. "I mean, if you're wearing a fiery kimono around the city, we'll be pretty noticeable."

"And we will be too!" Tucker argued. "Look at our so-called 'casual clothing'. We ALL wear bootcut jeans and a t-shirt the same color of our armor OVER white long sleeved shirts! How will we NOT be noticeable? Everybody will think we're, like, a terrorist organization or something! Because, you know... terrorists all wear the same thing!"

"But I'm wearing a flannel shirt!" Donut exclaimed as his armor unfolded into a pair of silver aviator glasses. That's right... 20-million dollar powered assault armor unfolded into flipping silver aviators as a feature that would help if they were going undercover. The bada-sery levels were at their limits.

"Yeah, but our armor unfold into METAL backpacks and suitcases. I said METAL backpacks." Church counter argued. "Yes, metal backpacks. Our armor cannot magically change into cloth or fabric or whatever backpacks are made of. And a bunch of people wearing near-identical clothing with backpacks and suitcases. That sounds f-king suspicious as hell. Everybody will be assuming we're carrying bombs and guns! Yes, they're assuming we could be TERRORISTS."

"Doesn't Stratos-009 have her armor transform into a pregnancy test?" Donut suggested.

"Yes, men carrying pregnancy tests will seem friggin' legit." Tucker snickered. "Oh, wait, can't we configure our armor so it transforms into.. like, anything we want? Maybe we can have our armor transform into watches! Nobody will notice, right? Also, it's going to be AWESOME! Like, we just push buttons on our watches like a bada-s and BOOM! We're in our armor."

"Can you program?" Grif asked, tapping the wrist console on his armor. "Like, uh... css-"

"Css is a web programming language, dumba-s!" Tucker shouted. "Even a computer novice like me knows that!"

"Oh I know!" Caboose suggested. "FLASH."

"...no, Caboose." Simmons sighed. "I know. Here, let me..." He tapped rapidly on his armor's wrist panel, and his armor folded into a laptop. "There we go!"

"Can I have mine transform into a laptop, too?" Grif asked. Suddenly, Simmons was flooded with requests. "So I can watch-"

"ONE AT A TIME!" Simmons cried out. "Stop it! I'll come to you eventually! Please! STOP! STOOOP! I can't breathe!"

"That's what she said!" Tucker shouted.

"THAT MAKES NO SENSE!" Church snapped. "STAY BACK, EVERYBODY! Stop getting your tampons in a tie!"

"But men don't wear tampons." Caboose said.

"That's what she said." Tucker giggled quickly. "Eh, what? What did I say?"

"Oh, f-k this!" Tucker shouted, unfolding his armor into the backpack. "Who cares if we have backpacks and suitcases. Everybody will think that 1) we're classy, and 2) we're students. Makes sense, doesn't it?"

"So basically, we're helping Efreet here by HOW?" Church asked again.

"Well, Efreet is a spirit." Simmons explained. "She's not a ghost. She's just a being who takes on the form of an attractive human female, possesses magical powers, and has the ability to create spacial storms of antimatter."

"Wait, what?" Church spoke in confusion. "Antimatter storm? Like a slipspace bomb?"

"Yes." Simmons said. "Exactly. And by helping her, we are going to disguise her as a normal human. A normal human so the DEM doesn't know she's there, yet she's walking around normally like a normal person with a normal life. But don't worry! I've played enough _Wonder Project J2_ in my childhoodto know how to do this correctly!"

"F-k a 1990s game!" Tucker waved off. "Why not a 26th century DATING SIM?"

Simmons and Tucker stared at each other.

"WONDER PROJECT J2!" Simmons shouted, jabbing his thumb at his chest and taking on a pose.

"Dating sim!" Tucker argued, clenching his fists.

"Wonder Project J2 is a classic. The classics are fantastic." Simmons said.

"Retro fag!" Tucker shot back. " I'm known all over the Steam Community as "the holy master of Dating Sims", because I have, like, a virtual HAREM! Hey, how about we have a contest? Whoever wins 3 times in a rock paper scissors match gets to PROVE how good they are!"

"Ok, then." Simmons agreed. "Rock paper SCISSORS!" Simmons threw down paper, but Tucker threw down scissors. "Well, how about THIS! ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!" Tucker chose the trusty rock, but Simmons picked up Tucker's scissors and tried to use it against him. "Darn it! Rock, paper, scissors!" This time, Simmons chose the scissors again, while Tucker chose the paper.

"Rock, paper, SCISSORS B-TCH!" Tucker yelled, choosing scissors as Simmons rocked the house with his rock. "GOD D-MNIT! How did you do that?!"

"You must find a pattern in your enemy's attacks." Simmons declared. "From years of playing chess, I noticed a pattern in your moves. You chose your moves after the game's name; rock, paper, scissors. But you knew I knew you were going to use your moves in that order, so you were going to counter my counter-moves. But I knew you would be doing this, so I counter-counter-counter ATTACKED you, and therefore I won! Counterception, b-tch! WHOO! Wonder Project J2 FTW!"

"Dude, that was a practice round." Tucker complained. "It didn't count."

"Nope." Simmons said in a derpy voice. "I win. Ok, Efreet! I will help you escape DEM. We will help you adapt to the human lifestyle, so DEM will never suspect you. I do not ask of anything in return. It's like a gift from me to you. First of all, you need to change your clothing and ditch the weapon. You'll stick out like a white dot on a black paper."

"That's racist." Tucker sighed, depressed at how he wasn't going to get a chance of getting a GF. Little did he know that he was going to get one... soon. Just not on that day.

"Anyways... you'll need to change into regular human clothes." Simmons reached inside his jean pocket and fumbled around for something that wasn't there. "God Jesus! I swear I had it in here... come on... WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"I know what you can wear!" Grif opened his backpack and took out a Playboy magazine. On the cover was a woman wearing one of those bunny suits. "How about this?"

"Yeah, totally." Agreed Tucker. "But we have to find one, dumba-s OH WAIT! Welp, that was... quick." Efreet, with the help of her spirit powers, transformed her fiery kimono into a bight red bunny suit. "Ohoh, man! BOW CHICKA BOW-"

"Uh huh." Church said in dissatisfaction. "Yes. Having a 14-year old girl dress up in stripper clothing and walking around in a heavily populated city seems like such a good idea. Our reputations will be ruined. They will label us as... I don't know... harass-"

"Harass." Donut said suddenly. "Herass. Her... a-s."

"Dat a-s." Grif agreed.

"Why the h-ll are we even doing this?!" Church screamed, his hologram growing in size until it was 5 meters tall. "IS THIS GO DIEGO MOTHERF-KING GO?! We're just standing around like idiots doing what? Abso f-king lutely NOTHING! Jack sh-t! Why don't we listen to Simmons, huh? Just... do the right thing until the calvary comes in to pick us back up? I mean, if the city needs help, we do what we were trained to do!"

"Yes!" Grif agreed, suddenly full of life. "But first... we need to establish a headquarters with a couch, TV, and fridge! Every headquarters needs these three essential items!"

"D-mnit Grif," Tucker facepalmed, "we don't need a couch and TV."

"That's what she said." Caboose interjected.

"CABOOSE!"

* * *

"I'm telling you, I preferred the bunny suit." Grif mumbled, kicking an empty beer bottle out of his way. After half an hour of arguing what Efreet should wear, Simmons finally decided she should just wear the most CASUAL thing possible (well, at least in America); a white t-shirt with a large neck hole and the flag of Great Britain printed on and short jeans. Not the extremely short kind, just the short jeans that girls wear. "I mean... the ears looked so.. fondle-able."

"Mhm." Tucker accidentally walked into a fire hydrant. "OW! Stupid dog urinal." So far, the Spartans and one spirit were cautiously walking through the city, looking out for any of the DEM girls. It wasn't Tokyo, but it was a friggin' large and loud city. There was at least one flipping cosplay and/or anime/manga store for every 7 buildings, and apparently, they were all advertising an anime and manga adaption of... "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Wonder Project J2 is a friggin' anime series? Good thing I don't watch it..."

"Cheer up, Tucker!" Donut had shopping bags in his left and right hands. "The toilets here are awesome. The merchandise here is awesome. Their culture is awesome. EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!"

"Oh, god," Cried Church, "I hate that stupid song!"

"But I liked the _Lego Movie!_" Caboose whined. "Everything is awesome! Everything is awesome! Ev-"

"At least we're not listening to Pharell's _Happy_." Grif pointed out.

"Happy happy-" Caboose sang, but soon got into a slapfight with Sarge. "Hey! What's wrong? I like the song! It makes me... happy."

"I AIN'T LISTENIN' TO THAT GODD-MN SONG!" Sarge shouted, still slapping Caboose as he got counter-slapped. "Why do people LOVE the song so much? Why do people love annoying songs like 'What does the fox say', 'Gangnam Style', and, oh... GOD... 'WRECKING BALL'?! Jeez, all of the annoying songs were made in the 21st century! More importantly, why are they making an anime adaption for a game that's 500+ years old?"

"'Cause it's one of the best-received games of all time." Simmons explained. "You see, there weren't many games like Wonder Project J2 at the time. It didn't gain much interest until the... ahem... 'retro-fag' explosion of the 2200s, so that's why it's still very popular and the victim of many fan remakes."

"Seriously? These are your friends?" Efreet frowned not in confusion, but in amusement. "I can see that they are definitely... close."

"Does this really deserve a **9.8 RATING? **The anime and manga? Is it really that good? What have I been missing out on when I was a human?" Church asked.

"You were never really a human." Doc pointed out. "AIs weren't and aren't technically humans. They're just the digital clones of people."

"Speaking of 'technically'," Church wondered, "what is the correct usage for it?"

"Guys," Simmons facepalmed and slowly moved his hand down his face so he could pull his eye sockets down, "can't we MOVE ON ALREADY?"

Efreet slapped Sarge across the face, who was still slapping Caboose. "YEAH! Simmons-Kun and I are on a date, and we don't want you guys ruining it."

"Date?" Tucker and Grif looked at each other in horror. "Wait... WHAT? How the f-k can a nerd like Simmons go out-"

"Oh, Simmons-Kun!" Efreet piped up, pointing through the window of a candy store. "What are those things?" She joyously eyed some pink lollipops on display, leaning against the display window with her hands.

"Uh... do you want one?" Simmons already bought a bag full, handing one lollipop to Efreet. "I bought some for us... us two... and maybe Caboose... so he won't be mad..."

"It had better not be poisoned!" Efreet warned, throwing off the wrapper and observing the lollipop glistening in the sun before she put it in her mouth. She kept it in her mouth for a while, just spacing out and having an emotionless face. Nothing could experience the taste of the lollipop; the colors were breaking the laws of physics and adding to the sensation of tastes to Efreet's taste buds, which were already driven insane from the incredible taste. "S-Simmons...-Kun... is this what heaven tastes like?" She asked, slowly turning her head and giving Simmons watery eyes of joy. Removing the lollipop from her mouth, she looked at it again and shoved it back in her mouth. "IT TASTES AWESOMEEEEE!"

"H-hey, look!" Simmons pointed across the street. "A... what? Pyrotechnics show?"

"Can I see can I see can I see?!" Efreet jumped up and down as she asked, gaining attention from nearly everybody in the street. "I love pyrotechnics!"

_She is hot. _Tucker, Simmons, and Grif thought. _Oh.. yeah.. that... that is hot.._

Later...

"EHEH!" Simmons pulled Efreet to the floor as a long wall of flames burst over their heads. "Is this part of the show... OOOOH CRAP. Efreet, uh..." Simmons and Efreet looked at the stage and the roof. But there was no roof. The roof was GONE! Instead of the roof and performers on the stage, there were DEM girls in mech suits. All armed with laser weaponry and missiles. "Sorry, Efreet..."

"D-mn... they have us surrounded..." Efreet backed up into Simmons, who was already taking out his laptop that wasn't really a laptop at all. "...what do we do, Simmons-Kun? I don't want to be taken by the mech people!"

"EFREET! THERE SHE IS!" Shouted one of the DEM girls. "YOU! Whoever you are, step away from Efreet. Now."

"We should have known that this was a trap set up by DEM. Very clever." Simmons grinned like a mad scientist and started to chuckle. "But DEM! You should always disarm your enemy before you capture them." Typing in 'F U' on his laptop, the laptop started to unfold up his hands, down his body, and over his head, morphing into his MJOLNIR MK. VII crimson powered assault armor. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" He yelled like Gandalf the Grey. "Wait... I didn't say it right... ahem... **YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**"

"That's not how you say it." Efreet said. "And now I wish I didn't dismiss your friends earlier." In a red flash, she was back to her spirit form, except instead of a fire axe, she had a fire BATTLEAXE and a red mech fire cannon on her right hand that looked like Samus Aran's arm cannon, except... pyrotechnicized.

"Oh, f-k this!" Simmons cried, taking Efreet by the wrist and running to the exit. But there were 5 DEM girls blocking the way.

"KILL IT BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS!" Ordered the DEM girl in lead, who had a laser shotgun. Simmons and Efreet looked at each other in confusion before running back inside the theater and diving into the sea of chairs.

"I thought female humans don't lay eggs!" Efreet whispered to Simmons, who was trying his best not to scream out in disgust since he was covered in chewing gum and some sticky, greasy substance. Good thing he had armor.

"Now's not the time!" Simmons poked his head out and nearly had a heart attack. "OHSH-T! RUN! Runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun RUN!" Once again taking Efreet by the hand, Simmons grabbed a chair and ran out the entrance to the lobby, throwing the chair through the glass window and jumping through with Efreet. "Sorry I'll return it to you later!" Simmons promised as he kicked a biker off of his two-seat moped and hopped on with Efreet in the back, then sped off into an alleyway. "AUGH! Wrong direction!" The moped sped out of the alley as soon as he saw some pedophile-like pedos lurking around, then down the street as the DEM girls flew into the air with the jetpacks on their mech suits.

Simmons looked at the speed and nearly had a heart attack. 161 freaking kilometers per hour. There was a good reason for that: the street they were on was sloping downwards like San Francisco. "Simmons-Kun!" Efreet pointed ahead of them, straight at a bridge. A drawbridge, to be exact. A particularily large one. In fact, it was so big that it had two sidescrapers on it, one on each side of the bridge. And guess what? The drawbridge was OPEN! And by open, the drawbridge was currently raised so there was a 20 degree incline. "What should we do?!"

"Hold on." Simmons ordered, suddenly standing on the moped's handles. "Piggyback ride."

"What's a piggyback ride!?" Efeet screamed, turning around to see that DEM was still in hot pursuit with them. "HURRY THEY'RE RIGHT THERE!"

"Uh... hop on my back!" Simmons clarified, and soon, he felt two small, marshamallow-like mounds pressing onto his back through the armor and bodysuit. The drawbridge started to return back to its original position, but it wasn't returning FAST ENOUGH! The moped bike hit the bridge at a 15 degree incline, but thanks to Simmons's augmentations as a Spartan-II, he managed to stay balanced and upright without any struggle at all.

MOTHER FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Simmons was majestically soaring through the air like a spine-tailed swift and flailing his arms, screaming as he saw his impending doom rapidly approaching. When his left hand made contact with the floor, he spun out of control _so fast _that when he hit the slightest bump in the road, he would go flying 2 meters in the air. That's where he was now, 2 meters in the air as he smashed through the windows of a parked taxi and continued rolling until he smashed his face into a fire hydrant, knocking him out cold and also throwing off the helmet. The cold water from the leaking dog urinal was the only thing that kept him awake long enough for Efreet to use him as a landing pad.

"S-Simmons-Kun!" Efreet shook Simmons until he was fully conscious. "You... you crazy b-stard! You nearly killed me there!"

"Sorry... augh... ah? AH! MY NOSE!" Simmons started to have a nosebleed for two reasons; one, he broke his nose when he flew into the taxi, and two, he could look through the neck hole of Efreet's fiery kimono. Spirits did not know what bras were. "E-Efreet... are you unharmed?"

"Yes but are YOU ok?" She asked, towering over him and pulling him up.

"Uh huh." Simmons looked over her shoulder, and to his utmost surprise, he saw no DEM surrounding them. "Wait... Efreet? What's wrong? You look... uh... ehem... troubled ehem."

Efreet looked up at him and suddenly smiled joyously. "I LOVED TODAY'S DATE! Can we do it again? Can we? Can we?" She asked excitedly, jumping up and down in thrill. "And how do humans finish dates again?"

"Why, with a kissAUGH!" Efreet grabbed Simmons by the sides of his head and pulled him in for a passionate lip interlocking session.

But Efreet's clothes suddenly erupted into flames and left her naked.

And Simmons just noticed where they were.

In the city.


	3. Chapter 3

**Uuuuhhhh... yeah, if you haven't noticed, I haven't been updating lately. Why? Well, guess what. My cousins and my 2 aunts... some of the best people to walk the face of Earth... VISITED US! So we were all busy helping them get adjusted to life in California for the time they were staying at our house (they are from Kansas), as well as going on hikes together and all sorts of stuff. I will not go into detail, but that is why I haven't been updating.**

**Please forgive me. Oh yeah YES SEASON 3 OF THE DxD MADNESS! YYYYEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS! And I have a great... no, superior idea for an anime series. It is one that nobody has ever thought of BEFORE!  
It is one... so great... that when you will watch it, your eyes will break from widening in surprise.  
It is one bursting in all of its fabulousness that one might think it is ****_Kill La Kill_****'s rival.  
It is one so awesome that one might think it is actually _Tengen Toppa __Gurren Lagann_ (I have yet to watch it, but everybody said it is the most epic anime of all time).  
**

**The anime's title will be ****_Trouble in Tsushima Town_**** OR ****_Crisis in Chikusei City_****. I won't tell you the full details because I DON'T WANT YOU TO STEAL IT. And yes... I stole the name from the GMod GameMode ****_Trouble in Terrorist Town_**** AND it may be similar to ****_Kill La Kill _****in terms of the story's setting and characters.**

* * *

"Yoo hoo! SIMMONS!" Sarge kicked over a theater chair, hoping that Simmons was hiding under. "D-mmit! Where the h-ll is Simmons? DOC! Do you see Simmons? At all?"

"Uh, no!" Doc shouted back. He walked outside onto the streets and looked in all four directions. "Nothing but a ruined... city. Or metro. Is this Tokyo?" He was completely oblivious for what was waiting for him a few meters behind him. After he heard something that sounded like a slipspace bomb exploding behind him, he turned around and nearly choked blood out of his ears from the surprise.

"Doc, what was that noise?" Tucker asked from inside the theater, also looking for Simmons and Efreet. "It sounded like... choking? Doc, are you all right?!"

"Yes, yes!" Responded Doc, gulping in nervousness. "I am fine. A-OK. Fine as a feather." He was standing at the "foot" of the crater, staring straight down its sloped path and right at its middle, where a purple aura was suddenly glowing into life. "You go looking for.. uh... the two! I'll stay here... and... watch this thing..." The purple aura was actually more like a purple hole in the ground, and rising out of it was a golden throne with the purple handle of a broadsword sticking out of the seat. Now the purple glow was _everywhere, _being thrown around like confetti. And standing on the throne looking straight at Doc was a girl. A girl, that when looked at, made Doc's stomach do butterfly flips._  
_

Her favorite color seemed to be purple. The armor-dress she wore was purple, gold, and cream-colored. The butterfly hair accessory she wore was purple and gold. Her eyes were purple. Even her HAIR was dark purple, but her skin wasn't. It was just pale. Not as pale as a vampire, just... not tan. But best of all, she was so beautiful her clothes could melt off. "Yo! Doc! What the heck is that noise?" Tucker ran outside, despite Doc practically begging him to stay inside. The instant he laid eyes on the girl, Tucker nearly fainted. "HOOH CRAP! Bow chicka bow-"

"Stop it!" Doc chastised. "S-she just rose out of the ground! Right out of this crater-valley thing-"

"D-mn, dude, she's hot. Speaking about valleys," Tucker looked at the girl, "she has a nice one right between her chest. BOW CHICKA BOW WOOOOOWWWW!" Doc sighed and facepalmed, shaking his head in the process and not taking into account what the girl was doing. All of a sudden, Tucker stopped making weird noises and started breathing heavily. "Uh, Doc, you may want to stop facepalming." Hesitantly removing the hand from his face, Doc could see that the blade of a gleaming broadsword was pointed at his neck by none other than the "impossibly beautiful" girl, according to Doc.

"Uh..." Doc gulped. All of a sudden, Tucker took off his backpack and put it over his head, where it unfolded into the cyan armor in mere seconds, and soon, the girl had a sword pointed at _her._

"BAM! You aren't the only one with a sword!" Tucker smirked in victory, clutching his energy sword. The girl pointed her broadsword at Tucker and out flew a purple blast of energy, sending Tucker spiraling into a building and destroying it in the process.

"W-w-w-w-whoa, dude- I mean... uh... what was that for?" Doc stuttered tremulously as the girl pointed her broadsword at his neck. It looked like it could decapitate blue whales, for crying out loud! She was so powerful nobody could stay near her, and she appeared defiant and, like, pissed. But she also looked... sad. "Uh... who are you? Why are you pointing that thing at me? It's very dangerous! Can't we just... uh.. talk it out?"

"You know why I am doing this!" She shouted. _Wow, she's vicious. _Doc gulped and thought, slowly backing away. "You're here to kill me, aren't you?"

"W-what?" He coughed. "No! I wouldn't do something that absurd! Do I look like I can kill you? Do I look like I _want _to kill you?"

"You have a metal suit like the mech people!" She shouted, pointing her sword at his metal backpack. "You're one of them, aren't you? STAY BACK!" Raising her hand, Doc looked up and saw a purple vortex forming in the sky. But then all of a sudden, the DEM returned. In their mech suits. With laser guns. And missiles. And plasma swords. And things that looked like they would hurt. A lot. "I said, STAY BACK! I'll kill all of them!" She ordered, shoving Doc away and raising her sword in a menacing manner, ready to defend herself at one of the approaching DEM girls. She took out her plasma sword and swung at the girl with the sword, but in response, she parried it with ease and swung back, smashing her into another building._  
_

A missile struck Doc in the back of the head, bouncing off and falling to the floor thanks to his augmented bones. One second later, it exploded and propelled Doc into the girl, smacking her out of the way of another missile. "Sorry! Sorry... ugh..." Doc helped the girl up and dusted himself off, right as Caboose walked outside and gawked at the battlefield unfolding everywhere around him.

"Oh, cool! Girls in mech suits with lasers! And jetpacks!" Caboose pointed above him, right as Church's hologram appeared next to him and also looked up.

Church groaned, "Oh, you have got to be sh-tting me. DOC! OH F-K! DOC! Caboose, look! Doc! With... whoever that girl is! What the-"

"WE NEED HELP OVER HERE!" Shouted one of the DEM girls, ordering her squad to evade one of the purple energy blasts from the girl-swordsman. Something in Caboose's mind ticked. They needed help.

And that roughly translated to "They need help getting owned". Caboose hit a button on his metal backpack while Church just realized what his host was going to do. The dark blue armor unfolded around Caboose, who was smiling like a maniac as he leapt into the air. "DO YOU NEED HELP- oh, sorry!" He apologized as he accidentally punched one of the DEM soldiers in the face, knocking her out. Grabbing another DEM girl by the legs, he ripped her jetpack off and strapped it on his back, using her as a launching pad to leap into the air.

By then, Sarge, Grif, and Donut were outside and just staring at the chaos. "What in sam hell did Simmons do now?!" Sarge shrieked, running around in circles and looking for a weapon. "Where is my... ahem... shotGUN! WAUGH!" A missile struck the street light right next to him, disintegrating it in an instant.

"See? If they're trying to kill me, that means I am not on their side!" Doc explained, suddenly getting kicked in the face by a DEM girl. "AUCK!" Caboose flew down and headbutted her in the face, then jumped into the air and roundhouse kicked her right into Sarge. After waving hi to Doc, Caboose flew back into the air again and resumed pwning the DEM soldiers. And all of a sudden, the girl with the broadsword had an idea. She took Doc by the hand and dragged him into a purple forcefield she casted, then walked inside and sat down with Doc. Inside, it was peaceful. All of the sound was nullified, and the missiles and lasers were doing jack sh-t against the shield. "Oh! Uh... heh heh... hey!" He chuckled nervously, looking at her in the eye and instead receiving a cold eye. "Uh... you never told me what your name was. I am... Frank. But everybody calls be Doc, because I'm a medical officer."

"I have no name." She repsonded sadly, letting her sword disintegrate into purple light.

"So... are we... uh... well, at least you know I'm not one of them, right?" Doc hoped.

"Yes. I said that already, baka!" She crossed her arms. "You're not very battle worthy to them." _Hey! _Doc shot back mentally. _I'm a pacifist. I don't fight, I heal. _"And you never told me why you were here."

"I like ponytails." Doc responded, pointing to her long ponytail. "Actually, that's not the reason why I am here. I... sort of met you by accident. But... uh... what's that thing?" He asked, pointing up to the expanding, purple vortex in the sky. "It looks dangerous. Wait... don't tell me..." All of a sudden, he backed up against the forcefield's walls. "Y-YOU CREATED A SLIPSPACE EXPLOSION! DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THOSE THINGS ARE?"

"It's a spacequake." She responded as the sky turned dark purple and sections of the ground started to lift off of the floor. "I will kill everybody. They are trying to kill me, so I will kill them before they can kill me so there will be no more killing because, well, I don't want to be killed."

"Stop that!" Doc waved his hands wildly. "You don't have to kill everybody, because everybody doesn't want to kill you! I don't want to kill you. In fact, I think I... _ahem... _nevermind. But still! These people just don't like you for... unknown reasons. But if everybody refuses to accept you, I'll just accept you more! I will... TRY to protect you from these vile... DEM... people.. in mech suits... things." _Did that really work?_

"So... you will save me." She said, not tensing up as much.

"Precisely!" Doc folded his arms, smiling and noticing that she still looked nervous. Outstretching his hand to help her up, he said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."

"Doctor?" She asked in a naive manner, standing up with his help. "Doctor who?"

"OOOOHHHH!" Tucker poked his head in the forcefield, ignoring the large gash on his forearm as he poked his head through the forcefield. "She said... DOCTOR WHO!" After getting kicked in the face out of pure surprise by the girl, she looked back at Doc. "Um... since I don't have a name..."

"I'll give you a name! Hmm..." Doc stood back and observed her. "You look... like a Sarah. Hey! How about Sarah? Or... Tome?"

"Sarah sounds good, but definitely not 'Tome'." Sarah agreed.

"How about... TOHKA?!" Tucker suggested with a smile, once again poking his head through the forcefield. "HEY! OW!" He shrieked as Tohka pushed him out of the purple force field once again._  
_

_Actually, _thought Doc, _Tohka doesn't sound bad. But I like the name Sarah more! Oh, well. I'll just alternate between names then. _"Ok, then, how about I call you Sarah AND Tohka?" He asked hopefully.

"Um... okay." Tohka nodded, getting out her broadsword.

"Oh!" Doc had the best idea ever. It was an idea to prove he was not just a nerd. It was idea to prove that he could "score", as Tucker and Grif called it. Yes, Doc was going to get a girlfriend. He was going to show his UNSC colleagues. But first, he had to have Tohka/Sarah like him. And he had no idea how to do that. Was he going to get a girlfriend or have their current "relationship" end? "In order to get to know each other better, why don't we go... explore the city? It's called a 'date', and perhaps I can convince you not to kill everybody." Sarah deactivated the forcefield and raised her sword, swinging it in a wide arc and blinding everybody with a blast of purple light. Doc felt something rush over his skin, something that felt like wind filled with a bunch of rose bushes. After being blown off of his feet and tasting gasoline in the air, he looked up and briefly saw Tohka blasting away the DEM soldiers.

The wind dispersed, revealing Sarah and Doc alone and looking at each other. The sky was now white from the clouds, no longer azure blue and streaked with cirrus clouds. _I... kinda now know what Spork meant when he said Asian girls are the prettiest, but... still... uh... what would Tucker do? No, that's a bad idea! _"The weather is pretty nice- I MEAN, uh..." Doc looked around. "Let's get out of he-"

"Oh, thank god. DOC!" Simmons called a few hundred meters away. Spinning around, Doc caught a look of Simmons carrying Efreet on his back, who was wearing nothing but a towel since he couldn't find anything else for her to wear. "Do you know where I have been for the past few minutes? Evading the f-king Deus Ex Machina assault force! They were on our a-ses ever since the big bang, but luckily, we got away."

"_Simmonssan _got me away." Efreet corrected, smiling. "Right, Onii-Chan?"

"What does Onii-Chan mean?" Caboose asked as Simmons nearly choked on his own throat from gulping in surprise.

"W-what? Why?" Simmons sputtered, turning around to face Efreet. "We just met, and we aren't related! Why are you calling me your OLDER BROTHER so quickly?"

"Because you're so protective of me!" Efreet snapped back. "Baka, baka!"

Doc looked around the ghostly, deserted metropolis and noticed that the only sound being made was from the wind blowing and the leaves rustling, as well as the sound of bicycle wheels creaking. All of the DEM girls had cleared the area, which was good news and bad news at the same time. If they were held responsible for all of the damage, well... good thing they had UNSC lawyers. "Ok, uh... Tohka." Doc ordered. "If everybody sees you just, like, waltzing around in that purple armor-dress and sword, we'll be besieged again by the DEM. So if you can, since, you know, you have magic powers or something like that, uh.. would you please change your outfit to this?" He picked up a tattered magazine rolling along the floor with some tumbleweeds to reveal the cover girl with a tnak top and short short jeans. "Uh, nevermind. This is too 21st century. AH! How about this?" He led Tohka to the entrance of a clothing store and pointed at one of the displays showing a woman wearing dark and slightly tight jeans as well as a hoodie... with no zipper. It had blue sleeves, a thick blue stripe running down the middle, and was white. From the shoulders and sternum up, it was black, including the actual hood. "This looks more... modern."

And then in an instant, Tohka's armor-dress glowed purple, and her sword disintegrated into purple light while the glow dimmed down to reveal Tohka in the same hoodie, except that the blue sleeves and stripe were purple, but the jeans were kept the same. "H-how do I look?" She asked while Doc's eyes nearly flew out of their eye sockets from amazement. But then they flew back when a loud buzzing noise suddenly erupted in his head. That was the one drawback of the UNSC's 'integral central nervous system telecommunication system'. It could spring to life out of nowhere, and by the inherited wind, did it freak the living tongues out of some Spartan-IIs and Spartan-IIIs.

"Hey, DOC!" The voice shouted in Doc's head. "Where the heck are you? The UNSC's gone paranoid!"

"Wait, who is this?" Doc turned around and cupped his right hand over his right ear so he could hear better. "We're in Japan! I don't know where in Japan, but all I know is that we're in Japan! Probably Tokyo!"

"Oh, ok." The voice responded. "Wait, what? JAPAN?!" It was obvious that the voice was from Spartan-007, Spork, as everybody called him. "No fair, dude! Oh well. The UNSC is currently occupied quarantining the Lunar Colonies. Can you believe it? The Flood is making a comeback, so currently, they're making sure nothing, not even a friggin' ant, goes in or out. The entire UNSC armada surrounding the moon, ready to let loose with their guns. So you'll be stuck there for a while. And if you see the moon in its new metal environment, wave hi to us. Spartan-007 SPORK over and out."

Tohka stared at Doc as if he had 3 heads. "You talk to yourself?"

"No!" Doc stuttered, choking from the absurdity. "That was... nothing. Hey, are you guys pretty hungry? There are food stands over there."

"But we'll be stealing!" Caboose protested.

"No, we'll be sharing money and food." Explained Church. "Sharing is caring." Doc ran up to one of the concession stands, grabbed it, and swung it around through the glass display window of a store that was selling baguettes. Reaching through and trying not to cut himself on the glittering shards of glass resting on the bread, Doc shook the melted sand off and handed it to Tohka.

"Here, you seem famished!" He smiled. "Why don't you try this?"

"I-If it's poisoned, or if you try to harm me..." Warned Tohka, summoning her sword and pointing it at Doc, who scrambled back and pushed himself against the wall in fear of his life as well as his friends'. "...I'll kill all of you!" Doc nodded in agreement, then Tohka took a small bite of the baguette and froze. Froze like a burglar about to be tazer-gunned by a policeman. "I-IS THIS A DATE?!" She cried, covering her mouth as she spoke before she shoved the whole thing in her mouth and swallowed without chewing.

"No, it's a baguetURK!" Choked out Doc as Tohka suddenly grabbed him by the collar. "W-what's wrong? Does it taste bad?"

"Can I have more?! Can I have more?!" She jumped up and down, begging and smiling with bambi eyes.

But meanwhile, Tucker, Grif, and Simmons were angrily and furiously arguing at each other.

_The argument_

Tucker: How the h-ll can a chick like Tohka-

Simmons: Wasn't her name Sarah?

Tucker: F-k that! I'm calling her Tohka. As I was sayi-

Grif: Well, I believe she should be named Sarah! This is unfair! An injustice, I tell you! How can Sarah start to fall in love with a nerd like... DOC?! I'm attractive... a supreme gentleman-

Simmons: You're starting to sound like Elliot Rodger.

Grif: What? I AM?! Ok, forget everything I just said. Also, changing topic. Wow, Sarah has really nice legs.

Tucker: The heck do you mean, Grif? She has a really nice body! And a valley between her chest. Bbbbbow chicka-

Simmons: Ohmyf-kinggod.

Opening a door for Tohka, Doc walked in a restaurant that was offering a combination of Japanese food and other peculiar food, including a 'sushiburger' as well as 'spaghetti ramen', and finally, something that the restaurant called an "ultra waffle raw fish cereal pizza-salad brunch". And since everybody fled the city, Doc had to cook the food. But he only decided to cook normal food, because he didn't really want to try waffles plastered with cereal and salad, placed atop a raw pizza fish. So instead, he discovered that the restaurant's ramen was merely store-bought instant ramen, then proceeded to prepare miso ramen, pizza, fried fish, and salad. "Tohka...! Lunch is ready!" Since Doc was a Spartan-II, he needed to know how to prepare food fast, so in 50 seconds, all of the food was ready. "Ok, every time, before we start eating, we say 'thanks for the meal' or 'itadakimasu', because manners are the second most important thing you need to know as a human. So, thank you, whoever works at the restaurant, for providing the food-"

"ItadakimasuNOM!" Tohka chomped down on a fried fish and just literally inhaled the whole things, bones and all.

"Wow." Doc complimented, starting to eat the salad and ramen but ignoring the fish since 1) it was already eaten and 2) he was a vegetarian. "You must have really high metabolism." Luckily, Doc cooked way too much for both of them, so even though he was full, there was still 2 tables left full of food. And Tohka ate all of it, finishing it before Doc could finish his meal.

"H-h-h-HOW?!" Church practically shrieked. "How... how can a 16 year old girl eat so much and not get fat, or have their stomach explode, or... or... or just become full!?"

"She isn't a normal girl, because 1) normal girls cannot create slipspace explosions with willpower, and 2)," Simmons pointed out, "normal girls do not have the power to summon magic broadswords."

Church asked in a very sarcastic manner, "Really? Well, did you also know that the f-king grass is green?"

"No it's not!" Caboose protested defiantly. "When I was visiting Kentucky, the grass there was BLUE!"

"And in Reach," Grif reminded his friends, "during the Covenant invasion, the grass was RED because there was so much blood! Well, it was crimson, because the red and black from the ashes mixed in. Wait, no, was it maroon?"

"The great plains have yellowish grass in some areas." Sarge added. "Wait, no, that's wheat. And in Russia, for some reason, the grass is white! Hey, where's Doc?" Tucker walked inside the restaurant, just noticing that Doc and Tohka were missing. A brief scream was heard inside, followed by cursing from Tucker as he continued looking around. The plates, bowls, and cups, completely licked clean, were still sitting on the tables. To top it off... the building was diner-styled, so for some reason, Tucker felt really uncomfortable walking past the lifeless 1940s-50s cardboard cutout of Rita Hayworth dressed up as one of the diner's waitresses.

Suddenly, Tucker ran out.

"**THE F-KERS DITCHED US!**"


	4. Chapter 4

**So... I am now taking JavaScript lessons. Right now, it's all Greek to me, but I know eventually I'll master it.. and maybe write some apps... but for now I'm stuck.**

**Please rate and review for FANSERVICE when Kurumi shows up (no explicit stuff, just ecchi)!**

**Simmons/Kotori = The reason why I paired these two is because Simmons is sort of an... I don't know (trying to find a nicer synonym for 'Kiss-a**), teacher's pet, and Kotori is more like a stubborn leader, these two would fit nicely together.**

**Sarge/Kurumi = What can I say, they're both epic, bloodthirsty psychopaths.**

**Doc/Tohka-Sarah = They say opposites attract. So if Doc is polite with a good disposition... and Tohka is a tsundere, they'll, according to "them", "attract".**

**Can you guess what the other pairings are?**

* * *

"First, Simmons and Efreet are gone." Church complained. "Now, Doc and that purple-haired girl are missing. Who's next? Caboose? Also, is it genetically possible to have red hair?! Or purple hair?!"

"In anime, yes." Simmons pointed out. "Even though I don't watch it, I'm pretty sure that anime girls have, like, inhuman proportions."

"Do you mean 9 year olds with tits larger than most real life 16 year olds?" Suggested Tucker.

"Or girls with pink hair? And red irises?" Caboose added. "Oh, yeah, there was one that had... black hair with a red streak! And a black sailor uniform that talked! And a giant scissor."

"I remember one with SILVER EYES." Sarge said, recalling the time as a child his older brother had showed him an episode of something on YouTube. "And she had a scythe... with a sniper rifle in the handle. But why the sam hell are we talking about anime when we should be looking for our team's most important members... DOC! And that girl because she's a way better swordsman than Tucker!"

"HEY!" Tucker shouted, balling his fist and getting ready to play chin music with Sarge. "Do you want to see how hard I can punch?"

"Do you even lift, bro?" Sarge asked intimidatingly, showing his 'guns'. Efreet just started to lick her lollipop casually and occasionally giggle at the Blood Gulch Spartans. Everybody was f-king arguing, yelling threats at each other and trying to persuade one another to find Doc and Tohka/Sarah. All of this happened until Caboose stared into the distance. Just stared and stared, ignoring the soda can thrown by Tucker and Sarge as he picked up a golf club and started trying to smash in Grif's head with it. Tucker was incessantly spamming questions at Tucker, just asking and asking him how he did it. How he managed to get a girlfr-

"Efreet is not my girlfriend!" Simmons protested. "S-she's now my little sister. Imouto."

"That's right!" Agreed Efreet, nodding at Tucker with the lollipop still in her mouth. "I love you Onii-Chan!" She hugged Simmons by the neck and nuzzled in, giving Simmons a bloody nose. And then she gave him a raspberry on the back of his neck. And then Simmons lost it, collapsing on the floor and choking out in laughter. Sarge had successfully used his golf club to strangle Grif, laughing sadistically and bloodthirstily as Grif struggled to free himself from Sarge's strangle hold.

And then all of a sudden...

"Hey, look!" Caboose pointed gleefully up into the distance. "Look, a ferris wheel!"

On the ferris wheel...

"Nam mnam mnam manm..." Tohka happily ate the cotton candy Doc "bought" at one of the city's snack stands. It was... purple, unsurprisingly Tohka's favorite color. "FRANKSAN THIS TASTES SOOOOO D-MN GOOOD!" She exclaimed, tossing the empty cone over the edge of the ferris wheel as she just noticed how high she was, taking out her broadsword and pointing it at Doc's neck. "I knew it! You're planning to kill me by fall, aren't you?" Doc himself nearly flipped over the edge of the precarious ferris wheel, hands up and trembling like a massage machine on speed. "Just kidding! Wow, you really _are _gullible, aren't you?" Joked Tohka, giggling as Doc died of relief.

When their 'car' touched the floor, Doc kicked the door off of its flimsy hinges and ran over to the nearest trash can, throwing up all over its insides. "BLACK! Urgh.. blblbllbbblbbblbllllbblblblb! Man, I can sure see why this ferris wheel has a '10 second wait time'," He said, motioning to the waiting time sign next to the ferris wheel. When he turned around, Tohka was gone. "OOOoooooooh no. This can't be good." Turning around nervously, he instead saw that Tohka was pressing her face up against the glass display of a claw grabber machine with the eyes of a shark tasting the most minute scent of blood in the water.

"Frank-Saaaaaaaannnnnnn!" Tohka looked at Doc, then back at the claw grabber machine, starting to jump up and down from excitement. "What is this?! May I please try it? Pleeeeeeaseee?"

"Uh-"

"FRANKSAN!" Tohka shrieked, grabbing Doc by the collar and shaking him. "May I please try it?"

"Ok, ok!" After freeing himself, Doc sighed a mixed feeling of annoyance and happening, not knowing how he should react as he opened the machine's coin slot and smashed a circuit with a swift kick, activating the machine for free. "So this is how we will do it. When I say..." He started to move the claw forwards then to the right, "NOW, mash the buttonNOW!" Falcon-Punching the button, Tohka impatiently watched as the claw slowly dropped down, picked up a massive bread plushie, and started to drop it halfway back to the prize chute. And guess what? IT LANDED RIGHT ON THE EDGE, teetering and teetering before it came to a rest, barely hanging over the edge.

"D-MN YOU!" Screamed Tohka, punching the machine _so hard _the smash could be heard from heaven. And then, the machine exploded. The only remnant from it was the bread plushie, which landed at the feet of a scared sh-tless Doc. "Yay! We did it we did it we did itttt!" _Wait, what? _Doc thought in confusion. _Minutes before, she was a being... a being so powerful, nobody dared to approach her. And now here she is, a naive and unbelievably hyper girl. Just what the sincere heck ha-_

"Doooooooccccc!" Caboose's voice rang out in the distance, freezing Doc right in his tracks with terror. "Oh Doooooccccc! DDdddooooOOooooOOOOccccCCCccccCCC!"

"DOC!" Church suddenly shouted, trying to kick over a trash can even though he was just an AI. "DOC! Where the h-ll are you, man? We broke our backs and bruised our a-ses looking for you! Especially Simmons, who had to carry _her _the whole way through because HER ANKLES ARE SPRAINED!" But Doc didn't plan on his date being ruined by his friends, so instead, he pulled Tohka behind one of the rigged ring-throwing booths. Grif sighed and kicked over a snack stand, looking for twinkies or a cigarette. If he was lucky, maybe a beer or two. "Seriously, Doc, stop f-king running away from us!"

"NNNOOOOOO!" Grif suddenly screamed, pointing at a charred pack of twinkies resting on the floor. "Who in their right mind *snif* would... would BURN TWINKIES! WHY-HY-HYYYY!"

"Shut up, Grif!" Sarge groaned, b-tch slapping Grif so hard that spit flew out of his mouth. "We're still looking for Doc! And that other person! YOO HOO DOC! Peek a boo! Come on, I'll give you a raise! And a promotion! SHOTGUN! PASSWORD! ACCESS CODE! Darn it... this isn't working... uh... Simmons, do you have an idea?"

"I think he is right behind that booth over there." Simmons suggested, pointing straight at the place where Doc and Tohka were hiding behind.

Sarge, however, just laughed out loud. "Wow, Simmons! I never knew you were such a good comedian! Of course, you're just joking, right?"

"Yeah." Simmons facepalmed, muttering the f word under his breath.

"Maybe he is hiding behind there!" Caboose piped up as he pointed at the same place.

"Simmons said that already, numb nuts." Sarge reminded.

"But he said he was joking! I'm serious!" Caboose poked his head around the corner and saw Doc frantically making a 'shush' gesture. "OH, OH HE'S TELLING ME TO BE QUIET!" Caboose announced to everybody out loud. Having a heart attack, Doc whispered to him to tell the others that he wasn't there. "Now, he's telling me to tell all of you guys that he's not here!" Alerted Caboose, causing Sarge and Church to look at each other in confusion. "What? Oh, now he's cutting his throat with his hand!" Walking over, Sarge pushed Caboose aside to see Doc as he just hopped over the booth's counter with Tohka and dive into a pile of stuffed animals.

"Uh... he's not here. I mean, why would he be be at a FAIR, right?" Sarge immediately knew what Doc was trying to do and called back to everybody else, pulling Caboose away. "Maybe he's on the other side of this city, far, far away from this... FAIR! Or maybe he's already back in America! Whatever the reason... he's not here."

Grif groaned and fell on the floor. "WHAAAT? You're saying we walked, like, 12 miles from the other side of the city for NOTHING?"

"That was 2 miles, numb nuts." Sarge hauled Grif up hesitantly and led his fellow Spartans out of the fair hurriedly. "Maybe... maybe he's in a hospital! Because he's a medic! Doing medicy stuff! Oh, I know! There's a Freddie Mercury concert nearby, maybe we can go check that out!"

"But Freddie Mercury died 566 years ago." Simmons spoke, suddenly running into the lobby and pushing out Efreet on a wheelchair. "THANK GOD! I thought I was gonna die back there... my back... ow..." Doc slowly poked his head out of the pile of stuffed animals, peeking around the corner to make sure his friends were gone. They were, but as always, Caboose was stalling. He picked up a trash can and hurled it through the lobby's windows, then reached inside and took out a blue penguin plushie. Something didn't seem right, however. Something particularly about the city, the technology, the clothing... it seemed outdated.

Doc checked his watch to make sure they were in the 26th century, but nope. They were in _2014. _He tapped his watch rapidly to make sure it wasn't broken, then slapped himself across the face to ensure that he wasn't just seeing things. It was real; they were in 2014. And that meant people still blared _Let It Go _and Pharell's _Happy _through speakers, headphones, and anything else that could play music. "WHAAAATTTTT?!" He literally shrieked like a dying bat that was having its intestines ripped out. "2-2014? Tohka, is it really 2014? AD?" She nodded slowly in response. "No! This... this is not possible! How could this happen? If only there was... if only there was somebody that could control time!"

* * *

"Sarge, what in the f-king h-ll are you listening to?" Tucker leaned in to hear what Sarge was blaring through his earphones plugged into an iPod Nano he found lying on the streets with a bright red finish. "Heavy metal? Wait, Sarge, you listen to this kind of stuff?"

"No, it was the only rock song in here." Sarge responded, waving his iPod Nano and not taking into notice the date the iPod was displaying; x-xx-2014. "And it's not heavy metal. It's 'Accelerated Evolution'. Huh? Wait, what?" He looked at the date. "WHAT THE- 2014? Guys! Take a look at this! Is it just... a glitch, or are we really in the 21st century? Is it possible for a slipspace engine to travel in time? And why 2014?"

"I don't know, but what a slipspace engine does is distort space." Simmons explained as he pushed Efreet around. "It bends space so in reality it isn't moving, but everything else around it _is. _But this is a lengthy process for long-distance jumps, so it also distorts _time. _As a result, the instant we 'jump', we immediately appear at our destination. It is very possible that the time-distortion got f-ked up when SOMEBODY SPILLED COFFEE ON THE ENGINE and landed us here. So that means we will never see our families again unless we somehow build another slipspace engine with the _exact _same conditions as to what happened a few hours ago. All of which is virtually impossible, because it would not be possible to build even a _part _of the engine considering how many resources the Earth of 2014 had at its disposal."

"Hey, ever heard of _forgive and forget?_" Grif whined, kicking a soda can as it landed in a bloody alleyway. After he heard a sickening squelch, he decided to peek inside and see what exactly had caused that noise, then immediately turned around to throw up in a nearby trash can. Right there, hanging from the fire escape by the neck, was the corpse of a man who had his chest ripped open, and as a result, his insides were all over the floor below him and hanging by a few entrails. Next to the human pinata was another corpse of a man that had its arms and legs gruesomely ripped off, leaving bloody stumps in their place. Finally, way back in the alley, she saw the last corpse, also another man, who was pinned to the wall with knives stuck all over his body._  
_

Sarge ran up to Grif. "Hey, I ordered you not to drop out of formation, private- what the holy hairy lesbian Mormon aunt of SAM HELL?!" He shrieked, pointing down the alleyway. "Grif! Do you now see what that bad breath of yours can cause? Look, 3 people died here! 3 PEOPLE, GRIF! Just... how hard is it to chug down some mouthwash with Altoids?"

"Hiiiii..." A faint voice whispered deeper in the alleyway. Sarge immediately picked up the metal lid of a trash can and got ready to use it as a gigantic decapitating frisbee while Grif looked around for a fit weapon, then settled on a traffic cone sitting right next to the trash can.

"SHOW YOURSELF!" Sarge ordered, walking in and getting ready to bash some heads. And then, a girl around Sarge's age walked out. "Huh? Wait... DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED HERE?! Are you ok?! T-there's blood all over you!"

"I saw everything." She smiled. "I did it."

* * *

_How did we end up here again? _Doc had been asking himself the same question over and over again, but to his dismay, he soon found out that _he _was the reason why they were on a boat. Somehow, Tohka/Sarah had convinced him to go with her on a "canal ride" that was featured in the fair. And now there they were, just staring at each other intently as the boat silently drifted through the water. _But then again, we are alone. And nobody is watching us. Well, at least O' Malley isn't infecting me again, _thought Doc as he nervously shifted his view away from Tohka, who looked like she was ready to kill him if he tried to do something to her, let alone touch her. She was allowed to make physical contact him, but not vise-versa. "Um wow the weather sure is nice isn't it!" Doc spoke up nervously, trying to lower her suspicion about him. "I-I mean, this sure is peaceful! Well... not for the trees... their leaves are falling off..." To add to the mysteriousness, the sky was friggin' gray (which is never good), the cherry blossom trees were shedding their leaves as they died, and... Tohka held out her hand. In an instant, a purple glow of energy appeared above it. _Crap! Did I do something wrong, _Doc backed up frantically and tripped over one of the boat's chairs, falling to the floor and balling up.

Instead, Tohka hurled it at one of the fair's buildings, disintegrating it as 3 DEM soldiers ran out. "I _knew _there were some people stalking us!" She said happily, immediately starting to cheer up. "W-why are you looking at me like that?! I-It's not like I like you or anything! We just met! B-BAKA!" _Ok, I'm sure that there is a word to describe this type of person, _Doc thought, _what is it...? Tsundere? No, that's not it... was it? _"I'm just doing this because you wanted me to!"

"Sure..." Doc said flatly. _Yes! I am so close! _The leaves still fell as Tohka stared suspiciously at Doc, creating a peaceful silence. The birds stopped chirping. The water stopped making that one noise that made Doc want to pee. He stopped breathing. Right now was the perfect moment for the two of them to start a relationship and prove to Doc's friends and colleagues that he wasn't just 'that one friendly guy' they thought he always was.

"F-Frank-San..." Sarah/Tohka looked down nervously at her feet and pushed her index fingers together. "D-do you hate me? For what I did? You know... the spacequakes?"

"Huh? What?" Doc suddenly snapped out of his spacing out session. "Heh heh of course not! Why would I?"

"I've killed millions!" Protested Tohka. "And... I don't want to kill you, so I think it's best if we stay away from each other and leave me alone."

"Uh.. I don't know how to say this, but...!" Doc rested his hands on Sarah's shoulders, who slowly looked up and tilted her head in confusion. "I don't care what you did... but I only care for the person who you are. I know you don't like violence. Hey, I don't too! So no matter who you are, I will always support and... uh... love you, Tohka." _YA SCREWED UP... BIG TIME! _Shrieked Sarge's voice inside Doc's head. _Haaaahh! Now you've f-cked up! NOW YOU'VE F-CKED UP! _Jeered Church's voice in his mind. _See what I mean... Doc? _Grif finally spoke. _...you'll never score._

_Nope! _Donut suddenly spoke up, followed by Tohka wrapping her arms around Doc's neck. _Look. See? He's already scored. _"I-is that true, Frank-San?" She asked, and Doc quickly nodded in response, goosebumps scattering around his arms and starting to shake incessantly from the fear of what was going to happen next. And soon, all he could see was Tohka's eyes as she leaned in to start a make out session.

And then her clothes started to melt off, but she didn't notice.

"I-I enjoyed today's date... especially the ferris wheel and the food..." She spoke as the session was finished, but Doc was too busy trying to resist his eyes from trailing down as blood started to trickle out of his nose. "Can we do it again? Pleeeeease?" Doc nodded quickly, turning away and staining the water dark red with a spurt of blood from his nose.

Wondering why it suddenly felt so cold, Tohka looked down at herself.

* * *

Simmons noticed that Sarge and Grif were no longer arguing at each other. "Huh? Sarge? Where did Sarge and Grif go? Saaarrrgggeee! GRIF! Where the h-ll did they go? They were right behind us! Guys, did you see where they went?"

"There they are!" Caboose pointed down the street, right at Sarge and Grif, running towards their friends for their dear lives and screaming out in fear, speeding up rapidly. Grif collapsed on the floor and started to gasp loudly as soon as he reached Simmons, but Sarge just kept on running. "Are we playing tag? I'm it?" Caboose guessed, suddenly picking up the pace and following Sarge, rapidly catching up. "TAG YOU'RE IT!" He shouted playfully, and as a result, Sarge spun around and tried to kick Caboose, who caught the kick and pushed him away. "Hey! No tagbacks and no tagging with your feet!"

"Oh, CABOOSE!" Sarge sighed out in relief, peeking over his shoulder. "Come on! We need the others to start hauling a-s! There's a crazy psycopathic killer after us! Right on our trail! Run for your dear life! I'll hold her off!"

"Suh suh Sarge..." Croaked Grif, already depleted of energy, "help... me..."

"WHAT IS GOING ON!" Church the AI demanded angrily, his hologram appearing next to Caboose. Grif woke up and pointed down the street to the ghostly, mysterious person drenched in blood and slowly approaching the Spartans. "Oh... who is that? She's hurt! Wait, what's that in her hand? OH SH-T! RUN! RUN RUN RUN!" Donut yelped out and sprinted like somebody was lighting a fire under his butt, picking Grif up and forcing him to run alongside. However, Tucker leaned in to her chest _then _ran away, screaming his face off and scrambling for his armor activation. "Uh, guys, yeah, you're running, but you're not running FAST ENOUGH! GET ME OUT OF HERE! AND YOU TOO!" Sarge leaned out of an alley and pulled Efreet in, along with Simmons. Next up was Caboose, who had already activated his armor. Finally, Tucker, Grif, and Donut literally _flew _in and took out their weapons, armor already activated as they peeked out. "Ok, I am going to ask you guys once. Who. Was. That."

"I dunno but she killed 3 people in an alleyway!" Grif shouted in fear, flipping the safety off his Battle Rifle. "She killed 3 people! Right, Sarge? Sarge? What's Sarge doing?"

"GET IN!" Snapped Church, temporarily taking over Caboose's mind and forcing him to yank Grif inside the alleyway. "And shut up! She could be anywhere!"

Sarge was pacing back and forth in disappointment. "What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing?"

"Uh, I don't know," Grif responded, confused, "hiding from a person who'll kill us as well?" Just then, Caboose poked his head outside.

"Hey, look, a spaceship!" He whispered gleefully, pointing to the sky, where there was a large-a*s dropship hovering over the streets. It was kicking up crap tons of dust and throwing up leaves, but the girl was gone. "Huh? Where did she go?" The city had yet to be repopulated by everyone else, who was probably evacuated by the military, and that gave Deus Ex Machina Industries a good chance to scout the city to look for the spirits, and most likely, the Spartans. They were screwed. No, not screwed, _royally _screwed. And there was no doubt that whatever was going to happen next was not going to be pretty, because 9 more dropships appeared.

"LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS!" Sarge suddenly shouted, racking his shotgun pump. "TO DEFEAT... THE HUNS!"

"Oh god please no." Facepalmed Grif.

Walking up to Grif and staring him down with disappointment, he continued to sing, "Did they send me daughters... when I asked... FOR SONS?"

"Shots fired shots fired!" Tucker snickered before he was elbowed in the side by Simmons.

"You're the saddest bunch I ever met... but you can bet... before we're through... Mister I'll make a man OUT OF YOU!" Shouted Sarge, raising his fist as the bright red armor folded over his fist, and the sun shone brightly as it cast its light on the greatest inspirational speaker the UNSC ever recruited. " Tranquil as the forest, but on fire within... once you find your center, you are sure to win... you're a spinless, pale, pathetic lot... and you haven't got a clue... somehow I'll... make a man, out of you! Sing the chorus or else!"

"OR else what?" Protested Grif, putting his weapon away right before Sarge started angrily at him.

"Or ELSE!" He theatened, and Grif reluctantly sang the chorus as Sarge delivered his speech. "We must be swift as the coursing river! With all the force of a great typhoon! With all the strength of a raging fire, yet as mysterious as the moon! AND STOP MOUTHING THE CHORDS, NOBODY ELSE IS SINGING IT!" He suddenly snapped. "And that's the speech. It's over. WE WILL WIN THIS FOR GOD BLESS AMERICA! BY USING _GRIF AS BAIT_!" He shoved Grif outside, rewarding him with streaks of missiles and lasers blasting through the air. Seeing that his lazy friend was in danger, Simmons ran out and returned fire by flipping his Battle Rifle at full-auto and spraying it everywhere, not killing or injuring any of the DEM girls but forcing them into cover as he squeezed the trigger.

"Like ripping off _Mulan _will help us!" Church shouted as Caboose loaded his assault rifle.

"TASTE THE RAINBOW!" Caboose shouted, spamming the trigger as crayons flew out. Once again, Caboose had loaded his assault rifle... _with crayons._

"Why does this have no recoil?" Tucker asked as he fired his DMR down the street at the attackers. He took the magazine out of his rifle and observed one of the bullets, and to his surprise, they were _blanks. _So was Simmons' ammunition, as well as Sarge's. And Grif's. And Donut's. If the DEM found out, they were going to be up sh-t creek without a paddle. "OH CRAP! These are loaded with blanks!"

"Private Grif!" Sarge shouted, tossing his shotgun at the attackers and taking out his prized pistol, firing it at the attackers to find out that it was loaded... with real ammunition. But the ammunition was .22 short, which has basically no effect on fully armored girls wearing mech suits. "How many times do I have to tell you that AMMO is your responsibility! We're as screwed as a watermelon on a Gallagher show!"

"FIRE!" Efreet warned, leaning out of the alley and transforming into her spirit form. Raising her massive fire battleaxe, she swung it down on the floor which resulted in a massive shockwave and wall of flame exploding in the direction of the attackers, forcing them into cover. By the time they reemerged, the Spartans were gone.

Sarge kicked down the side entry to a convenience store. "DO THE LIMBO, MAGGOTS!" He ordered, but instead, everybody else ducked right as a gunship arrived and shot up the place, bullets whizzing (that sounds... very wrong now that I think of it) over their heads and shredding the wall on their right side to tatters. Using his foot as an automatic glass breaker, he kicked the glass display window (the store was on the corner of a street) into pieces and leapt through, running behind a car that was currently absorbing lots of lasers. Throwing open its side door, he ran inside into the driver seat, only to find that the keys were still in the ignition. Grif was shoved inside by Simmons, and as a result, the three of them were jammed in the first row. Tucker, Caboose, Donut, and Efreet were in the back just as the 9 dropships and 1 gunship appeared around the corner. He turned the car on in an instant and smashed the gas pedal _so hard _that it was driven through the car's floor.

"Hey, Grif isn't as fat as he normally was!" Simmons said to his relief, noticing how much room there was.

The car lurched backwards.

"MOVE YOUR FAT A-S!" Yelled Sarge, fumbling for the gear stick, which was being sat on by Grif. "Wow, even when you're 16, you're still so obese! MOVE IT!"

"Even when you're 16," Grif was pushed aside by Sarge, who threw the gear into 5 as the bullets started to pass through the car's windows, "you're still so... sargey!" So Sarge had to drive while everybody else in the car was screaming and shouting bad words while bullets flew over their heads, and so, he couldn't see where he was driving as the car zigzagged left and right, evading the missiles, lasers, and bullets. Efreet leaned out of the car's open door, and her fire axe merged into a massive fire cannon, which unleashed the firery doom of death. Unfortunately, it didn't hit anybody, but it did make the gunship stop shooting. Looking back at the road, Sarge spun the wheel to the left, and as a result, down the hill.

"WE'RE AS F-KED AS AMERICA FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS WHEN IT'S 2016!" Church screamed as the gunship resumed firing as it chased the car in hot pirsuit, firing away with missiles, 150mm cannons, 30mm machine guns, more missiles, lasers, while the dropships followed close behind. The dropship's deployment doors opened up to reveal triple-barreled DSHKMs mounted on, guns that could instantly kill a fully armored Spartan with a lucky shot to the head. "Slam it, Sarge!"

"I did!" He shouted back.

"Well, SLAM IT HARDER!"

"It can't!" Sarge responded with a yell. "I smashed the gas pedal so hard that it broke!" And now to make matters worse, the car was rapidly approaching a dock... that lead to a lake. "Please tell me that what's ahead of us is just a giant painting! Oh, screw it! Hold onto your horses, men! I'm gonna drift!"

"What?" Grif suddenly woke up from his nap. "What drift?" Spinning the wheel to the left and grabbing the gear shift, he started to jerk it around and slammed the brakes, which ended up in the car's wheels locking shut as the end of the automobile slowly swung around as they neared the end of the street and the harbor. Throwing the gear into five, Sarge realized with terrible horror that there was no way to slam the gas pedal again, because there WAS no gas pedal! Smashing what it was attached to, the car lurched forwards just as the gunship and dropships appeared.

"I know, I know." Muttered Sarge, smiling uncontrillably from his pure skill and success. "You may all gawk at my extreme skill and thank me... LATER!"

"Oh, yeah, it was SO awesome." Grif sighed, falling asleep again and not taking into notice that they were still being fired upon by DEM.

"Hurry jump in the water before we're killed!" Caboose suddenly shouted, and since the car was driving alongside a street that was, like, right next to the water, Caboose opened the door and jumped out, doing a somersault cannonball before smashing into the water with his armor on at 60mph (which the armor can withstand). Tucker shook his head and jumped in as well, followed by Donut and Efreet. Sarge just said something unintelligible and drove the entire car into the water, unbuckling himself and ripping the door open right before the car was submerged, making him the last person to leave. The dropships deployed the mech-armored girls as they ran up to the end of the street, activated their thermal scanners, and fired away at the searing bright red humanoids in the sea of blue and green. Holy mormon Jesus, they were just _spamming _and shooting like there was no tomorrow. Luckily, the Spartans could just sit tight because the armor could withstand the pressure of water (Even though they weren't that deep), watertight, and had an oxygen supply that featured super advanced carbon oxygen filters that could keep them underwater or in space for days.

But Efreet had to hold her breath. Simmons, however, took off his helmet and put it on her head so she didn't have to hold it.

But it was clear that they weren't going to leave. This situation was worse than _Snakes on a Plane._


	5. Chapter 5

**Updates are very slow. And the reason why I'm not updating is because I'm lazy.**

**But as Red quoted: "Get busy living, or get busy dying."**

**COME ON! I swear to a sundae with a cherry on top, if they're not going to release HOTD Season 2, I'm going to stop writing these stories. Just kidding, I'll do ****_worse._**

**Something off topic: I found one of the greatest songs ever; it plays during Episodes 3, 7, 11, and 23 of a certain anime series that involves a girl with a gigantic scissor... and loads of action, humor, "feels", and fanservice. I was spending, like, hours looking for it on YouTube, and I finally found it!**

**It is called Sanbika.**

**Now if you'll excuse me, I have 2 stories to write! If you're wondering, _Master Chief and Friends Versus the Universe _will be put in stasis mode. For a long time, because I have _Blood Gulch Spirits _and _The Ultimate Harem _to take care of, as well as a completely new story for the latter.**

**This story does not have a planned plot. I develop it as I write. The same goes for _The Ultimate Harem, _which is also why it kind of sucks right now.**

**Finally, I will introduce two characters: The Phantom, you know, the spirit who turns people into spirits, and... drumroll please...**

**DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM**

**...AGENT WASHINGTON! Yes, Phantom and Agent Washington. Phantom, since the only times she appear is when she is _mentioned_, will be an OC. And since I don't know much about Agent Washington's personality, I will make him a bit OC. I hope that's fine with you.**

* * *

"Blubbblubbbublbubb!" Simmons tried to speak in the water, but it wasn't very easy since he didn't have his helmet on as bullets, rockets, and lasers sped around them.

"What the f-ck is Simmons saying?" Grif asked in confusion as Efreet did a quintuple backflip in the water before she started to get dizzy.

"How the h-ll am I supposed to know?" Protested Tucker. "Hey, why don't we just swim in there?" He pointed to a sewer entrance, and for some reason, the sewer's designers decided to direct all of the crap and other sh-t right into a _drinking water reservoir. _How the city's population was not infected by dysentery and chorea was something they would never know.

"Ew, I'm not swimming in _there!_" Donut gagged and nearly threw up as a brown-greenish Lincoln Log floated past him. Just then, the gunship flew into the water and turned around so it was aiming straight at the Spartans and Efreet. "On second thought, I'm just gonna go inside! EEP!" Church screamed a bad word as Caboose grabbed onto a missile and held onto it, flying him into the sewer system as Grif attempted to swim inside.

"RUN! RUUUUNNNN!" Simmons shouted as he bobbed up on the surface, climbed up on the sewer's maintenance walkway, and ran in the direction opposite of the gunship. "Hold on! HHHUUUUURRRRGGGHHHH!" Leaning over, the overpowering stench worked its way through his nose and caused him to regurgitate his last meal into the water. Sarge ran by shouting orders combined with a bunch of military jargon that nobody except himself understood, Donut was spraying something on his armor so he didn't smell like crap, Caboose (who didn't really care about the situation) was giving Efreet a free piggyback ride as he was following Donut, and Grif was holding onto the side rail and gasping as he jogged. He really needed exercise.

"Eeeeehhhh!" Grif gasped as he turned around and saw the gunship rising out of the water. Meanwhile, Sarge found one of those sewer entry covers and smashed it off, sending it flying a few hundred meters in the air as he grabbed Grif by the neck and threw him out, then used his hands as a step to help everybody else get up to the surface before he jumped up and slammed the cover back into place. "There... huuuhhh... therehhh is no way in God Jesus almighty a gunship can break through concrete, cement, and PAVEMENT! Right, guys?" Said Grif hopefully.

And it rose out of the ground, then turned around to face the group.

"Well, we're pretty f-cked, aren't we." Church facepalmed in disappointment.

* * *

"I'It's not like I like you or anything! B-BAKA!" Tohka shouted as she pushed Doc, who barely budged.

"Really? And you say that after you kissed me?" He chuckled, patting her on the back. "Come on. Our friends are-"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! AAAHHHHHH!" Donut shrieked as he ran around the corner. "Oh, hey, Doc! What's up?"

"You mean," Chuch shouted as Caboose ran past the three, "what's DOWN? Doc, come on man! You ditched all of us! Run faster, Caboose! Look even GRIF IS CATCHING UP!"

Sarge stopped running abruptly next to Doc, who saluted in response. "MEDICAL OFFICER FRANK DUFRESNE!" Shouted Sarge in disappointment. "Why did you desert your team? As we all know, that is a strict violation of the UNSC! But since you're Doc, I'll let this one slide as a FINAL WARNING! Now, run! Run like the wind because there is a gunship after us! A gunship, I say!"

"Hoh my god... hoh my god..." Grif said as he ran over to a fallen motorcycle. "HAH! I have a motorcycle. And you don't." He jumped on after propping it up, and to his convenience, there was a key in the ignition. Tohka hopped on and grabbed tightly on Grif, who felt two heavenly objects pressing on his back.

"STEP ON IT!" She shouted.

"Motorcycles don't have pedals!" Grif shouted back, twisting the handle and performing a wheelie as he zoomed off right when the gunship started firing again.

"Aw, come on!" Doc protested as he resumed running. "Why didn't you offer it to me? Do you know why we have feet?"

"TO WORK THE GAS PEDAL!" Responded Grif as he turned around and picked Doc up, placing him right behind Tohka as the three rode off into the distance, ditching AND deserting Sarge, Simmons, Efreet, Tucker, Caboose, and Church the AI doomed to the Deus Ex Machina Industries gunship.

Sarge picked up a trash can lid and hurled it at the gunship. "YAAAHHH! You b-stards stay away from my men! Run, maggots! We haven't got all minute!"

"Wait, what?" Tucker said in confusion. "You mean, 'we haven't got all day'?"

"JUST RUN!" Sarge and the group ran around _another _corner and all the way inside its alley as the gunship flew by, oblivious to their escape.

"OH my god!" Tucker sighed in relief, his armor deactivating. "We nearly got our a-ses killed back there! But thanks to my awesomeness and leadership, we made it out!"

"Be quiet." Church snapped. "We lost Doc, that one girl, and Grif. Again."

Caboose spoke up after a long, awkward silence of guilt and confusion. "Hey, should we give Efreet a new name? Efreet sounds too scary."

"Kallie?" Tucker suggested with a smile on his face.

"Dude, if we name her Kallie, that'll make her seem like a charming girl. WHICH SHE IS WHICH SHE IS!" Shouted Church nervously when he got a nasty glare from Efreet/Kallie. "How about Elsa?"

"She does not look like an Elsa." Sarge shook his head. "How about Kotori?"

_Awkward silence_

"You literally just pulled that out of thin air, didn't you." Simmons facepalmed.

"No." Sarge pointed across the street to a jewelry store named... _Kotori._ "See? I didn't pull it out of thin air!"

"I can think of a better name than that!" Caboose said. "How about... FRECKLES?!"

"Ok, seriously," Simmons decided to end the conversation, "Kallie sounds too childish. Elsa does not fit her personality. Freckles... she doesn't have any, nor is she a gigantic UNSC bipedal mech. Kotori seems like the name that would fit her the most. Until we find a better one, we're sticking with Kotori. And don't get me started on her last name; it's going to be Simmons. Her name is Kotori Simmons."

Tucker's jaw hit the floor in shock. " what w wh why?"

"She calls me onii-chan the whole time. And that means 'big brother' in Japanese." Simmons explained.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Kotori/Efreet/Elsa/Freckles/Kallie shouted. "Simmons-San is my older brother! DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!"

"N- no ma'am!" Cried everybody else (excluding Caboose, Simmons, and herself for obvious reasons). "We do not have a problem with that-"

The sound of a motorcycle zooming down the street was heard, steadily increasing in volume. "WaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!" Doc and Grif shrieked, flying into the garbage can right next to Tucker and scaring the living soul out of him with a loud SMASHBANG when the motorcycle smashed into the same can, flattening it. "Holy crap, I can't believe I just drifted a motorcycle!" Grif laughed in disbelief. "Heh hah that was awesome! Much better than running. OH, HEY GUYS, THANKS FOR DITCHING US!"

"What are you talking about?" Church asked. "We're all innocent; YOU'RE the one who ditched us! At least you weren't followed on the way back here! Were you followed? Did you check?"

"NNNnnnnooooo." Replied Grif.

"Hey, Frank-San." Tohka poked her head around the corner. "I destroyed the gunship!"

"What." Said Church, Tucker, Sarge, Grif, Donut, Simmons, and Doc in response.

"Is something wrong?" She asked innocently.

"Something IS wrong!" Church shouted. "You just killed a bunch of sixteen year olds, and the UNSC will think we did it! In the year 2557, you're sentenced to foot-to-head death by buzzsaw! The headlines will say 'UNSC KILLS YOUNG GIRLS'. Of course something is wrong!"

"I didn't kill them!" Tohka shot back, folding her arms and frowning. "I just made them unconscious and stripped them naked to serve as a warning for DEM, baka!"

"That's even worse!" Screamed Church in fear, throwing off his helmet and stomping on it until it was broken. "They're going to think us Spartans raped them! And the sentence for that heinous crime is being buried... ALIVE!"

"Hey, if we're accused for something we didn't do, we might as well be accused for something we did." Tucker said with a grin.

"You know, Tucker," Grif said, "sometimes you can be f-cked up."

"At least we won't die virgins!" He shouted valiantly. "You go to hell if you die a virgin!"

Sarge changed the topic quickly. "Hey, before this topic gets out of hand, why don't we check out this store?" He stood up and opened the alley entrance... right into a gun store full of weapons that would only be legal in certain states in America. He immediately ran up to the wall and grabbed a full-auto belt-fed 8-gauge short-barrel recoil-absorbing stock shotgun that was loaded with slugs. "Yeah, now I can kill Grif better now! This is awesome! Hey, guys, check this out!" Tucker ran in and nearly died from an explosion of awesomeness. He picked off an M4A1 from the wall, but sadly, Caboose took the best weapon.

"Hey, look at me, look at me!" Caboose smiled like an idiot, loading his new gun. "I have a machine gun!"

"Actually, that is an AK-47." Grif incorrected.

"No, that is an AKM." Simmons corrected. "It clearly says on the price tag. Plus, most of the guns here should be illegal in Japan-"

"AAHHH!" Tucker yelled, pointing at a stumbling figure approached him that was all bloody. "ZOMBIE!" He reached into the counter in front of him, shoved a bullet in a magazine, put the magazine in the M4, flipped the safety off, then fired it in the "zombie's" direction. It hit the "zombie" on the ankle, causing it to yell out in pain.

"AAA! AAAOOOWWWW! MOTHER F-CKER!" Wailed the person, who sounded dangerously familiar. He wore a black t-shirt with a thick, yellow stripe down the middle and tan khakis. "I'm not a godd-mn zombie! Oooowww! Seriously, do you think zombies exist!?"

"He sounds dangerously like Agent Washington." Sarge scratched his head in confusion, turning the gun shop's lights on before he had a heart attack of horror. "SAM HELL IT IS AGENT WASHINGTON! A _sixteen year old _AGENT WASHINGTON!"

"Sarge?!" Agent Washington slowly stood up and glared at Tucker. "TUCKER! What was that for?! Did you think I was a friggin' ZOMBIE? I'm gonna strangle you! Come back here! RRrrrhhh!"

"Agent Washington I am so, so, so sorry!" Tucker cried, tossing his M4 in the air, vaulting over the counter, and tripping over his foot.

"Who is that, Frank-San?" Tohka asked innocently, pointing to Washington as he was strangling Tucker and shouting at him for shooting before he identified. "Why is he killing Tucker-San?" Doc rushed forwards and took out a jar of biofoam; a revolutionary product that had the ability to clot open wounds in a victim, which was extremely useful in healing bullet wounds, shrapnel wounds, dismemberments, cuts, and even internal hemorrhaging. He applied a slight amount to Wash's ankle, who in response, screamed out and punched a hole in the floor. If there was something bad about biofoam, it's that it only temporarily solved the problem AND that it hurt. A lot.

"Oh... my god! Thank you Doc... ough... would somebody please explain to me what the h-ll is GOING ON?!" He pleaded, sitting up against the counter.

"Grif spilled coffee on the slipspace drive, and it malfunctioned, sending us back in time to 2014 CE and transforming us into 16 year olds." Simmons explained. "And it appears that a certain species, known to the general public as _spirits, _are terrorizing humanity and there is a company named DEM Industries trying to kill them. In order to seal their powers, we have to KISS THEM! Luckily, there are no male spirits. At the moment."

"You're kidding me, right?" Agent Washington hoped, crossing his fingers and praying to every god he knew.

"Sadly, no. But that means I CAN GET A GIRLFRIEND!" Tucker shouted in victory, taking on a heroic pose. "We Spartans aren't trained to fight; we are trained to make a difference! And... making a difference can mean anything! And if it involves saving a younger Earth from the fate of hot girls with apocalypse powers by having them fall in love with us... and make US the first Spartan-IIs to have girlfriends, then by all means, we MUST do what we were trained to do! But so far, I haven't had my perfect chance yet. Which sucks."

"That got kinda negative quickly." Pointed out Church.

"Hey, guys, watch this!" Grif had collected all of the gun shop's ammo in the room's corner as he juggled a teleportation cube in his hand. "I managed to steal this back from the UNSC research lab, and so I'm going to... take these with us!" He threw the teleportation cube at the ammo, and in an orange flash, all of the stacked boxes were gone. Just then, the gunship slowly flew by the gun shop and stopped right in front of it. "OH CRAP! RUN!" He vaulted the cover and quickly grabbed a (for some reason, pre-loaded) Kel-Tec RFB with a holographic (literally) sight, while Simmons took an MP5k that had a "swordfish" conversion that made it look awesome, a red dot sight for more awesomeness, and a foregrip for John Rambo-level awesomeness. Donut quickly grabbed a (once again, pre-loaded for some unknown reason) FAMAS F2, Washington finally settled on an M24 (.300 WIN MAG) since they lacked a sniper in the team, and since Doc was a medic, he grabbed a first-aid kit and bullet removal kit right when the gunship started firing. Tucker, however, was the slowest because he was carrying a DShKM like Heavy Weapons Guy. And a DShKM is 74 bloody pounds, which is pretty heavy, even for a Spartan-II.

"Seriously, what kind of gun shop sells machine guns?!" Tucker shouted over the miniguns, cannons, missiles, and lasers. Kotori, who was still in her human form, fired a ball of fire at the gunship with her bare hands while Tohka summoned her sword and fired a massive, purple wave of destruction at the same gunship. All alleyways on the impossibly long street were connected by a single, solitary alley (alleyception!), which allowed the group to escape the gunship. Every time they passed an alley, though, they were greeted with a hail of gunfire and missilefire. Caboose accidentally kicked over a trash can, and Donut walked into a large spider covering his path.

"Hey, that reminds me!" Donut aimed his hand down the alleyway and fired a long stream of webbing, which wrapped itself around one of the missiles as he grinned deviously. He flung it back down the path of doom after he spun it around a few times, striking the gunship right in the engine. "NINE POINTS, **YOU DIRTY WHOR3S!" **He high fived Tohka and Kotori in victory, but not before he saw 2 other gunships replacing it. "Nevermind! Keep running, ladies and gents! Keep running! EH SPIDER!"

Simmons jumped, aimed down the alley, and fired away with his new MP5k. It didn't hit anybody, but it was enough to give them enough cover to escape to the next set of cover, which was behind a building. "Okay, guys, we can't kill anybody. Like Church said."

"From now on, we play by the book." Added Washington.

"F-ck the book!" Tucker popped his gun out of the corner and fired away, the recoil of the DShKM smashing him back into the brick wall. "Okay... now I wish I took that M4A1." 5 rockets sped down the alleyway, but Donut shot his web at Tucker and flung him to the other end of the street. Shooting two webs to the top of the buildings above him, he sling shotted himself to the rooftops so he had a clear view of most of the city.

"Let's go kick! Some! A-s!" Donut activated his armor and took on a fighting pose as the lightish red armor unfolded over his skin. "I'll cover you guys!" He shot his web all the way to the tallest building in the city; a massive skyscraper as he saw the web stick to its spire. All of a sudden, he launched forwards and soared through the air as the wind blasted into his face. He felt like he was liberated; flying through the air and nearly becoming a red stain on the side of the building until he maneuvered around it and swung around the skyscraper, then fired two more webs across each side of the city to form an instant, extra powerful slingshot. "Hey b-tches, remember me?!" He shouted as he soared through the air, about to smash into the gunships feet-first. "I saved something for you! ULTRA SPIDER DONUT GIGA KICK!" There was an explosion as Donut broke the sound barrier and smashed into the first gunship. The metal exploded with a dying groan and cracked into a million pieces before it bent away from Donut's feet like a liquid as he felt the force travelling up his legs. The second gunship shared a similar fate, and miraculously, nobody died or was injured.

"NEXT TIME, IT'S GOING TO BE YOU WHO'S RETREATING, PINKY!" Shouted one of the DEM girls menacingly as the others were flying away.

"It's not pink!" Donut clenched his fists and spoke angrily, which was _very _unlike him. "IT'S LIGHTISH RED! And the name's SPIDER DONUT!" His armor deactivated once again, revealing him in his civilian clothing and friendly disposition. "Hey, guys, they ran away! Guys... guys?"

"D-Donut, dude, that was f-cking AWESOME!" Church shouted, flipping out from the sheer awesomeness he had just experienced. "Holy crap! How did you do that?! I wish I was spiderman- I mean, Spider Donut!"

"Private Franklin Delano Donut!" Agent Washington said with a hint of disappointment in his voice. "You nearly killed yourself there! But I guess since you saved us from a terrible fate... yeah, just please... don't do that next time."

Tucker walked out of the alley and dropped his 74 pound machine gun, falling to the floor and crying out loud. "WHY? How come no spirit will just... MIRACULOUSLY appear out of nowhere? How come I've never had my chance to score yet? Why hy hy hey, where's Caboose? Oh no. First we lose Simmons, then Doc, and now Caboose. CABOOSE! Caboose where the heck are you, dude? CABOOSE!" He cupped his hands, raised them to his mouth, and yelled Caboose's name in literally every single direction, even straight at the floor.

Church sighed and growled in frustration. "Ok well godd-mmit, we lost Caboose. In the little fight we had. This is just perfect."

"Surely things can't get any worse!" Grif said happily right as thunderclouds appeared above them. Soon, rain was falling like crazy. Grif nervously chuckled as Sarge slowly turned his dreadful glare to the orange-colored Spartan with a murderer's face. "Eh heh... I kind of jinxed that, didn't I. Oh f-ck."

"PRIVATE GRIF!" Sarge yelled, running up to the unfortunate Grif as he took off like a cheetah. "I'M GONNA STRANGLE YA, YA GODD-MN JINXER!"

* * *

"We appear to be separated from the group." Simmons adjusted his aviator glasses he picked up from the store he was waiting in with Kotori. "...and Caboose is out playing in the rain. CABOOSE! COME IN! YOU'LL GET SICK IF YOU STAY OUT TOO LONG! COME THE H-LL IN!"

"Wheeeee!" Caboose laughed gleefully as he leapt from puddle to puddle, splashing water everywhere. Kotori wasn't sure whether to laugh in amusement or completely _explode _in frustration as he accidentally splashed water right into her face. "Simmons! Come out and play with me! Come on!"

"What?!" Simmons backed up all the way to the darkest section of the room. "No way!"

_Splash_

"I didn't do that." Caboose said suddenly.

"Well, neither did I. And neither did onii-chan." Kotori said casually as she took the lollipop out of her mouth. "Wait WHO THE H-LL DID THAT?! SHOW YOURSELF!" She shouted, summoning her fire axe. Caboose turned around after he heard a sound that Simmons and Kotori had apparently not heard, then ran around a corner.

"OH HELLO THERE WHAT IS YOUR NAME!" Caboose shouted. "MY NAME IS CABOOSE!"

"Nani sore?!" Kotori kicked down the store's doors (hey, that rhymed!) and readied her battle axe for a supreme firey sexy decapitation. "Caboose, who the f-ck are you talking to?!"

"You have a puppet?" Caboose said suddenly. "Hey, what's his name?" After losing her patience, Kotori leapt around the corner and raised her battleaxe to split whoever Caboose was talking to in half. But instead, she saw-

"Oh, hey, Ko-to-ri!" Waved Caboose, who was apparently holding a little girl's hand. She appeared to be about 9-10 years old and almost half the height of Caboose, who was pretty tall even when he was 16.

"Who the heck is that?" Asked Kotori, hiding her fire axe behind her back in order to be discreet. The raincoat the girl wore was green and had bunny ears on the hood, which was something that you could only get in Japan since they make super awesome kawaii stuff. She wore a light blue dress under the raincoat, had friggin' blue hair and blue eyes, and finally, had a rabbit puppet with an eyepatch over her left hand.

"Hey, Yoshino-Chan," The rabbit spoke, "I never expected strangers to be so nice! And look... it's another spirit! Isn't that such a coincidence, Yoshino? Right, Yoshino?"

"What. The f-ck." Simmons said slowly in disbelief, who was checking out what was going on around the street corner. "Caboose, who is that? The world's best ventriloquist?" Suddenly, Yoshino lowered her head so most of her face was covered by the hood's shadow, and Simmons could see a faint blue glow where her eyes were. The puppet sighed and folded its arms, using one to facepalm and shake its head.

"I know everything about you," the puppet said, "Private Dick Simmons of the UNSC." After the puppet said this, Simmons wished that he brought his MP5 with him so he could shoot the puppet off of Yoshino's hands, because it was too d-mn freaky. "You are here because Private Dexter Grif spilled coffee on the UNSC Infinity's slipspace drive, which malfunctioned and sent you back in time from the year 2557 to 2014." Yoshino's mouth was not moving at all while the puppet spoke, making it seem like it was actually sentient. "The weapon you are reaching for is a H&K MP5k with a 1x33 Red Dot Sight and built-in foregrip, and if you touch it, I _will _kill you. Now that I know everything about you, you must know everything about me. 1) Yoshino is not a ventriloquist, 2) Yoshino is not a spirit, and 3) I am a living, breathing, motherf-cking thinking rabbit, not some godd-mn puppet. Do you understand?"

"Y-Y-Y-Ye-Yes." Simmons nodded quickly, the color draining from his face.

"Good!" The puppet immediately went from dead serious to friendly and cheerful in mere milliseconds. "My name is Yoshinon. It is nice to meet you, Private Dick Simmons, or as everybody calls you, Simmons. Well, Yoshino will be on her way now, right, Yoshino?" Yoshino nodded in response and waved goodbye to Kotori, Caboose, and Simmons, then walked off.

"What the h-ll was all that about?" Kotori muttered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Faithful readers! Ever since I posted the chapter on ****_Blood Gulch Spirits _****promising fanservice for more reviews... I got five. FIVE. So just for that, this chapter will be longer than usual... because it contains a lot of plot.**

_**"Plot"**_

**I will be gone for two weeks starting on JULY 30, 'cause I'll be out of the state. And I know it sucks leaving you guys at a long wait of nothing happening, so just wait for the next update, which will most likely be _The Ultimate Harem. _Then it'll be this story, then _The Ultimate Harem_, then _Blood Gulch Spirits _until I finish both stories. THAT is when I continue _Master Chief and Friends Versus the Multiverse, Call Of Lucky: Nacht Der UnLucky, _start _The True Story of Rassei _and another FanFiction X-OVER that involves _Neon Genesis Evangelion, _even though all I know about it is that Shinji Ikari is a good screamer, they fight gigantic monsters in gigantic mech suits that are utterly overpowered, it is centered around Christianity (You know, the angels, Adam is a dead giveaway...), they have 26 episodes, about 6 movies, a few games, and an extremely large fanbase.  
**

**After the _NGE _crossover FanFiction, I'll either end my FanFiction journey OR I could possibly find some other anime that interests me... and write FanFiction for those... but by then, I'll have already published my story. A real story. One that I can earn money off of.  
**

**Oh well on to the story!**

* * *

RECAP

It was a normal day on the UNSC Infinity! The year is 2557 A.D.! Private Grif accidentally spills coffee on the UNSC Infinity's slipspace drive and sends him and his team (Chuch, Caboose, Tucker, Sarge, Simmons, Donut, Doc, and Agent Washington) back in time to 2014 A.D., and turns them _all into 16 year olds._ They landed in some metropolis in Japan that was probably not Tokyo, because it was too big to be Tokyo. Next, they encountered Efreet, a spirit, or a being taking on the form of a female human that possesses supernatural powers and the ability to create massive slipspace explosions. In order to prevent them from destroying humanity, they realize that in order to seal their powers, they have to make them fall in love with them and kiss them! Will they succeed, or will they fail?

So far, here are the successfully sealed spirits going on to live a normal, happy, peaceful life as humans...!

Efreet / Kotori - Sealed by Private Dick Simmons of the UNSC  
Tohka / Sarah - Sealed by Medical Officer Frank DuFresne of the UNSC

Caboose comes across a mysterious girl, Yoshino, and a rabbit puppet-

Yoshinon: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! *Loads shotgun*

I mean, I mean a rabbit! Caboose meets a girl Yoshino with a pet rabbit, Yoshinon! Segeant Sarge of the UNSC is still haunted by the bloody, red-eyed girl he encountered earlier with Private Dexter Grif of the UNSC! AGENT WASHINGTON APPEARS AFTER BEING ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY TUCKER AND BARELY SURVIVES! DONUT GETS SPIDERMAN POWERS! What will happen next? Read... to find out!

Back to the story!

"Who was that girl?!" Caboose shouted.

"I dunno, but she was obviously a spirit." Kotori answered, throwing the finished lollipop across the shop and into a trash can. "The rabbit just wanted Yoshino to be safe from harm and assumed we were spirit hunters, so that's why it said she wasn't a spirit."

"Well, Caboose is obviously out of the question!" Simmons spoke up. "I do not see any possible way Yoshino would want her powers to be sealed by a mentally retarded- I mean special needs Spartan-II. Then again, Tucker is too perverted, so we can't let him get his hands on a little girl like her. Grif is too lazy to take care of her, Donut... not Donut, because I don't know if he can control his spider powers. Sarge is way too violent, and since most of his vocabulary consists of military nomenclature we don't understand, he wouldn't be very good at attempting to seal Yoshino. So that leaves Caboose, and since he has the mind of a child, maybe he'll understand her easier. Agent Washington is too serious and gets pissed easily, so then Caboose would be most likely to seal Yoshino. _Sigh... _I hope I didn't screw up."

"Let's just play it safe." Kotori said, opening a laptop she found in the store and turning it on. "Do you know what dating sims and visual novels are, Onii-Chan?" Simmons nodded. "Okay. The program I just wrote collects the results from the hundreds of thousands of people playing those dating sims and visual novels. Then the program collects the results, organizes them, and chooses the one that was the most popular. That is how we are going to do this!" She stood up on the table, grabbed a katana (wall hanger) from the display window after smashing it, and took on a Satsuki Kiryuin pose, complete with the powerful stare and lighting as she looked down on Simmons and Caboose. "From now on, I will make the choices! I will tell you what to do, what not to do, and other things... when you are dating the spirits! We will play this through as if it was a dating sim! Do you understand, you **PIGS IN HUMAN CLOTHING?!**"

"Y-Yes Kotori-Sama!" Simmons immediately bowed before his powerful imouto while Caboose gaped in awe.

"Okaaayyy!" She smiled, jumping down and immediately returning to her innocent self. "In order for the program to have enough computing power, I'm stealing it wirelessly!"

"Is that even possible?" Simmons asked.

"Yes! You should know since you're a computer geek, dummy!" Chastised Kotori. "Where am I stealing it, you ask? Oh, nothing really. Just the Utah Data Center in America."

"WHAAAAATTT?!" Simmons grabbed his hair and nearly ripped it free from his scalp. "Oh, wait, the NSA was an a-shole back in 2014, so it's all right."

"Goodnight!" Caboose slipped into a sleeping bag be got from the camping section of the store.

"Wait, what?" Simmons checked his watch: 11:23 PM. "WHAT? It's 11:23 PM already? Then why is that girl out at such a time?" He looked out the window to make sure she was still there. "Oh crap, this isn't good. HEY! YOSHINO or whatever your name isAUCK!" Suddenly, Kotori grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back inside the store, slamming the door shut and knocking the bell off.

"She's a spirit... she can fend off pedophiles by herself!" Kotori dragged another sleeping bag across the floor and set it down right next to Simmons as the lights flickered off. "You keep watch for the two of us, okay Onii-Chan?" She winked, giving him a thumbs up and smiling. Even though he wasn't sure what it meant, he still decided that he had to keep an eye out for Caboose and his imouto. "Good night!" She leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek before rolling to the side and dozing off.

"Uh, Simmons... could you tuck me in?" Caboose asked. Sighing and slowly rubbing his hand down his face, Simmons slung his MP5 and walked over to Caboose, tucking him in and zipping the sleeping bag up. "Ok, goodnight Simmons! Don't let the bedbugs bite!"

"Sure..." He mumbled, getting ready for a _long _night.

* * *

"Weuh?" For the first time in many hours Simmons woke up. And tasted his breath. His breath tasted like SH-T! "BLEUGH! EH!" He sputtered, jumping to his feet and unsuccessfully trying to blink away the things stuck in his eye. Once his vision was completely clear and void of any obstructions, he peeked outside, and to his dismay, it was still raining. The sky was as dark gray as always despite the fact it was 5 in the morning, accompanied by that one occasional crack of lightning. Resting his hand on the door handle, he immediately retracted it. "Friggin' static electricity!" He cursed, kicking the door open instead and looking both ways. Nothing on the left side and nothing on the right, just a bunch of lights emerging from the store next door (hey, that rhymed). Wait, lights? NEXT DOOR? Simmons ran to the side and jumped in front of the store's display windows, raising his MP5 and getting ready to blast away.

"Oh, hi, onii-chan!" Waved Kotori, who was taking a bath. Apparently, the store next door was a bathtub-hot tub store, complete with bubble massages, heated water, electricity, and everything else needed to just turn a survival trip into a luxurious getaway. "I'm just taking a bath with Caboose, you know... nothing much."

"CANNONBAAAAALLLLLL!" Shrieked Caboose, running across the room, doing a triple backflip, and dove in. Just then, Chuch's hologram popped up right next to Simmons. He had a face of grave sorrow and that feeling knowing that they were going to be f-cked. Badly.

"Simmons, I am... so, so sorry." He knelt and sat down on Simmons's shoulder, sighing deeply. "Well, we're going to be f-cked soon."

"Wait, what happened? How the heck did you get here? Where is everybody else?" Simmons started to pester Chuch with questions.

"Well, you see..."

A few minutes ago, aboard the UNSC _Ursa Minor_...

"So what do we have here?" Asked Lord Hood, walking past one of the windows displaying what all the scientists, quantum scientists, computer scientists, and guards were working on inside the lab. A bunch of wires were dangling from the roof in the center of the room and wrapped around a glass dome the size of a chair. It was surrounded by various scientific equipment, automated turrets, and desks arranged with computers on them.

"I'm glad you asked." The lead scientist, who preferred to conceal his identity with a MJOLNIR MK. VII helmet, said "We recently found out that one of our most valuable AIs, Epsilon-Church, has the ability to summon memories of previous AI fragments. You know, the ones that were destroyed, including Texas, Omega, the others... Delta. This means we can recreate the original Alpha AI... or study the other ones. And we're going to send Omega back in time to 2014, where your friends are."

"What is the reason for doing such an act?" Lord Hood asked calmly as the lead scientist whipped out a pistol and aimed it at Hood's head. "Do you want to endanger the reds and blues?"

"They are the reason why DEM Industries has not captured a single, let alone killed, a SINGLE spirit!" The lead scientist threw off his helmet to reveal his true self. "Behold! I am not the lead scientist of this project you used to know! I am Isaac Wescott, the CEO of DEM Industries! Nobody will stop me from killing all of the spirits, but best of all... I will be using your own creation AGAINST YOU!" He madly spammed codes in the laptop, still aiming his pistol at Lord Hood.

A blue hologram popped up inside the glass dome. It was Epsilon-Church. "Huh? Whoa, how the heck did I get here? Where is everybody else? WHY AM I IN A F-CKING TEST DOME? GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU BARBARIANS!" He started to punch the glass dome, which had no effect since he was just a hologram. Tapping the _enter _key on his laptop, Isaac Wescott watched as Church's hologram started to bend abnormally, implode into itself, and fly into a million pieces before they reconstructed themselves... not into _one, _but _two _AI constructs. One was Church, and the other was... "Omega." Church said in disbelief. "Omega, what the heck are you doing here?" He sputtered, backing away until he couldn't back away any more. "No, impossible! You're supposed to be dead! NoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOoooooo-"

Back to 2014

"-oooooh, it all makes sense now." Simmons nodded with his hand under his chin. "So, you're telling me that DEM Industries somehow went into the future, took over the UNSC, and now we're all f-cked because we have no help and O'MALLEY IS ON THE LOOSE?!" He shrieked, nearly pulling all the hair out of his scalp. "Do you know what this means?! Here we are, just a band of idiots against an ARMY of supersoldiers, and we can't kill them because killing people in the past might affect the future! So we're f-cked! Badly! Unless we have a plan, we're f-cked!"

"Mwa haha hahaaaaaa!" Omega's hologram popped up right next to Chuch. "I'm back, you imbeciles!" Like Epsilon-Chuch, Omega was one of the AI fragments created from the original Alpha AI, who was _also _Church. He was thought to be destroyed in an EMP blast a few months ago, but apparently, Church had the ability to summon memories of the previous AI. And that included Texas/Beta, the Alpha himself, Delta, Theta, and all the others... including Omega, the AI who gave the Blood Gulch Spartans a terrible time back in the damned canyon... BLOOD GULCH. "I'll see you later, fools! Mwa ha ha ha haaaa!" And wish a shadowy flash, he was gone.

"FFFFfffffff-cccckkkkkk." Church groaned. "Okay, guys, I will rightfully accept all responsibility for this."

"No, it's not your fault." Simmons looked back outside at the never-ending rain. "It's actually the person who gave Grif a coffee cup with holes in it."

* * *

"Hey, guys, I'm back." Church spoke, flying back to the gun shop where the others were. "So, what's up?"

"What's _up?_" Grif whined, leaning against a door that was trying to be forced open by... somebody else inside. "I'll tell you what's up! It all started, like, a few minutes ago. Doc started to go crazy and act like he was infected by O'Malley, you know, back in Blood Gulch. So now he's trying to kill all of us! SARGE, PUSH A DESK OVER HERE OR SOMETHING!"

"No siree!" Sarge folded his arms and smiled. "This is a perfect chance for Grif to finally die!"

"Yeah, guys... this is all kinda my fault." Chuch spoke up as Tucker finally pushed a desk in place of Grif, who in return, picked up a heavy box and put it on top of the desk. "You see, uh... DEM Industries took over the UNSC, they somehow sent me forwards in time back to 2557, and since I can summon memories of the previous AI fragments, including O'Malley... they extracted him out of me and sent both of us back here so they can fulfill their dream of killing all the spirits."

_Silence._

"LET ME OUT, YOU FOOLS!" Shouted Doc/O'Malley behind the closed door, which nearly flew off its hinges from one of the shoulder slams. "I only want to help you end your lives faster! It'll be more exciting than letting yourselves slowly die of old age!"

"HELP MY A-S!" Grif shouted back. "Wait, Church... O'Malley's back?"

"Yes." Church nodded solemnly.

_Silence._

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Grif screamed, throwing his arms up in the air and running in circles. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! OMEGA'S BACK!"

"Hey, at least they didn't send Texas back." Tucker said before joining Grif. "WE'RE ALL F-CKED!"

"Hey, guys, I got this!" Donut fired a web out of his hands, which wrapped themselves around the crates and desks blocking the door Doc was trapped behind. He flung them outside to the street, and as a result, Doc literally _flew _outside, clutching a crowbar in his hands and screaming a death cry before he was pinned to the wall with the help of Donut's super tensile and flexible webbing. "Hah, see! I did it!"_  
_

"Fast thinking, Private Delano Donut." Congratulated Agent Washington, patting him on the back. "Fast thinking. Anyways... Omega. I have a question to ask you."

"I'll take that question mark and slit your throat with it like a sickle!" Threatened Omega-Doc.

"What do you want?" Agent Washington queried.

"I want all of you to die! That's what I want for Christmas, Feliz Navidad fools!" Omega-Doc laughed evilly. "Mwa ha ha!"

"Seriously." Agent Washington repeated, aiming his M24 right at Doc-Omega's head.

"Hah, you'd never kill your friend!" Doc-Omega taunted. "Your safety is on, and it's not even loaded! Plus, that's an airsoft gun, not a real gun!" Cursing under his breath, Agent Washington tossed his airsoft sniper aside, then grabbed a _real _gun: an M21 sniper rifle, loading it and holstering it. "You fools are so pathetic in interrogating! You'll never wring an answer out of me! Mwa ha ha."

"He's possessed!" Tucker suddenly realized with a flashing epiphany. "HE'S POSSESSED! THAT'S IT!" He reached inside the counter, took out a machine gun bipod, snapped it in half, and used packaging tape to tape the two pieces together in order to form a cross. "The power of Christ... compels you!"

"The power of Christ strangles you!" Docmega shot back. "Biblical exorcism will not work MWA HA HAAAAHAAAAHAAA!"

"The power of Christ... COMPELS YOU!" Tucker repeated, this time more confident. "Jesus will compel your a-s!"

"Oh does it?" Chuckled Doc-Omega. "Well, it's not very compelling. I will crush all your souls to dust, and stomp on them and burn them and take over the world! MWA HA HA HA HAAAA! I'll never leave Doc! He is the best host! Hahahaha_SLAM!_" All of a sudden, Sarge grabbed a folding chair and smashed it into Doc's face, knocking him out cold.

"F-Frank-San?" Tohka whimpered. "What did you do to Frank-San?"

"UUuuuuhhh he's sick!" Sarge nervously laughed. "It's not like he's infected by some sort of evil artificial intelligence bent on taking over the world and killing everybody, right Grif?" Grif nodded nervously. "See? He's just... sick."

_Silence._

"HI SARGE!" Caboose waved, who was standing outside... in the rain, clothes drenched. "I'm just out here... you know... it's not like there's a gigantic monster rabbit waltzing through the city... and a bunch of girls in mech suits are shooting at it..." In the distance, through the sound of the rain, _everybody_ could obviously hear missiles streaking through the air, gunfire (lots of it), laserfire (even more), and finally, a hellish, demonic roar that was over 9000 times scarier than Godzilla's. "Yeah.. I'm going to go right now. Bye!" He spun around on one foot, hurriedly sprinting in the direction of an unfolding battle._  
_

"CABOOSE! Where are you?!" Simmons shouted over the dastardly din, taking refuge inside one of those massive concrete parking buildings while he helped Kotori set up all of the equipment, which involved a few hundred meters of wiring, satellite dishes, cloaking devices, and a laptop with multiple unfolding screens. "We're already set up! Have you reached the supermarket yet?"

"I'M ALMOST THERE!" Responded Caboose in his usual happy, naive and not-giving-a-f*ck voice. "Ok, now I'm here! NOW WHAT DO I DO?" He peeked around the corner of his cover, which was a bank, and looked at the battlefield. It was _exactly _like the King Kong movie; there were gunships circling and shooting at a gigantic, gargantuan, monster-like 90-meter-tall rabbit, which was probably Yoshinon. Instead of a happy smile, Yoshinon now had a mouth full of rows and rows of razor-sharp, serrated teeth. But instead of trying to attack them, it seemed like all it was doing was just waving its claws at the gunships, trying to ward them off. Which it wasn't doing so well._  
_

"Yoshino is inside the supermarket, the building DEM is trying to break into!" Kotori shouted as a stray missile flew over her head. "ONII-CHAN! SET UP THE CLOAKING SYSTEM!" She barked suddenly, giving Caboose a heart attack. "Sorry about that. Anyways, I've marked the supermarket on your helmet's HUD. Did you activate your armor already?"

"What's this blue diamond on my visor doing? It says... '103M'? It must be a bug! KILL IT!" Caboose said as he just activated his armor.

"No, dummy." Kotori sighed. "It's the waypoint to the supermarket. Be careful, be concealed, be quiet."

"Okay!" Caboose grabbed the mailbox next to him, the kind of mailbox somebody can hide in, and shoved it over his body and started to crawl through the streets where a battle was unfolding. "NOBODY CAN SEE ME! I'M A WALKING MAILBOX!"

Simmons and Kotori facepalmed simultaneously.

"OKAY I'M AT THE SUPERMARKET!" Caboose was sitting right in front of the waypoint, trying to touch it. "It's so.. small... and diamondlike..."

"No, the supermarket is right behind you." Kotori instructed. "Go to the fifth floor." Caboose kicked down the doors, and had to turn on his night vision because it was pitch-black. In an instant, he was thrown all the way across the street because the sewage was apparently broken, and the first two floors were flooded with crap and Lincoln Logs.

"OH SH-T!" Simmons cried.

* * *

"I'M AT THE FIFTH FLOOR!" Caboose blurted LOUDLY.

"Okay, but don't be so d-mn loud!" Snapped Kotori. Even though she was only 14 and had much to learn about humanity, she already knew how to say bad words. "Or else the DEM will know both of your locations!"

"What's that bright red dot on my radar thingy?" Caboose suddenly asked. He turned around to face the 'dot' and his night vision instantly clicked off.

"NANDE!" Kotori screamed, slamming her fists on the laptop as the connection was lost. "This shouldn't be happening! I'm using US military-grade connections here! This shouldn't be possible!" All of a sudden, the connection returned to reveal Caboose's HUD view. His shields were full, his health was at the max, heart rate was normal, but his radar was completely red and it was pitch-black. The flashlights were broken and the night vision was currently f-cked up. "Oh thank god! Caboose, are you still there?"

"It's really dark and spooky!" He said nervously, backing up cautiously. "It's like Halloween, except there's no candy. And Jack-O-Lanterns. Why isn't my night vision working!? Does it need to go to the doctor?! A band aid, perhaps?"

"Try turning it on." Kotori instructed.

Caboose turned on his night vision.

The very first thing he saw was a bloody 16-year old girl standing right in front of him.

"**AAAHHHH! HOLY JESUS F*CK-A-ROLLI!**" Simmons screamed at the top of his lungs, flying back 10 meters and gasping rapidly, clutching his hummingbird-beating heart. Kotori lost the connection once again, her laptop screen returning static. "Ah! Jesus god d-mn it! Hahh hahh!" Simmons breathed in and out, slowly and steadily. "Okay, okay. Who what when where why how? Who the h-ll was that? What the h-ll just happened? When the h-ll did she show up? Where the h-ll did she come from? Why the h-ll did that happen? How the _H3LL_ did that happen?!"**  
**

"Guys! She's gone!" Caboose warned, looking around rapidly. "I'm scared! Can we go now?"

"Not yet!" Kotori shouted. "I'm sorry for dragging you through all of this, but now is not the time for apologies! We have to seal the spirit Yoshino, calm down Yoshinon, and somehow get out unnoticed! Assault team Bacon Grilled Skrillex-Sandwich (Blood Gulch Spartans/Spirits), get ready to attack at a moment's notice! Don't kill anybody or else the future will be screwed badly!"

"Roger." Agent Washington nodded, activating his armor.

"Wait, what?" Tucker shook himself out of his daze, loading his 3-round-burst-only M4A1 he switched for his DShKM ('cause it was too heavy).

"Caboose, do you have visual on Yoshino?" Simmons asked. "Yes or no?"

"I SEE HER!" Caboose shouted, pointing to the other end of the room. Suddenly, the visor cam sparked back online, allowing Kotori and Simmons to see everything through Caboose's eyes, and that included him pointing right at Yoshino at the other end of the clothing store located on the fifth floor (hey, that rhymed!). She was facing the wall, just... standing there. "Now what do I do?"

"Okay, the results are in!" Kotori took the lollipop out of her mouth and pointed it at the computer screen, slowly smiling. "The results are in... and let's begin our date. So.. option 3 is obviously out of the question, 'cause I don't know anybody sane enough to say that. So Caboose, on your HUD, see option 2? Say what it reads."

"Why not number 3?" Caboose asked. "Because if I say it, then you'll know somebody sane enough to say that."

"JUST SAY OPTION 2!" Kotori roared in annoyance.

"Option 2." Caboose said in response. "Now what?"

"No, say what option 2 reads, smarta-s." Simmons replied.

"Okay! Uh.. hello, Yoshi! No!" Caboose called, attracting her attention and resulting in her turning around to see who it was. "It's me... Caboose! The guy who saw you earlier... remember me?" He removed his helmet and slowly approached her. "Now, uh... wait, what did it say again?" He put his helmet back on to read option 2 on his HUD. "Oh, yeah! Uh... I am here to save you!"

"That's not option 2!" Kotori shouted, nearly kicking over a satellite dish over in frustration. "That's option one, you big doofus!"

"W-what are you doing here?" Yoshino slowly backed away from Caboose. "S-stay away! I don't want you to get hurt!" All of a sudden, a bunch of ice crystals rose out of the floor and formed a protective wall around Yoshino.

It was exactly like _Frozen._

Welling up a powerful rhyme, Caboose announced, "Do not fear, Caboose is here!"

"That was..." Simmons admitted, "actually well-dictated. Good job, Caboose."

All of a sudden, Yoshinon ripped off the roof of the supermarket and stared at Caboose right in the eye.

"Don't go outside when it's dark!" Yoshinon growled. "You could get raped by a clown!"

"Uh..." Simmons took off his headphones and adjusted them. "Did I hear that correctly?"

"Yoshinon just wants Caboose to go away." Kotori put the lollipop back in her mouth and reclined in her seat. "Prove to both of the that you're there to protect them, Caboose! How do I make Caboose angry, onii-chan?"

"DEM INDUSTRIES NEEDS YOUR HELP THEY WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU!" Simmons shouted through his earpiece.

"I am here to save both of you!" Caboose said loudly, not moving a single bit even when intimidated by a 90-meter tall killer rabbit.

"How can you prove that to both of us, huh?" Yoshinon glared at Caboose until he got struck in the back of the neck my a missile. Roaring in anger, he slammed both of his front limbs on the floor, and as a result, a large swirling wind of razor-sharp ice crystals rose out of the floor, surrounding Yoshinon. They flew outwards in all directions, shredding the street to dust, shredding buildings to dust, shredding dust to microscopic remains, shredding the gunships to dust, yet not killing anybody. Caboose was unaffected, and when the icy dust cleared... IT WAS STILL RAINING AND THERE WERE MORE DEM SOLDIERS IN THE AIR THAN BEFORE.

"They want to play with me?" Caboose asked Kotori and Simmons, who replied yes. "Ok then! Yaaaayyyy!" He stepped back a few steps then ran forwards, straight to the edge of the supermarket and leapt a great distance, grabbing one of the DEM girls as she was hovering in midair with her jetpack and firing a few lasers at Yoshinon. Ripping off her jetpack, he attached it to the back of his armor and used it to fly up to another DEM soldier. "EAGLE PUUUUNNNCCCHHH!" He bellowed in a deep voice, slamming his fist into her face and rocketing her into the floor, or what was left of it.

"It's _FALCON _punch, dumb sh-t!" Grif corrected. Ignoring him, Caboose noticed that two of the DEM soldiers were flying to him, taking out laser swords and getting ready to decapitate him. He easily blocked the swings by crossing his forearms and blocking the hardlight blades, then eagle-falcon punching both of them in the face before he leapt off of their KO'd bodies, grabbed a sniper rifle off of one of the bodies, did a triple backflip in midair before he Call-Of-Duty trickshotted one of the other DEM soldiers in the head, not causing any major damage but had enough force to stun her, leaving Caboose enough time to do a midair somersault rifle-smash-on-the-head. Another crater appeared on the floor as she hit the cold, hard ground.

"Why didn't we have him fight Texas back then?" Whined Tucker. "It would've saved Grif the pain! It would've saved _all of us _the pain!"

"Quiet, blue!" Sarge shouted. "Watch as Caboose literally does something I would never do in my whole life!" (because he can't hit girls)

"Thank you, thank you." Caboose landed back on the supermarket, but YOSHINO AND YOSHINON WERE GONE! "Huh? Where did they go? Oooohh, I know! Hide and seek, right?" He kicked over a trash can, dove into piles of debris, but he couldn't find her.

"Uh, I don't know, maybe that will give you a clue?" Simmons put down to waypoints on his HUD; one at Yoshinon, who was currently taking on 30 gunships, and the other at a gigantic swirling ice storm smack-dab in the middle of the city. "BGS team, stand down.

Caboose has this one."

* * *

"WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Kotori shouted as Caboose stood right in front of the rapidly expanding ice storm. "Don't go in! It's going to be worse than walking into a barrage of shotgun shells! It will be like walking into a storm full of flying sharks, chainsaws, and wood chippers! Wait for- oh, crap." Right above the eye of the storm was a swirling, purple distortion of space that looked dangerously like an exploding slipspace bomb. "She's going to create a spacequake! Caboose? CABOOSE! D-mmit, he's disabled his comms system! DOES HE EVEN KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING?!"

"Of course he does!" Donut waved it off, laughing lightly. "Caboose always knows what he's doing.

"Sometimes." Pointed out Agent Washington. "What _is _a spacequake?"

"Spirits are known for creating spacequakes! Imagine, like, just a gigantic antimatter bomb exploding and obliterating everything in its blast radius, which is around 300 miles AT THE LEAST!" Kotori literally screamed. "WHAT IS CABOOSE DOING?!"

"He just walked inside, why?" Donut answered.

"What." Said Simmons and Kotori at the same time. "Did you just say."

"I said he walked in!" Reiterated Donut.

Inside the ice storm...

Caboose was in a dark room. A very dark room where he could feel ice shards bouncing off his armor like there was no tomorrow. It was also pretty cold. Well, _very _cold. And the only source of light was in what appeared to be the true eye of the storm, where there was a blue light with Yoshino sitting in the middle. "Uh, hello!" Caboose called, slowly walking up to her. "Well, I don't see any sharks... or chainsaws.. or wood chippers... I guess that's a good thing, is it? Anyways, I have your puppet!" He said enthusiastically, holding up his left hand. "He was putting up a bit of a fight... but I, you know, calmed him down. After a few hours."

"Caboose, after you seal Yoshino, I'm gonna strangle you!" Kotori threatened. "Dealing with spirits is INCREDIBLY risky, because we run the risk of accidentally pissing them off and creating a spacequake! Do you know what happened the last time a human tried to seal the Nightmare spirit? HE GOT SHOT TO PIECES!"

"Who is the Nightmare spirit?" Caboose asked in curiosity.

"I'll... we'll talk about her when we meet her! Which apparently we have already." Kotori snapped. "Okay, Caboose, this is the critical moment. One right move, and it's a cakewalk from there, but if you f-ck up, everything within a few-hundred mile radius of Yoshino will be utterly screwed. So say exactly what it says on your HUD. understa-"

"W-why did you follow me?" Yoshino asked quietly.

"Ehhhuuuhhhh..." Caboose read the option on his screen, "KOTORI! Why does it say 'What color are your panties?'?!"

"Crap, uh... say something logical! Like... Onii-Chan! Any ideas?"

"Uh... 'Treat people the way you want to be treated?'?" Simmons choked out.

"That'll have to do!" Kotori put her earpiece back on. "Caboose! Choose OPTION 3!"

"Okay!" Caboose turned back around to face Yoshino. "Oh, yeah, before I forget, here is Yoshinon!"

"T-thanks-" Yoshinon said, but was interrupted by Yoshinon.

"Well, Caboose!" Yoshinon smiled in his usual way, putting his arms on his hips. "That took you quite long enough! Tell me, even after all of the threats I incessantly spewed at you," The rabbit took out a cigarette, which Yoshino lit for him while he puffed smoke out, "why did you still come to confront Yoshino, huh?"

Simmons started to squeeze Kotori's chair in anticipation and fear, nearly crushing the back rest. "Option 3... option 3..." muttered Kotori over and over again every time she breathed out.

"Uh..." Caboose gulped in fear, then said "I have come to... free you from a world of being constantly hampered over and over again by Deus Ex Machina Industries?"

"No, say it with pride!" Simmons shouted. "Like, 'I have come to free you from a world... a world of being constantly hampered over and over again from _DEUS EX MACHINA INDUSTRIES!_'" He yelled with gusto. "Come on, you can do better than me, even though I was in Drama in high school!"

"Stop bragging about you in your friggin' Drama class in high school!" Grif shouted in pure annoyance.

"Okay, eehhh, I have come to free you from a world of being constantly hampered over and over again from Dues Ex Machina Industries!" Caboose repeated, this time with more "Gust'o'".

"Really?" Yoshino semi-instantly started to open up... a _little _bit. "Y-You're not associated with Deus Ex Machina Industries?"

"Oh, no." Caboose chuckled, waving the thought away. "You see, they don't wear helmets and they're all girls."

"Uh huh." Yoshinon nodded. "And let's just wait until they start recruiting men, women, and boys to do their dirty work."

"Have I earned your trust yet?" Caboose spoke in a way that made the current situation totally less serious, as if he was taking everything un-seriously/in-seriously/de-seriously/NOT seriously.

"Well, you see," Yoshinon took out another cigarette and lit it, then inhaled a bit of smoke and puffed it out through his mouth, "you returned Yoshino's most prized possession back to her AND drove the DEM away and protected her most prized possession. I think you've earned more than just her trust, Caboose! But... I can see that is not the only reason why you are here. So tell me why you _really _are here or else I'll f-ck you up sh-t creek... _without a paddle!_"

"Yes there is another reason!" Caboose outstretch'd his hands and puckered his lips, making an obscene kissing noise.

"You're kidding me!" Yoshinon gawked in its utmost, most sincere face of horror, disbelief, and disgust. "No way Yoshino would kiss somebody she just met, despite the fact you're not as ugly and barbaric as most men she met!"

"HEY!" Shouted Kotori and Donut simultaneously when they picked up Yoshinon's words over Caboose's transceiver earpiece. "Caboose isn't ugly and barbaric!" "Yeah!" Donut added, "He's a well-mannered, handsome young gentleman!"

"Did he seriously just..." Agent Washington sputtered, still curled up into a little ball behind a foxhole created by a missile as bullets, lasers, and rockets zoomed over his head, along with the prevalent cannon fire.

"Yeah, it's normal." Tucker nodded, aiming his M4 out of the foxhole and spraying it in the air, trying to drive any soldiers back.

"Well, I don't mind..." Yoshino looked around the three (counting Yoshinon) nervously, then back at Caboose. "Uh... Caboose... how do you kiss?"

"I GOT THIS." Caboose uttered, grabbing Yoshino lightly by the shoulders and slowly pulling her in, pecking her quickly on the lips. It wasn't passionate, or long, or a French kiss. It was just a "peck".

"Boy, doesn't get any more intimite than that!" Tucker said in a sarcastic manner.

"Oh, shut up!" Simmons yelled back. "Even Caboose, a mentally retarded retard, managed to seal a spirit surprisingly quickly compared to everybody else! He's over 9000 times the man you'll ever be!"

"Uh, why is she naked?" Caboose asked suddenly.

Later...

"You're Sarah, huh?" Doc-Omega grinned evilly, looking at Sarah/Tohka right in the eye as she steadily aimed her large broadsword in her direction. "Oh, what's that little miss? Going to skewer me with a little butter knife? How about a gigantic battle axe? With a chainsaw rotating drill blade of fiery darkness! MWA HA HA! And I'll drag your body into an isolated corner and proceed to strip you-"

"D-mn you!" Tohka shouted. "Get the h-ll out of Frank-San's body or else I'll nail you to the walls!"

"Ha ha ha ha haaaa!" Doc-Omega cackled. "Pain does not deter me from my lifelong objective, impudent imbecile!"

"Really?" Tohka had a lightbulb light above her head as an epiphany raced through her mind. "How about love?"

"What? LOVE?" Doc-Omega guffawed. "HAH! Don't even try! I will be unfazed by the slightest hint of love-" All of a sudden, Tohka vaulted over the counter like a master parkour ninja and planted her lips briefly on Frank-San's before parting due to gravity. "Wait, what is this draining sensation? MY POWERS! NOOOOOooooooHey, Sarah! What's up?" Frank asked in his normal, friendly voice. "Uh... why am I stuck to the wall and why is Omega right in front of me?"

He motioned to the darkened hologram in front of him.

"Nooooo!" O'Malley roared in despair. "I was so close to world domination! I'm going to kill all of you! ALL OF YOU, even the smallest ant and amoeba! Mwa ha ha!"

"O'Malley! That's not very nice." All of a sudden, the front doors flew off their hinges as Sarge burst in the room, aiming his shotgun at Doc. "Hey, Sarge! What's cookin'?"

"DON'T SAY ANY MORE, O'MALLEY WHO WAS ONCE DOC!" Sarge ordered, flipping the safety off. "This is twelve-gauge madness! No, THIS! IS! SPARTAAAA!" He took a few steps back, and with an inhumane roar, sprinted forwards and leapt in the air, executing a roundhouse kick. "FALCON KICK!" He uttered, but was stopped when Tohka grabbed him by the neck and tossed him to the floor.

"Calm down, old man." Tohka said. "I took the evil thing out of him!"

"'Evil thing'?" Tucker whined, slumping in and groping for a playboy magazine resting on the floor. "Caboose is a WICKED THING!"

"How so?" Sarge asked, rubbing his neck in pain and oblivious to who was walking in.

"He sealed Yoshino!"

There they were, Caboose and Yoshino holding hands. Yoshino somehow got her blue dress back, and sitting on her arm was the eternally-smiling Yoshinon.

"Congrats to Private Michael J. Caboose!" Church applauded, eyeing the new 'couple', yet they didn't exactly refer to it that way. "May we bless these two with our greatest luck and wish them the best of... wishes! Forever! And ever!"

Yoshinon glared at Caboose.

"Seriously, you have the weirdest friends." He reiterated.


	7. Chapter 7- The Bloodthirsty Couple

**I "kind of" forgot about the Kurumi part last chapter.**

**So I'll update this first and THEN I will work on _The Ultimate Harem._**

**Unfortunately, because of the planned story and my promises, I'll make this... a LONGER THAN NORMAL CHAPTER!**

* * *

"What are you going to use all that junk for, huh?" Sarge held open the door as Simmons, who was drenched in rainwater, walked in holding a bunch of wrecked machinery from the mech suits, giving in from the sheer weight and collapsing on the floor, spilling all of it over the gun shop's flloor. It was STILL raining outside, no word from the UNSC was received yet, and it was only around 8 AM.

"I'm going to upgrade our armor!" He gasped, sorting out the 'junk'. There were assorted rocket thrusters, gravity propulsion systems, shock absorbing boots, and one shoulder-missile launcher, which looked extremely inconvenient to lob around unless the mech suits DEM used enhanced strength and agility. "And I'll... need... your help with that."

"Alright!" Sarge grabbed Grif and slammed his head on the counter, activating his armor at the same time. "Don't move, Grif, or else I'll shove a wrench up your a-s!"

"Guys, please... language." Simmons nodded to Yoshino, whose mind was absorbing all the new language and profanity.

"Okay. I'll hold him down while you put the shock absorbing boots on!" He shouted in response.

"Why not shock absorbing boobs?" Tucker snickered as he pointed at Tohka, who in response, grabbed a folding chair and threatened to smash him over the head with it. "OKAY OKAY I'M SORRY! Jeez, it was just a joke..."

"Will this hurt a lot?" Grif started to squirm as Simmons found a pair of shock absorbing boots that matched Grif's foot size. "W-why are you taking out that screwdriver? Are you going to NAIL IT INTO MY FEET?"

"He will if you won't hold still!" Sarge grunted, lifting Grif's head up and smashing him down again on the counter. Simmons slipped the shock absorbing boots on and started to mess with Grif's suit controls located on the inside of his helmet. The armor folded over the shock absorbing boots and _absorbed _them into the armor. "See? That's it? Now go outside!" He pointed his shotgun at the door, and the instant Grif stepped foot outside, Sarge nodded to Tohka, who took out her broadsword and fired a wave of harmless yet explosive purple energy at his feet. The propulsion forces from the blast sent him flying 80 feet into the air.

"LAND ON YOUR FEET!" Shouted Simmons. 3 seconds later, Grif three-point landed on the floor like a boss, not breaking a single leg. At all. Waves rippled through the ground and slightly rocked the gun shop, knocking a (for some reason, loaded) gun loose and misfiring as it fell to the floor. "See? I knew it would work! Now step here for the rocket boosters. They're even _better._"

"Shouldn't our main concern be whether or not the public will return to the city?" Tohka hid her broadsword behind her back and looked out on the street as Grif ran up to Simmons, ready to strangle the maroon-armored Spartan-II. "I mean, maybe we should try blending in."

"Yes!" Simmons choked out as Grif was wringing Simmons's neck. "We- should- blend- in- AUCK!"

"By what, enrolling in the nearest high school?" Tucker scoffed.

3 hours later

"WHY DID I SAY THAT?" Whined Tucker, slumping in the back of the "Shinkansen", one of the 300 mph metrorail train systems that webbed throughout Japan. "I don't want to repeat high school! There were so many chicks in front of me, but I couldn't get any girlfriends! It's like being tied up and having delicious food just out of your reach! IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!" He stared out the window and sighed, staring out at the metropolis as they zoomed by various high rises and other super-cool-looking aesthetic structures. To make the city even weirder, the tram system extended out into the ocean to an island not far off the shore, where a high school was located. And they were traveling there to enroll in it in order to "blend in". All of a sudden, the Shinkansen stopped by one of those random stops in the middle of the railroad tracks elevated right above the azure ocean. All the stop had was a frickin' bathroom AND some food store! Nothing else!"

"Another stop?" Grif groaned as the Shinkansen automatically slowed down to a 20-second stop. "Come on! This is, like, the hundredth stop!" Sarge stepped out with his shotgun and looked left. He looked right. Nobody was waiting for the tram. And he looked left again when he heard a stepping sound.

The bloody 16 year-old girl was standing there.

"AAAAHHHHH! GO GO GO GO GOGOGOGOGOOOOO!" Sarge shrieked, running inside and slamming the doors shut as he leaned against them, trying to keep them shut.

"It's her..." Yoshino stared out the window as the Shinkansen slowly passed the girl before taking off at 300mph once again. Running all the way to the back of the tram, Sarge looked out the back door to make sure she wasn't hijacking.

"Oh thank god!" Simmons fell to the floor in relief, closing his eyes and placing his hand on his forehead before standing up and looking out the right windows. "Hey, guys, we're here! Prepare to jump!" He shot off the Shinkansen's right exit/entry doors and was nearly blown away by the sudden change of air pressure. "Okay, island looks clear! Go go go! GO, I SAID!" Tucker hesitantly jumped out and activated his armor's new gravity propulsion systems, Caboose just sort of... walked out with Yoshino on his back, something Yoshinon would probably never forgive him for doing, then Donut, then (after Tohka parkoured her way to safety) Doc.

Sarge and Grif were hiding all the way on the back of the Shinkansen. "Guys, what are you waiting for! COME ON!" Simmons urged. "We're wasting time, come on!"

"Uh..." Sarge looked out the open window down the hundred-foot drop. "...why don't we wait until we reach the stop? I'm.. a little queasy when it comes to heights..."

"Yeah!" Agreed Grif, folding his arms defiantly. "I'll save more energy by going to the tram stopF-CK YOUUUUuuuuu..." His screams got quieter and fainter immediately after Kotori pushed him out of the tram. Sarge, however, curled up into a little ball and refused to move.

"Oh my f-cking god, FINE!" Simmons said impatiently.

5 minutes later...

"Guys! Where are you?!" Simmons ran down the flight of stairs the second the tram reached the station, with Sarge and Kotori right in front of him. "Is everybody all right? In one piece?"

"I got a cut THANKS TO YOU!" Grif shouted as screams were heard both in the distance and over the transceiver. "You thought the island was evacuated, huh? Well, they're all STILL HERE! So what do you think is going to happen when a bunch of supersoldiers clad in next-next-next-next-nex-next gen powered assault armor armed with firearms land in the middle of the street? Pande f-cking monium!11111" Facepalming in frustration, Simmons threw a taxi cab driver out of his taxi and hopped in the front seat while Sarge threw himself into the "shotgun" seat. Kotori, however, jumped on the roof as Simmons spammed the gas pedal, resulting in the taxi suddenly jerking forwards at 90 mph.

"Because some of the students are from the main city, school will start 40 minutes later at 9:00 AM and end at 4:30 PM!" Yelled Simmons over the screams and sounds of cars crashing, swerving the taxi out of a SWAT van's way. "I've already enrolled all of us! ALL OF US! Go grab some supplies!"

"Why? Grif asked randomly.

"BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY!" Sarge screamed into his transceiver. "Step on it, Simmons! My grandma can sh-t faster than this crummy car!" He positioned his shotgun's barrel and aimed it at the taxi's front windows, pulling the trigger and shattering them. "When I say now, SLAM THE BRAKES NOW!" Kotori barely had any time to process what Sarge had just said until she suddenly went flying forwards at 90mph, matching the speeds of Sarge and Simmons, who was flailing his arms everywhere as they soared past a police car, another police car that was immobile because of webs stuck on its wheels, and finally, a dollar store where the other Spartans were gathering (or more accurately, stealing) the school supplies they needed. Luckily for the three, Donut fired a massive web between two street lights which slowed down their impact.

"AHHH!" Tucker ran through the store's display windows as the store's owner threw a shopping cart at him, knocking him to the floor and spilling all of his "loot" onto the street. "Here, you want money? Take it!" He aimed his M4A1 at a random passerby, who immediately raised his hands in the air and allowed Tucker to take his wallet, which he threw to the owner. "Guys! We're getting out of here! IT IS 8:56 AM!" After they were done grabbing all of the supplies they needed, the group ran out onto the street, made sure nobody saw them enter a deserted alleyway where the Spartans deactivated their armor, and reappeared like normal, everyday students who had absolutely zero suspicion amidst them.

"Wow, they didn't even see that?" Grif said in awe as he straightened his Hawaii-styled button-up bright orange t-shirt. "That was... unexpected."

"Frank-Saaaaannnnn!" Tohka cried, shoving an unfortunate man out of his bicycle. "We're going to be late for school! I don't want to be punished!" She pedaled off in the direction of the school, which wasn't that far off, and punched _another _unfortunate person off _his _bicycle, allowing Doc to have a massive speed advantage. The whole island-city was in complete chaos, and the rain was making it even worse. Cars were skidding across the streets, the police and SWAT couldn't find the "armored, armed and dangerous supersoldiers in varying colors", and a huge 18-wheeler nearly ran Tucker over, who dodged out of its way and flipped the driver off as he crashed into a tree.

"One minute!" Sarge announced, ramming the school's front doors open as he slipped on his brand-new school uniform blazer and put on his backpack, skidding around a corner and taking little time to marvel at how modern the school's design was, with aesthetic, polished wood, metal, and glass designs that made it look extremely high-class as he ran up the stairs (six at a time) up to the second floor with the others both ahead and behind him. Conveniently, they all shared the same homeroom.

Inside the homeroom, the teacher was already taking attendance. "I repeat, Franklin Delano Donut. Is there a Franklin Delano Donut here?" Suddenly, Donut went smashing through the homeroom's doors and stumbled into his seat as all eyes in the classroom immediately darted to him, but soon, the whole class started to panic as Sarge rolled over Donut's desk and nearly gave himself a concussion on his own desk while Tucker tripped over his seat, Grif accidentally sat in Tohka's seat, and... well, you get the idea.

"Present!" Donut smiled, raising his hand.

"Er... okay, it looks like eveybody's here..." The teacher cautiously continued taking attendance cautiously. "Frank DuFresne?"

"Puh puh present..." He gasped, out of breath after nearly pedaling his legs off a few minutes on end. Class continued as normal, most of the students doing whatever they did when the teacher was taking attendance, and for Sarge, that meant taking a drink out of the soda he stole until the teacher called his name.

"S... Sarge McSarge?" She squinted and shook her head, making sure she wasn't seeing things. "I'm sorry, that must be a typo. Hold on, I'll be right back-"

"That isn't a typo, m'ady!" Sarge stood up and announced to the whole class. "My name is Sarge McSarge, because, well... my dad was in the military. End of discussion, maggots." He sat back down and resumed (in secrecy) chugging down his carbonated soda as the teacher nervously checked off his name and as everybody in the class stared at him and each other before lapsing into a room full of hushed whispers. "Oh, yeah, present." He said, raising his hands.

"Uh... Kurumi Tokisaki?" The teacher said, adjusting her glasses and eyeing all of the odd names in her list, since the Blood Gulch Spartans were, like, the only non-Japanese people in the entire class, or perhaps even the entire school.

"Present." A 16 year old girl with black hair that covered her left eye with bangs and two long pigtails tied with red frilled ribbons raised her hand. Her right eye... was a RED EYE! Tucker looked at her and choked on his own spit from surprise. Sarge glanced at her, did a double take, and literally spat-spewed all of his carbonated drink across the room, his eyes nearly exploding from shock. Caboose looked up for a while, not noticing that Kurumi was the same bloody girl he encountered earlier, then resumed doodling in his new college-ruled textbook. Grif fell back in his seat from pure horror, Donut pretended not to see her, Doc had basically the same reaction as Caboose (except he wasn't doodling), but Tohka and Kotori immediately noticed something was amiss while Sarge hastily cleaned up his mess.

"Okay, uh... looks like that's all of us... why don't we have the new students come up and introduce themselves?" The teacher momentarily walked out of the room to make sure her new students were 100% sane by looking up their records... which were nonexistent because they WEREN'T GOING TO BE CREATED FOR THE NEXT 500+ YEARS!

"Uh..." Tucker shuffled up to the front of the room, "hi, I'm Tucker. Say 'Tucker'."

"They can speak English, dumba-s." Grif whispered.

"Oh, okay. I am Lavernius. Tucker. But you can just call me Tucker." He nodded.

"I'm Michael J. Caboose and I hate babies!" Blurted out Caboose, and most of his classmates just stared at him as if he was insane.

Doc coughed and spoke up. "Eh... hello, guys... I'm Dufresne. Frank Dufresne."

"Hi, Dufresne Frank Dufresne." Snickered one of the classmates in the back, but was silenced when Sarge threatened to strangle him. The teacher reentered the room, all the color drained on her face every time she glanced at the Blood Gulch Spartans.

"The name is Dick Simmons!" Simmons bowed, who was probably the most formal of them all (besides Doc and perhaps Donut). "It is a pleasure to meet all of you."

"Huh? What?" Grif suddenly jerked awake. "Oh, yeah, Dexter Grif. Wake me up when class is over... ooooohhhhhh..."

"Franklin Delano Donut!" Announced Donut, jabbing his thumb in his sternum.

"Agent Washington- I mean, David Washington is the name!" Announced Agent Washington.

"Yoshino Caboos-" Yoshino said, but was interrupted by Tucker.

"YOU CHOSE HER LAST NAME AS 'CABOOSE?!'" He shrieked in disbelief. "How absurd can this get?"

"Can it." Kotori snapped. "Well, I am Kotori Simmons, it is nice to meet all of you!" She bowed.

"Uh... my name is Tohka. Dufresne. Or Sarah Dufresne. I prefer Tohka. And Sarah. Wait, maybe Tohka more. No, perhaps Sarah."

"Tara." Suddenly said one of the classmates. "It's Tohka combined with Sarah."

_Silence._

"Wouldn't it be _Tarah_?" Corrected Grif. "Does it fit-"

"That's what she said!" Tucker suddenly shouted before falling apart in uncontrollable laughter. "Ah ah haha ha... sorry about that."

"And _I _am Kurumi Tokisaki." Bowed Kurumi, who somehow appeared right next to Sarge unknowingly. He flew back and hit the wall while the teacher was making sure she wasn't seeing things; their birth dates were 500 years in the future, according to their online academic records. "I am a Spirit." Kotori, Agent Washington, Tohka/Sarah/Tara, and Yoshino were pretty much the only people in the group who stayed calm, because Sarge nearly vomited blood all over the floor, Simmons's eyes nearly broke from widening in surprise, and Donut outright fainted.

"Good morning, students and staff of Raizen Academy!" The intercom suddenly blared to life, shaking Sarge out of his trance. "As we all know, the SCHOOL ELECTION SPEECHES AND RESULTS ARE TODAY! All candidates have until lunch to sign up, and the speeches will take place directly after said school period! So WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Go deliver your slips NOW! May the odds be on your side- I mean, uh... may the odds ever be with you...? No, that wasn't it... oh well good luck see ya later!"_  
_

The intercom clicked off.

Sarge had an idea.

If he could be student council president, he could easily shape the school to make it literal _hell _for Grif! It was going to be his master plan! Not only that, he would be extremely popular, and as Tucker called them, surrounded by "b-tches"! "Alright! I will be your new teacher, Ms. Okamine- and...! Before I forget, who would like to show the new students around the school-"

"We're fine, ma'am." Agent Washington assured. "We'll learn everything about this school inside and out."

"Oh, I see! Well, then, who would like to show Miss Kurumi around?" Ms. Okamine smiled, trying to hide her massive suspicion of the Spartans in disguise. For some reason, if she didn't tell you her actual age, which was almost 30, you would think Ms. Okamine wasn't even 20 yet. _All _of the male students in the class (excluding Simmons, Caboose, and Agent Washington) were entranced by her almost childlike features, including her slightly wavy brown hair cut shoulder-length, large brown eyes, thin-yet-smaller-than-most-students body, and moderately big bazon[NSFW]gas.

Best of all, she had glasses.

But that one statement rang through all of the students' head like a bell.

"Who would like to show Miss Kurumi around?"

_Silence._

"I will." Sarge raised his hand. If he was going to be student council president, he needed to prove to everybody, his classmates, the teachers, even himself that he was somebody who was willing to take a position nobody else was willing to take, AND that he could do it like a pro. He was also doing it to ensure the safety of his team, but on the bright side, Kurumi was kind of attractive.

Okay, that was kind of an understatement. "Kind of" an understatement.

Kurumi was that one kind of person you would look at and wouldn't be sure to be bewildered or befreaking-awed. Like most Asian people, she had pale skin. Not too pale, not tan, just... pale. Her right red eye was _really _red, brick red like Sarge's armor to be precise. She was the same height as Sarge, who was the third tallest of the entire class, the second Tucker and the the first being Simmons. Her smile was just as mysterious as Mona Lisa's, and Sarge could tell that she was one of those excessively violent AND sexy spirits.

He was right!

"Oh, okay!" Ms. Okamine smiled even wider. "Thanks for offering! Just for that, you won't have any homework tonight."

The whole class groaned in disappointment and green envy as Sarge opened the door for Kurumi, then closed it behind them.

"Uh..." Sarge uh-ed, looking around nervously. Nobody was in the halls. "H-hello there... my name... is Sarge." He slowly and anxiously extended his left arm outwards in an attempt to shake hers. Kurumi grinned deviously and barely brushed his hand with hers, and Sarge nearly flew off his feet because of the electricity that was flowing through his arm and shocking him like a taser._  
_

But it turns out the electricity wasn't just love. It was Kotori activating his transceiver embedded in his ears. "Hey, Sarge." Kotori suddenly spoke. "Right now I am speaking to you using some brainwave translator that Simmons created. So I think... to speak. I'll be... your guide. So first things first! Can you see the three options on your HUD- I mean, HUD contact lens?"

Three choices popped up on the screen. Each choice said something different; the first said "The roof", the second said "The lunch area", and the final one was "The bathroom". "You're showing me through the school, aren't you? Where should we head first?" Asked Kurumi, tilting her head to the side a little bit for added mysteriousness.

"You both can head to the roof later when the sunset commences." Kotori spoke. "Let's head to the lunch area!"

"How about the lunch area?" Sarge suggested. "They have some awesome food there!"

"But it's your first day at this school." Kurumi said. "And it's not even lunch period yet. Have you already seen the menu?"

"Yeah, something like that." Nodded Sarge, walking down the hallway and allowing Kurumi to catch up from time to time, because as a Spartan-II, he had long strides, much longer than normal humans'. He passed the school's layout map of the first, second, third, and roof floors. All he had to do in order to memorize the entire layout was to glance at it for 3 seconds, thanks to his (ahem) _Spartan-II training. _"Okay, so.. the cafeteria- I mean lunch area is on... the third floor!" He took a right around the next corner and up the massive flight of stairs, passing all of the posters displaying Raizen Academy's upcoming events and campaign posters for the student council president, vice president, treasury, and all the others. "Here is the lunch area!" He announced, walking up to the menu and motioning at it. "As you can see, they have a large variety of Japanese food... and... only Japanese food. Hmm... I've never heard of any one of these foods!"

"I see." Kurumi whispered, who suddenly sounded a lot closer. When Sarge looked to his right, he saw that she was standing right next to him, their faces mere millimeters away from each other. She smiled evilly for perhaps the millionth time in her life, which only added to Sarge's suspicion about her.

"What the H-LL!" He shouted in surprise, leaping back 10 feet. "Oh, sorry... I was just surprised. Eh... why in sam hell were you so-"

"Sorry, I was just spacing out for a bit." She giggled and apologized AT THE SAME TIME! "It's hard to concentrate when I have such a handsome boy in front of me."

_Silence._

"Huhwhat?" Sarge sputtered in disbelief. "Me? HANDSOME? Ridiculous." He said, folding his arms and not sure how to react.

"Is this enough proof?" She walked up to one of the lockers, which was unlocked, and opened it to reveal that 4 girls were crammed inside, all snapping photos of Sarge and blushing madly when they realized what was happening to them. "I think you're very popular."

"S-Sarge-Sama!" All 4 cried, falling to the floor and kneeling before him the same way one would pray to Allah. They were all from his class. "We're so sorry please forgive us!"

"...what..." Kotori muttered. "Don't be overconfident! Kurumi Tokisaki is not as vulnerable and defenseless as you think she is!"

"Wow!" Putting his hands on his hips, Sarge laughed a little in disbelief. "Alright, you're forgiven as long as you get back to class and delete those photos."

_That was close._ He thought.

"Huh? 'What color are your panties?'" Kotori scoffed as she scrolled down all the results she collected. "Who in the world would say that to a girl in real life?"

All of a sudden, sh-t hit the fan. Sarge asked Kurumi, "...what color are your panties?"

"IDIOT! **BAKA, BAKA!**" Screamed Simmons's fiery-tempered imouto, who was lucky she had the technology to think out words in order to talk to Sarge. "You actually f-cking said it! Great job, you botched it! Just _l__ook_ at her emotion levels! They are... _steadily rising_?"

"Uh, uh!" Sarge gulped, backing away a few steps. "I didn't mean to say that! It just slipped out randomly, I'm sorry! I'm so... screwed."

Kurumi reached down to grab her skirt. "Would you like to see?"

Sarge slapped himself on the face and reprocess her words. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?" He said tremulously.

"I don't mind if it's you..." She led him under the staircase that led to the roof, the last place anybody would look when playing hide-and-seek. She slowly raised her skirt up, inch by inch. Foreseeing intense happiness slowly crawling its way to the top, Sarge looked around to make sure nobody was peeking, then clutched his fists and jumped up and down with an idiotic smile of joy written all over his face. The suspense was killing him, but Kurumi killed the suspense by just lifting her blue skirt all the way up.

Looking closer, Sarge finally knew the color of her panties; nothing.

Because SHE WASN'T WEARING ANY!

"I-Impossible!" Kotori cried, nearly screaming out loud in the middle of a documentary on the pre-WW2 events in Germany. "This shouldn't be happening right now, even for a multiple year relationship between normal couples, let alone people who just met! This is madness!"

"No!" Sarge shouted back, blood steadily flowing out of his nose. "THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAA-"

"Sarge?" Tucker's voice rang out in the hall. "Is that you? Why are you yelling all of a sudden?"

Tucker looked behind the staircase.

* * *

"Where is Tucker?" Grif asked, catching up with his friends who were going back "home" after a long day of schooling. "I never saw him after period one."

"He had to go to... mental therapy because he claimed he saw the new girl, Kurumi, showing Sarge what color her panties were, yet she was going commando." Church replied casually. "There is no way in heaven and hell that could happen in real life for two people of the opposite gender who just met to happen."

"You don't say." Kotori grumbled with eye bags under her eyes. "Speaking about Kurumi and Sarge... where are they?"

"I dunno!" Donut spoke up. "They have different classes than the rest of us, so I haven't seen them all day! Which is kind of weird, because Sarge always sticks with us. Maybe... he's with Kurumi! Maybe they're in a restaurant together! Or in the theater! Maybe if they're close enough... at the hotel!"

Everybody stopped and stared at Donut.

"Changing topic." Ordered Agent Washington, trying his best not to corrupt Yoshino's mind. "Why don't we all just take a break? We've been running away, fighting, running some more, and working our a-ses off ever since we arrived here. I'm sure Sarge would be very proud of you. I am. Church is. So why don't we just push all that aside and take a break at the beach? We're all done with our homework, aren't we?"

Everybody nodded.

Simmons, on the other hand, was not because he was working on projects and essays that were due weeks, months later because he hated procrastination.

"Yeah, but we're going to have to get some swim trunks and bathing suits first... and beach towels... and sunscreen... and sunglasses." Simmons pointed out. "Fortunately, the store behind us sells everything I just mentioned, but we don't have any money."

1 minute later...

"EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR! EVERYBODY ON THE GODD-MN FLOOR!" Church shouted as Tucker, who was in his armor entered the store and fired his M4A1 three times into the ceiling. Meanwhile, Church the AI was disabling all of the security systems and disabling all cell phone service in the area so nobody could call for 911. "Good! Now, I want this to be fast, okay guys? So grab everything we need, and nothing else! You hear me?" Tucker walked over to a mannequin in the lingerie section of the store and observed it. For some reason, it wasn't wearing anything.

"Hey, why doesn't this mannequin have any clothing?" Tucker asked the cashier, who was currently asking the armed intruders if they needed money and tossing out money from her cash register.

"Uh, uh... a girl bought it a few hours ago!" She answered, tossing out more cash for the Spartan-IIs.

"Free money! Yay!" Caboose dropped his AK-M (not AK-47) and scrambled around the floor, picking up all of the Yen.

"No, we don't want money." Agent Washington said slowly in order to make sure the panicking cashier could understand. "All we want are some bathing suits, sunscreen, swimming trunks, and other beach supplies. That is all we ask of."

"Wait, a girl bought it a few hours ago?" Tucker suddenly thought of Kurumi. "Would you please describe to me what the girl looked like?"

"Well," The cashier started to hastily shove money back inside the cashier, "if I remember, she was the last customer I saw. Her name was... I forgot, but she had a Raizen Academy school uniform, back hair, pigtails, two red hair ribbons, and a red right eye as well as an eerily ghostly complexion."

"Was she with anybody else?" Agent Washington asked.

"Yes!" The cashier nodded, hoping that she wouldn't have any more guns pointed at her by Grif, Simmons, and Donut. "She was with a male around her age, and he was wearing a red shirt!"

_Silence._

"What." Said Tucker and Grif in simultaneous shock.

"W-Well, it could be coincidence! They could be different people!" Doc chuckled nervously, trying to prevent Tucker and Grif from shooting the cashier in anger. "They could be telemarketers! They could be... oh dear, this isn't going to end well, is it?"

"Yes!" Omega shouted valiantly. "This _isn't _going to end well! I want Tucker and Grif to shoot her brains out so they paint the wall pink instead of that unholiness of beige! TUCKER AND GRIF! Unleash your anger, funnel and vent it through your index fingers twitching on the triggers! Spill the blood of the woman who has angered you! Yes! Let the rage SWALLOW YOU WHOLE! Mwa ha ha ha!"

"Well now at least we know where they went." Church said on the bright side.

"At least we know Sarge has a relationship with literally the hottest spirit!" Cried Tucker. "I don't mean Tohka and Kotori are inferior, they're pretty as well, but still...! How can some militaristic, bloodthirsty maniac like Sarge manage to have some other bloodthirsty maniac fall for him? Why not Grif and the great Tucker? WHY? And most importantly, why Caboose-"

"**NAAAAANTS INORGAYAAAAMA BAGITHIIII BABAAAAA!**" Suddenly screamed Caboose at the very tippy top of his lungs, grabbing Yoshino and holding her up the same way Rafiki held Simba up.

"See what I mean?" Whined Grif. Meanwhile, everybody who had watched _The Lion King _(Tucker, Church, Simmons, Donut, Doc, and even Agent Washington) were laughing their faces off until they couldn't breathe anymore. They weren't making fun of Caboose; rather they were praising him for a surprisingly accurate replication from the famous movie scene. "Why don't _we _get a turn? Do we even _get _a turn in trying to save the world? THIS IS BULLSH-T! Come on, Tucker, I'm going to find Sarge and that Kurumi chick." He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked off, taking out a cigarette and a lighter, flipping it open and lighting the cigarette before he took a breath out of it and blew it out his nostrils. Tucker ran up to him after he ran inside a store and bought some mags to cheer Grif up.

"Cheer up, Grif!" Tucker tried to raise his friend's morale. "Maybe there will be... well, there are still more spirits. I'm sure of it. Maybe there's another spirit, one with the hair of a blazing fire and a spirit that is... also like a blazing fire! Except Kotori is the spirit of blazing fire. Maybe there is one with a disposition painted the colors of the wind! Yes, that is the spirit! I'm positive, Grif, we _will _lose our virginity BY THE TIME WE GET BACK... TO THE FUTURE!"

They suddenly found themselves in the middle of nowhere, the only sign of civilization the road and the nearby beach as the sun lit everything a ghastly lurid glow, making it more of an eerie sunset than an epic sunset.

"Yeah, maybe." Grif mumbled. All of a sudden, the clouds rushed in and sh-t hit the fan as the bad weather returned. Lightning struck the water and fried a couple trees to oblivion while the gray sky closed in, which wasn't a good sign. And then it started to rain. "F-ck you, rain." Muttered Grif before a bolt of lightning landed right in front of them. "OH SH-T! That was too close, right, Tucker? Tucker?" He looked around and found Tucker standing at the edge of the road, tears forming in his eyes as he looked to the sky in awe. "Oh thank god! Tucker, did you see what happenedwhoooooaaaaaa." He looked where Tucker was looking and saw...

"So far, we've had 25 wins each... AND 49 draws!" Shouted the first spirit, who was floating in the air. She wore a pink dress that covered her parts with a couple of straps, exposed more than Grif's and Tucker's max satisfaction, and had a dark purple waist coat. Not only that, she had long, _orange hair with spiral locks going down the side of her face_ (although the rest of her hair was surprisingly blue eyes. She was an aryan, a curvy and super smoking hot one. For some reason, she had a metal cuff around her neck and left arm, with a chain connecting the two.

And so was the other spirit. She looked identical to the first spirit, except her eyes were half closed, her dress was blue, and her cape was up at her neck. She also had the same hairstyle and orange hair, except it was braided, which only hinted her dominance of maturity over the first spirit. "Correction. 48 draws." Said the second spirit, this time in a more monotone, robotic voice.

She also had the cuff around her right arm and neck.

THEY WERE MASOCHIST SPIRITS!

"We've matched each other in every single possible way!" Shouted the first spirit, obviously pissed but still had her confident smile. "Boxing matches! _Counter Strike 1.6 _matches! Beer pong matches! Even breast size matches, which you obviously won! But this is the tiebreaker! The spirit who prevails in this final 100th match.. will become the TRUE YAMAI SPIRIT! The other one dies, so may the odds ever be with you!"

"What's the opposite of jinx?" Grif muttered in disbelief.

"Uh... blessing?" Tucker suggested, doing a massive fistpump. "YES! Grif, if we lose our virginity to these beauties, I'll call you 'The great and holy one' from now on, and I shall bow down to you in your presence for blessing us! But... we cannot screw up!"

"Uh huh..." Grif stared at the second spirit, the one who had her eyes half closed.

"Suggestion." Said said spirit. "The first spirit to seduce a man will be the victor." She suggested, looking at Grif and Tucker in interest.

Tucker and Grif high fived each other.

A few hours earlier...

Sarge pulled a Yuri by being the first Spartan-II in the history of the United Nations Space Corporation to be flashed by a female Spirit. The whole time during period 1, which was science, all he did was listen to the teacher, have his eyes drift to Kurumi, only to snap back to reality and continue listening to the teacher's lecture on their steam engine project before he got distracted by Kurumi... again. He didn't need to listen in since Sarge was a professional mechanical engineer, so when he realized that, he stared at Kurumi... for the whole class.

Period 2 passed, and it was physical education. The same thing happened, which is also how he spent the rest of PE in the nurse's room with a piece of toilet paper up his nose because he accidentally ran into a pole when staring at _her _during the warm-up laps. Before he knew it, it was math time. With calculus thrown in. Again, he already knew everything in the textbooks the teacher was passing out, because, well, he was from the 26th century. By that time, humanity had already discovered the true size and shape of the universe, how to bend space in order to travel instantly across every distance, negative mass, how to create and destroy matter (when you burn a book, you don't destroy its matter; you just change its matter to ash, smoke and other crap), and other things that would make steam engines seem like dinosaur-age machinery.

Before he knew it, it was period three. Unfortunately, he didn't have the same classes with his fellow Spartan-IIs and the spirits, so the only person he really knew was Kurumi Tokisaki, who claimed she was a spirit.

And period four.

And then lunchtime, the fifth period.

"Sit up straight!" Sarge ordered to Grif, who immediately corrected his posture. "Well, Donut, you look abnormally depressed. Is there a problem?"

"Yeah!" Donut whimpered.

"Bullies?" Grif groaned in annoyance. "Listen, dude, if they seriously are your problem, we'll beat the living sh-t out of them so it makes hell seem like heaven for them."

"No, it's not bullies." Said Donut. "High school was what pretty much what made me regret being born. Because, well, the high school we were attending wasn't exactly the normal, typical high school. Remember, we were Spartan-IIs, trained to survive the worst hell that would come to face us. So they gave us hell! I'm still haunted by the UNSC High School, so... that's why I don't really enjoy being here."

"At least we got kicked out, 'cause we were too reckless." Grif pointed out. "Then again, being reckless is what makes us succeed."

"Sarge-San!" Tohka shouted, sitting down on the Blood Gulch Spartans' lunch table after she put down her food tray. "Tucker, who is currently recovering from a heart attack and seizure, has texted me from the local mental rehabilitation center! He told me that that Kurumi girl... flashed you! Is that right?"

"Wait, why do you have Tucker's messaging address on your phone?" Doc asked cautiously.

"She is commiting adultery on you!" O'Malley declared in Doc's mind. "Mwa ha ha!"

Sarge nodded slowly in response to Tohka's question. "Yes, she gave me the best 10 seconds of my life. Why is Tucker in rehab?"

"So it really did happen?" Tohka blushed madly and frowned. "What kind of relationship are you two in?"

"We just met, god Jesus!" Sarge shouted in embarrassment. "We don't have any sort of relationship... yet."

_Silence._

"Sarge is in a relationship Tucker and Grif wish they had...?" Caboose suggested.

"Stop butting in our discussions, you eavesdropper!" Tohka snarled menacingly.

_Silence._

"Uh... what should we talk about now?" Asked Agent Washington.

"Girls, what else?" Grif muffled between chews of the sushi-fish-salad-tomato-noodle-seaweed sandwich sub he was eating. "What kind of girls do you find interest in-"

"Before any of you guys say anything," Simmons announced, standing up at the table, "before you say _'a hot girl with big boobies', _I would like all of you to take something into consideration. What if this hot girl is a gold digger? Your career is ruined. What if this hot girl is actually a murderer and kills you in your sleep, or worse, frames you for all of her murders? So I want all of you to _think carefully, _and remember, it's the inside that counts. Kotori is beautiful _and _well-mannered. Her language is a little bit... dirty, but she is a perfect example."

_Silence._

"A pretty girl with big boobies." Grif shrugged, finishing his sandwich-sub.

"Oh my f-cking god." Sighed Simmons, resting his face in his hands. "Did you even listen to what I just said?"

"You didn't say a pretty girl with big boobies, now did you?" He shot back after he drank his lemonade with a few hearty glugs. "No! You said a hot girl with big boobies. What I just said must be A-OK by your friggin' standards."

"That's pretty much the same thing I said, dumba-s!"

"Ladies, ladies, calm your tits." Kotori pleaded. "Please. There are children here." She pointed to Caboose and Yoshino, who were soaking in all of the new language like a super-absorbent towel dropped into a pool.

"Okay, well, that's kind of obvious." Said Simmons, calming down a little bit. "How about we be a bit more... descriptive?"

"Fine then." Grif crossed his arms defiantly. "You want descriptive? I'll give you descriptive! An Asian girl with REAL orange hair, REAL blue eyes, REAL massive or moderate bazongas, LEGITIMATE beauty as in no plastic surgery, and the PERFECT body. A girl with the disposition of the raging wind. A girl that is _really _worth fighting for, one all the Han soldiers in _Mulan _should be talking about."_  
_

"First of all," Simmons tried to debunk his dream girl with the laws of genetics, "so far in my life, from all the years I've served with all of you, from all of our involvments at conflicts fought in Asia, I have yet to see one living, breathing, and REAL LIFE NOT ANIME Asian girl who is naturally beautiful, has NATURAL orange hair, is NATURALLY fit, and has f-cking godd-mn NATURAL blue eyes, and don't get me started on NATURALLY large tits. So by the laws of genetics and physics, your dream girl is extremely improbable."

"Well, I don't have to deal with that already." Doc said, nudging Tohka. "I have Sarah! Or Tara. Or... Tohka. Or Tome."

"Frank-San, how do I say this nicely?" Tohka wondered, looking up for a while. "Oh, yeah! STOP CALLING ME TOME! I HATE _THAT F-CKING NAME!"_

"Wait, what? This makes no sense." Agent Washington interrupted. "As part of our genetic augmentations, we Spartan-IIs and Freelancers have highly reduced sex drives."

_Silence._

"That only applies to Freelancers." Simmons said, breaking the silence.

"Anyways, I also like girls who believe that 'nice guys finish last'." Grif added.

Simmons leapt up and slammed his hands on the table, taking on a heroic pose and pointing at Grif. "OBJECTION! Grif, you appear to have forgotten about the widely-known Spartan-II... SPARTAN-007 SPORK."

All of the Blood Gulch Spartans, except for Agent Washington, gasped.

"You mean... Spartan-007 _Spork?" _Donut asked for clarification.

"Why are you saying his name like he's a _god_?" Grif sputtered. "Donut, how could you? Spork is a gentleman, okay? That's going to be good for now but bad in the long run. Gold diggers will take advantage of him, most girls do not like anime otakus and gun otakus (Spork is both), he is fat, he is lazy, and he is a frickin' show off when it comes to his intelligence and creativity! Do not get me started on his skills with the Spartan Laser!"

"OBJECTION!" Donut leapt up and pointed at Donut like Phoenix Wright. "Nice guys finish last in the long run, but in the long _long _run, they win no matter what."

"Longception, b-tch!" Church added in order to add a little bit of hilarity in the conversation.

"What I'm saying is it's the girls' loss! If they don't like Spork and instead go out with those filthy, horribly-mannered unhygenic smelly and improper guys, they're missing out on a potentially great life with a proven great husband... SPORK!" Donut shouted in defense of a praised and equally hated Spartan-II all of the Spartan-IIs, Spartan-IIIs, and Spartan-IVs knew. "Spork likes Asian girls, and most of them don't mind having a boyfriend who's obsessed with Japanese anime! His large arsenal of guns only ensures their safety! He may be lazy, but he is not fat! He is the smartest gentleman I know, and he is wicked awesome with the Spartan Laser!"

"Hah! So you admit he _is _lazy!" Grif guffawed in victory.

"Hah! So you _finally _admit he _is _beast with the Spartan Laser!" Donut shot back, smirking.

"It won't matter anyways because of his lowered SEX DRIVE!" Yelled Grif, standing on the table.

"He told me that the drugs meant to have that effect didn't work... because HE KEPT STARING AT SPARTAN-009 STRATOS WHENEVER HE SAW HER!" Screamed Donut, towering over the inferior-in-height Grif.

"Uh, guys, the whole lunch room is looking at us." Agent Washington warned. Donut and Grif looked around in embarrassment, apologized to each other, then sat back down.

_More silence._

"Sarge, you are destined to be with Kurumi!" Donut shouted suddenly over the lunchroom din.

"That's... sudden." He responded.

"If she really showed you her parts, then she must like you a lot!"

"Objection!" Kotori disagreed, frowning and driving her fork into the table, stabbing it and nearly missing Agent Washington's fingers. "Kurumi Tokisaki is a spirit. Not just any spirit, the only spirit who has killed way over 9,000 people, not including spacequake casualties!"

_Silence._

"She may be manipulating you! You are falling into her trap! She will not be easy to seal, Sarge-San. Mark my words."

"What about your dating-sim poll choice thingamajig you were talking about earlier?" Caboose interrupted.

"It was destroyed in the EMP blast created from Yoshino's spirit powers being sealed! From now on, you're all on your own." Kotori announced with grave despair in her voice.

_Silence._

"Heyyyyy..." Kurumi walked up to their lunch table, holding her bag of books in front of her schoolgirl style, scaring the sh-t out of everybody except for Caboose and Yoshino, but Yoshinon yelled a bad word. Very loud. "Sarge-Saaaannn, what are you doing?" She asked in a way that made everybody except for all females, Doc, Simmons, and Agent Washington totally jealous.

"Eating." He responded casually while she hugged him from behind and looked over his shoulder. "Hey, are you busy later today after school?"

"Are you asking me out?" Kurumi instantaneously read Kotori's and Sarge's mind.

"I'm telling ya, she's one creepy f-ck." Church muttered under his breath.

"H-how did you know?" Sarge asked, truly scared.

"Of course I'm free later today. I'll see you around at the gates when school is over.

Byeeeee..."

She walked off.

P-P-P-PRESENT TIME!

"OOoooooh, that's what happened!" Donut remembered. "Still I wonder where they are."

"Let's just get going to the d-mn beach already." Church complained.

* * *

"Hiiii..." Kurumi greeted Sarge in her polite yet mysterious manner. "So how was school today?"

"Pretty good, it was actually... pretty interesting." Sarge shrugged. "I finished all my homework, aaannd... any time now..." He checked his watch as the intercom clicked on.

"A random announcement;" The intercom clicked to life. "The results are in! The new Raizen Academy School Associative Student Body President AND winner of the Raizen Academy Student Council Campaign is... Sarge McSarge! Congratulations to our new president, and have a great day!"

Some pissed students groaned, then gave Sarge an evil stare that only meant death threats along with immense popularity.

"Wow, you're the student council president?" Kurumi giggled, tilting her head to the side a little bit. "You worked immensely hard to accomplish such a feat, since this is only your first day here! Just for that, I'll let you decide where we should head off to first."

"Uh... anywhere?"

"Anywhere in the city."

"Lingerie store." Sarge punched himself in the face. "D-mmit, I can't believe things just keep slipping out of my head! Sorry, if you don't want to go, I understand. How about we head to-"

"I would _love _to go to the lingerie store."

Later...

"Sarge-San, there are so many..." She smiled in awe at the blazing, flashing rainbow of all the various bras and panties on display, as well as a few spots of tan for the mannequins. "I'll let you pick; which one fits me better?" Kurumi held up a green and blue lingerie set. Next to her was a mannequin donning something Sarge was much, much more interested in.

"Uh... I was thinking about that one." Sarge sputtered out, pointing at the mannequin wearing his favorite set of lingerie he would love to see on Kurumi. Before all of this had happened, he looked back on the countless times he has injured Grif and nearly killed him, all of which were his life's highlights. Back then, he was happy. He was a Sergeant, was in the military, had good pay, and was set for life doing one thing he loved to do; shoot Grif in the back with his shotgun as punishment. But now... he was in a level of happiness he never knew he was possible of reaching. Never before in his life had he expected any attractive female to find interest in him, let alone ask him which pair of sexy undergarments fit her better. Truly, he had reached enlightenment. Smiling as if she gave zero f-cks about the jealous otakus staring through the store windows at Kurumi, she walked into the changing room with Sarge's chosen lingerie set. 10 seconds later...

...she walked out wearing nothing but a black laced bra and black laced garterbelt. Blood flew everywhere, splashing off the floors and staining the walls as well as the ceiling as Sarge had the nosebleed that could pierce the heavens more than the Giga Drill Breaker. "Eeeehhheeehhh!" He groaned, falling to the floor and trying his best to fight back the overwhelming feel of activation that flew through his body, reawakening his hormones that have been rendered dormant by the Spartan-II training and drugs. They broke free and bounced off the walls like there was no today, finally free after a long wait for the great reawakening.

Kurumi walked back inside the changing room and changed back into her Raizen Academy school uniform, walking out and buying the lingerie set as Sarge fell to the floor, passing out from blood loss.

* * *

**Note: Origami will not be paired with Church. A hologram cannot kiss a living girl.**

**Who the heck is Natsumi? Some other spirit? Haven't heard of her yet, so she won't be here.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Yay, first update in forever. Sorry for the wait.**

**I wasn't updating because I got no reviews _JUST KIDDING!_ I just lost the will to write this.  
****Temporarily.**

**I am _incredibly _sorry for keeping you guys and gals on end for nearly a month now. I'll definitely try to prevent this from happening.**

**I just discovered that the name _Sarah _means _Princess, _translated from Hebrew.**

**And the AST/DEM call Tohka P_rincess._**

**I decided that a good alternate name for Tohka would be Sarah before I knew that a Hebrew translation for it even _existed._**

**Back to the story! When this is finished, I'll start my new one. That might take quite a while, since my school has already started.**

* * *

500 years into the future, _UNSC Ursa Major _(0427 hours)

Far out in the vast depths of space floated a Jupiter-sized super space destroyer, alone in the void as it drifted through the cold-on-one-side yet hot-on-the-other blankness, 30 light years away from the nearest human colony. Nearly 60% of the _Ursa Major _consisted of Magnetic Accelerator Cannons, armor and energy shielding, oceans of missile launchers ranging from miniature DeathRain heat-seeking missiles to a full-blown continent-destroying radar-guided munition prototype system, and finally, propulsion systems. Little did anybody else know that all of its armaments were actually plastic models; its real purpose was just to give all the enemies the slightest impression that they were f***ed up the Wells Fargo Wagon on a one-way trip to hell.

_Ursa Major _was created with the help of the remaining Forerunner engineer constructs still dwelling on the remains of Installation 0 (which was only a Mexico-sized floating slab of metal), and thanks to the plenty of Covenant, UNSC, and Forerunner space crap floating everywhere in previous space battlefields, there was enough material to build a spacecraft _around _Installation 01, which resulted in a planet-size replica based off of a triangular-circular 21st century stealth bomber. With a hole smack-dab in the center. The only _real _weapon the _Ursa Major _had was Installation 01 itself; it could have its omnicide function (think supernova cannon) activated in the ship's weapon center, where the controls for the plasma-hardlight-electrical shielding systems were also located.

"Sir, we're... uh... receiving approximately 103,497,285 distress calls from all of the outer and inner colonies. They claim they are under attack by some... you might want to have a look at this." Today was the 90th time _in a row _that the bridge's main captain was called to the bridge's radar station. The bridge's _bloody radar station. _"This is pretty important." Grumbling and impatiently speedwalking into the room, pushing a coat hanger out of his way, and smashed the radar station's door open. All eyes in the room turned to him, and the main radar on the wall opposite of him was displaying one giant blip half the size of the _Ursa Major. _"It's not a swarm of enemy aircraft."

"Well, what the h**l is it!" Impatiently shouted the captain. "If this is another one of those resupply ships, then I'm-"

"No, sir." The head radar station commander shook his head solemnly. "It's the _Ursa Minor. _All attempts to communicate with it have failed. Should we go on the defensive just in case of hijacking?" Without any warning, all of the lights in the room flickered and quit on them, shortly after all of the computers died down. The main radar flickered to reveal a live video stream... FROM THE _URSA MINOR... _displaying a room with Lord Hood tied up in a chair with padlocks and barbed wire. Two guards in mecha armor blocked the door, holding laser rifles. Screams, gunfire, explosions, and alarms blared off in the distance as a mysterious person with a Spartan-II helmet walked in front of the camera, next to Lord Hood.

"Attention, all personnel aboard the United Nations Space Command solar super destroyer _Ursa Major._" He spoke. "By the way, this is being broadcast to all of your other... colonies as well as Earth. I will not repeat this again, so please listen carefully. As the precious time ticks on by, our forces are currently approaching your craft for boarding. Do not even bother threatening us with your weapons; all of them are merely plastic models, and I happen to know thanks to some of your lead scientists that your so-called 'omnicide ray' is still in its infancy stage, not even functional yet. Just lay down your weapons and wait patiently for the calvary to arrive, and we won't kill you. And your families. And your 'most valuable soldiers that have ever existed'. Do anything stupid, and we'll kill Lord Hood and all of the crew."

The live feed clicked off.

_Silence._

"What should we do, sir?" Asked one of the privates observing the radar readings.

"Lord Hood is the only one in possession of the ship's antimatter munition launch codes." The captain spoke firmly, no hesitation but instead pure determination in his voice. "They don't really want to kill him, they just want to force us into submission. So what should we do, you may ask?"

* * *

"How will we respond to this? How? Just HOW? Should we consider surrender?" In the meeting/strategy/planning room, right in the center was a holographic table displaying the two ships: _Ursa Major _and the smaller, way more agile moon-sized _Ursa Minor. _To anybody, it may have looked like a severe disadvantage for the _Ursa Minor. _But in reality, the disadvantage belonged to _Ursa Major _for a wide collection of reasons. Firstly, the _Ursa Major _was fairly new in terms of service life, and as a result, didn't have that many food, medical supplies, weapons, ammo, and defensive aircraft ready. _Ursa Minor _had enough of said supplies to fend off a continuous wave of overwhelming Covenant forces for 36 years nonstop. Secondly, the _Ursa Major _was composed of 90% Covenant engineering, 6% human engineering, and 4% Forerunner engineering. All of these obliviously incompatible systems malfunctioned frequently, which rendered its defensive capabilities obsolete. And the _Ursa Minor _was specifically designed with maximum efficiency and deadliness to destroy Covenant spacecraft. So it was basically a lightsaber through a Jupiter-sized stick of butter that couldn't miss.

What did the _Ursa Major _have for "defense"? Three UNSC Frigates, _MN-Totoro, Emerald Tower, _and the _Mad Hatter,_ outfitted with a bunch of weaponry and redesigned for defensive purposes. Three UNSC Defensive Frigates out of a total loadout of 500. Most of the weaponry were obsolete 21st-23rd century firearms due to the fact that the _Ursa Major _was recently a museum of war before it entered active service.

"Surrender?" Barked the captain incredulously. "I cannot even _conceive _with a single neuron how you got those g****mn stars on your shoulders! We're going to attack them. I discussed it and talked it over with the head strategists. As I speak, we are now preparing the three Defensive Frigates for infiltration. Think of it as the movie _Saving Private Ryan. _They're going to, I don't know... toe smash the answer out of him or something else drastic like that. It's going to be reenacted in every single way possible; an all out assault with the three Defensive Frigates as the troop deployment boats, except there will be no casualties. It seems reckless and utterly stupid, but I may ask you, do you have _any _better ideas?"

_Silence._

"That's what I thought." He nodded. "It's decided then. Alert all armed personnel. Prepare for assault."

* * *

A few minutes later...

The whole crew of the _Ursa Major _was freaking out. This was single handedly about to be the most riveting, the story worth most sharing in their entire lives. A full-blown suicidal yet recklessly successfull infiltration on a floating fortress of doom. The Defensive Frigates were armed to the tooth canals with 50mm repeater cannons, 1m autocannons, 10m shipbusters, 100m ship-gutters, and a large variety of missiles meant to destroy everything from light armored vehicles to entire cities._  
_

Somewhere in the third Defensive Frigate's main armory center, a conversation was unfolding between three Spartan-IIIs.

"Sneakin' around the corner... HHHHUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!" Falling 30 meters and smashing on the cold, hard ground was Zain, an 8-foot tall heavy weapons specialist and one of the only African Spartans besides Tucker, who was often the subject of many arguments over whether or not he was African or Indian. A loud SLAM pervaded and clawed its way through the entire room, directing all attention on him as he realized that it was the fiftieth time he had tried to get the UNSC's anti-infantry Holy Grail, also known as the .338 Lapua Magnum M777 Medium Machine Gun that was based off of the .308 M739 LMG.

"Zain, just get one o' them 21st century rifles in th' corner o'er there." Sighed Wayne in annoyance, who was Zain's best friend, squadmate, and squad engineer (the team's 'brains'). He had chosen a Beretta RX4 STORM rifle as well as a Covenant Plasma Pistol for EMP-ing the crap out of enemy electronic devices. His armor could efficiently store 100 pounds of tools in the most compact way possible, which allowed him to move around easier. "Plus, that one's just a trainin' model. It doesn't even have a bolt, firing pin, and functioning barrel.

"You could've told me that earlier!" He snapped, jumping to his feet.

"I was busy removin' a clod of congealed snot lodged in the barrel." Wayne said quickly as an excuse. "Say, have any of y'all seen Elaine around? She's been missing for days, now."

"What do you mean, y'all?" Zain scoffed. "You literally just said that to me, nobody else."

"Hey guys, I'm back!" Out of nowhere, a Spartan-III in lime green, safety orange and "hot" pink armor ran up and joined the conversation. It was ELAINE, one of the youngest Spartans ever (17 years old), the squad's queen of close combat, and finally, the team's beauty according to Zain and Wayne. The fourth member, Cain, was actually a Sangheili Spartan-III (former Spartan-II) who was found abandoned as a newborn and raised by the UNSC, the squad's pilot and long-range support specialist and self-proclaimed team's 'ugly (according to humans)', and was currently not present because he was the _MN-Totoro's _main pilot.

* * *

**For some reason, I have all of my female OCs less than 30 years old and similar in terms of behavior. It's kind of cliche.**

* * *

So the squad had Zain, the leader and heavy weapons, Wayne the engie, Elaine the queen of CQC, and Cain the 'ugly (according to humans)'.

"What else are these peeps threatening to do?" Zain asked, looking up at the M777 in distress and sighing out loud.

"I dunno, but it's got to be something f***ed up." Concluded Wayne. "Maybe they're going to, I don't know, go back in time and kill some president or important person to screw up present events. Or perhaps they're going to transmit all of the colonies' coordinates to the Covenant."

"Well, whatever they're going to do, don't jinx it." Snapped Elaine. "Hey, Zain, I got you a gun." She tossed a .50 caliber FN MAG into his hands, collapsing under the sudden weight pulling on his hands.

"Even worse, they might... hunt and destroy the REDS AND BLUES!" Wayne gasped, leaping up from his "seat" and looking around quickly. "Where's Cain?! We have to tell him to commence the attack immediately before they're killed!"

500 years in the past (yet somehow, everything was happening at the present while being at the past at the same time)

It was the early, cloudy morning. That one kind of morning where it was foggy, early in the morning, brisky winds, and in general crappy weather where the clouds were a deep shade of blue. Even worse, it was morning... on a Saturday. Through unknown reasons, Agent Washington had somehow managed to buy an aesthetic million-dollar home by the beach atop a cliff, facing west. Sarge hadn't returned yet, nor had Grif and Tucker. Which wasn't typically good news, because they had just lost their main leader, expert driver, and master swordsman.

Agent Washington was the first up at 0530 hours, which was actually kind of late for him. The very first thing he did was grab a pot and a frying pan, walk up to Donut's room, and smash said objects together, then repeat for the other Spartans'/Spirits' rooms. By 0532, the house was full of the same, repetitive and incessant metallic din of stainless steel slamming on each other forcefully. Everybody was up and fully awake by 0533, easily messing up all of their internal schedules. Next, he had each and every one of them do 10 push ups, 10 with both hands, 10 with the left arm, 10 with the other, then 5 sit-ups, then 7 pull-ups on their rooms' door frames.

_Now _they could go shower or do whatever they did before breakfast.

"Does he normally do that every morning?" Tohka asked randomly as she was waiting for Kotori for finish showering while Doc happened to walk by.

"What? Oh, uh, he normally has us do more." He nodded while he began to brush his teeth. "Yeah, and then before breakfast, he had us run around the _Infinity's _hangar 3 times. So it's pretty normal for us, but Grif is still getting used to it."

"Has anybody seen Sarge around lately?" Donut whined. "Or Tucker, or Grif?"

"Donut, they have been missing since yesterday." Agent Washington reiterated for the third time in the morning. "They could be anywhere, and until we find them, I cannot tell you where exactly they have been, and that means no. We have not seen them around lately."

All of a sudden, Agent Washington's transciever flipped to life after it stopped functioning ever since he got shot in the foot by Tucker.

"Attention, all UNSC personnel listening to this emergency transmission, or any other human on any colony if they're picking this up!" Shouted Cain, the main UNSC Sangheili Defensive Frigate pilot, who was 500 years in the future. "As of this moment, I am declaring a state of emergency AND a state of martial law on all human colonies, planets, and major spacecraft. We are currently under invasion by an unknown human force that claim to be from the 21st century! TIER 2! TIER 2 TECHNOLOGY! Prepare for relocation to the nearest UNSC stronghold in the next few minutes or so!"

And then it died.

"What's martial law?" Caboose asked from his room just as he finished changing. "Is it law enforced by martial arts? Like the law of kung fu?"

"No, Caboose." Agent Washington shook his head. "Martial law is when the military temporarily declares... uh... it's basically when they are in control instead of the government, to be concise and precise. And this is the third time in my life the UNSC has declared martial law, so typically something not very great is commencing right now. UNSC _MN-Totoro, _this is Agent Washington of the UNSC, formerly Project Freelancer. Would you please elaborate on what kind of 'human forces'?"

"For all we know, their infantry appear to be armed with laser-based weaponry and mecha suits." Cain responded. "Hey, we never really got your exact location. Send us your coordinates and just wait for exfil- oh, wait, yeah that's right, you're stuck in 2014 AD Japan. Well, just sit tight and keep your hopes up! We're goin' to find a way back there soon."

_Silence._

"Did he literally just say _mecha suits?_" Donut shuddered. "Oh, NO! Doesn't that mean-"

"Yes." Simmons sadly nodded _yes._ "Deus Ex Machina Industries has gone into the future. And they are currently fighting a battle that the UNSC will probably lose, because, well, DEM has g*dd**n laser weaponry, advanced fighting tactics, and an unstoppable fighting force. So basically, we're all alone now. No support, no place to call home, and... it's just us for now."  


"But we're fighting against an entire army, how the heck will we win this one?" Cried Donut, about to go full pessimistic, something he seldom did.

"We might be facing an army, but that army will be facing _the gods._" Simmons declared heroically, taking on a pose.

_Silence._

"You really need to stop ripping quotes from _World War Z._" Doc said.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Grumbled Simmons.

A day earlier...

"That's the fifth time they've added mayo to the spread. Excuse me." Sarge stood up from his table, walked outside into an alley, and reentered with his armor on and pistol, which he kept concealed behind his back so nobody could see. What he did do was attract a _lot _of unwanted attention, causing some to believe that he was a cosplayer or just another law enforcement officer with some new advanced prototype armor. It was also the last thing he wanted to do on a date with Kurumi, which pretty much botched the entire thing and would have a negative effect on his records IF the UNSC was monitoring him. He walked up to the restaurant's front counter and slammed his hands down on it, attracting the attention of the cashier.

"I-Is there anything I may help you with, sir?" He asked nervously, involuntarily shaking for a second.

"How about a tasty lead sandwich with a side of Sarge!" Said person yelled, spinning his pistol around cowboy style and capping a .50 AE bullet in between his eyes. The cashier's headless corpse stumbled back a few steps before it slumped against a burning oven, screams erupting and alarms going off mere seconds later. "Hold the life... and the mayo." Turning around and letting the pink-gray-red slushy matter splattered all over the wall behind him slowly slide down, he holstered his pistol and made sure nobody saw him as he ducked in the alley and changed back into his casual disguise, walking back into the store as frightened customers ran around screaming, curled up on the floor under the tables and screamed, or just took a video of the whole thing.

Sarge and Kurumi exited the restaurant just as the police arrived, barging in with guns raised and shouting orders. As a Spartan-II, nobody could positive identify him since he would always change back into his disguise and waltz off as if nothing happened. This way, he could get away with a bunch of things and not be caught, yet if the UNSC happened to be monitoring him whilst his armor was activated, he would be most likely screwed and accused of whatever he did, even if it happened 500 years in the past. That is, if he would ever get back. _If _either he could get back, or if the UNSC could rescue him, then he would also probably be charged for pedophilia.

But now they had a bigger problem. Sarge had ditched his team even them he _specifically _told them what he was going to do by sending them numerous texts with the phones they "bought" from the store when rush-buying school supplies. So he pretty much had no idea where they were, and it was nearing the end of the day. Even worse, they kept sending him messages wondering where the heck he was. Pulling an all-nighter by just resuming the date through the city was extremely risky since they didn't know if any crime was present in the night, so in the end they just decided to call it a day... and go rent a room in a hotel.

"Hello, I'd like to rent a room for a fortnight." Sarge requested the hotel's main desk. It was for more of a high-class population, since it had electronic toilets, massive rooms, food delivered to your room, and other stuff like that.

"A... a fortnight?" The room register stuttered. "What would a young man like you be doing in a hotel room for 14 days?"

"No, a _fort_night." Sarge repeated. "A fort in the night. I want a fort room so we'll be extra safe."

"_We?_" The room register asked. "I don't see anybody else with you-"

"Yes, just one night would be good enough, please." Kurumi nodded.

"What? One night? How old are you?" The room register demanded.

"16." Said Sarge.

"Aaaand you?"

"16." Kurumi answered.

"I'm sorry, but minors under 21 cannot rent rooms." The room register said sadly. "Unfortunately, there are no hotels with said exception. Unless you had your parents, we cannot let you rent a room without adult supervision."

"Oh? Why would we need this _adult supervision_?" Questioned Kurumi, leaning in intimidatingly and evilly.

"B-B-Because we're afraid t-that you might be... uh... sm-smuggling drugs!"

"That's not what you meant to say, isn't it?" While Kurumi was attempting to lure him in to the answer she wanted to hear, Sarge just stood aside nervously and tried to direct attention away from the both of them.

"Sergeant Sarge McSarge of the UNSC, come in." Sarge's transciever suddenly ordered. "This is the UNSC _Ursa Major. _Requesting your coordinates for exfiltration-"

"Exfiltration?!" Sarge shouted incredulously, attracting that unwanted attention to him _and _Kurumi. "Unless you can travel back in time and back to the future, that's gonna be completely useless."

Suddenly, one of the room service ladies walked up to the counter. Obviously, by the looks, she was one of those old 90+ women by the way she walked, but it was pretty obvious to guess her age just by looking at her. "It's okay, they're with me." She nodded. "I'll pay for them. It's just one night, correct?"

"Yyyyes." Nervously nodded Sarge. When he was younger, he was that one person who refused to be kissed by his old grandma. He was one of those people that felt extremely insecure around older people, _much _older people.

"Oookay then, that'll be 999999 Yen." The room register nodded. "For a night." After he did a quick calculation on how much it would cost in 21st century USD (which was the "same" as all of the 26th century universal credits), Sarge's pupils shrunk all the way until they were no longer visible. "Are you going to pay credit or cash?"

Present...

"Guys. Ahem." Church popped up at the breakfast table, right in front of Simmons. "I have found something... quite disturbing. Yoshino and Caboose, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're going to have to eat outside. What I found is a little NSFW and NSFL."

"What is it?" Asked Agent Washington.

"First, I'm going to have to let ahem Caboose and Yoshino ahem exit, because... it's NSFK." Agent Washington hurriedly ushered Caboose and Yoshino out of the room and locked the door behind him so they couldn't enter. "Good. Okay, first of all, prepare to be shocked."

"Done," said Simmons as he folded his arms. "Is this about Sarge?"

"Yes and no," Church shrugged. He sat down on the edge of Caboose's cup of hot chocolate and leaned back slightly. "You see, somehow... remember how I told you about, like, how the Anti-Spirit team somehow managed to go into the future?" Everybody nodded in response, except for the spirits since they never really had an idea of what was going on. "Well, we're losing the fight that they're fighting. Yep. And I conclude that the AST has done so by acquiring the technology on the UNSC Infinity."

Simmons facepalmed in frustration. "G********," he groaned.

"Anyways, yesterday I managed to locate Sarge's and Kurumi's position riiiiiiight here." A holographic display beamed out of Church's helmet, displaying a 3x3 grid of security camera views. "This was at approximately... I don't know, sometime last night."

The upper right camera was displaying a corner view of the entire lobby. Sarge and Kurumi could be seen in a hotel room, lights out as Kurumi shut the door. "Earlier in the footage, they were talking to some old lady in the lobby who had supposedly paid for their one-night room. She was all like," Church pinched his nose as he emulated the old lady, "'don't wake up the entire hotel at night!'"

"The f**k?" Simmons recoiled in surprise as soon as he saw that they were both passionately making out whilst removing their clothing. "Church, what the h**l is this?"

"Well, you wanted to know where they were and what they were doing, right?!" Protested Church. "Oh, by the way, do you think Grif and Tucker would like this?"

"Shut up! I'm trying to watch!" Donut leaned in closer, inspecting the scene unfolding in front of them.

"Doc, what are they doing?" Tohka asked innocently. "Why is Sarge taking off Kurumi's clothing?"

"Because we Blood Gulch Spartans all have _yellow fever?_" Suggested Church. Everybody in the room who wasn't a spirit looked at Church with an I'm-gonna-kill-you-because-it's-the-truth face. Spork used to be the only Spartan to have an incurable desire for particularly Asian now, it had spread 500 years into the past and infected the Spartans. Unless it was a genetic disease. "Why are you looking at me like that? It's the truth."

Simmons had an argument. "We don't have yellow fever. We Spartans as teens liked the opposite gender of all races, except for Spork, who preferred the Asians. And why do we talk about girls more than we normally did?"

"Well, for starters, we're at an age where our hormones rage," Doc said. "Second, when we have nothing else to talk about that is interesting, it always reverts back to girls. Third, we're straight. Fourth, Asian women were found to be more preferred than any other race as of 2557 AND 2014."

"Is it because of their natural secret anti-aging potion that ultimately makes them age rapidly after the age of 60 as compensation?" Suggested Donut. In the video, there were no words to explain how many UNSC violations Sarge was breaking.

"I can literally imagine what Sarge said to her a few moments before... all this." Church cleared his throat and tried his best to imitate Sarge's voice. "Hey, baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed_rock!_"

_Silence._

Agent Washington said out of the blue, "What is the legal age in Japan that you are allowed to procreate with one another?"

"I think it was... 13," answered Simmons. "I might be wrong."

"13? HOLY F**K-A-ROLLI!" Yelled Church out loud. "So what they're doing is legal right now? _What they're doing?_" He reiterated the last part of the sentence, pointing at the room's security camera (for some reason, the room had security cameras) to the sight of a milestone achieved in the history of the Spartan-II program.

"I should write this as a book," Donut thought out loud. "Maybe it would outsell _Twilight _and _50SOG._" All of a sudden, the front door burst open (without causing any major damage), and in walked a terribly wasted Tucker, dragging an even-more wasted Grif behind him by his feet. By wasted, they were fricking _wasted._ Tucker rested Grif on the couch before he himself slumped over on the floor. "Tucker? GRIF? Where were you guys this entire time?"

"Whhhhat?" Groaned Tucker, dragging his feet behind to find out why Sarah was blushing as mad as the Great Horn Spoon while Kotori just blankly stared at whatever Church was projecting to them and trying to prevent Tucker from seeing what it was. As soon as he saw what _really _was happening, he instantaneously exploded with energy and pushed Simmons's chair out of the way, leaning in and grinning like an idiot. "HOOOOH! Whoo hoo hoo!" He took a flash drive out of his pocket and stuck it in Simmons's helmet, the place where Church had apparently kept all of his files. "Sorry 'bout that. See you later!" Tucker ran up to his room, ran back down with a laptop, dashed into the bathroom, and locked the door behind him.

"Did he seriously just...?" Kotori asked, dumbounded. Simmons stood up and approached the bathroom, smashing the door off of its frame with a swift punch. Tucker screamed out loud as Simmons lifted him off of the toilet seat and pushed him into the family room with his jeans at his ankles and cyan, flannel boxers still on.

500 years later...

Isaac Wescott stared past the vast lengths of space, almost as if he was looking for something. Sure, he had complete control (not yet) over the UNSC, but that wasn't his goal.

He smiled and said, "I'll look forwards to see you, Doc."

* * *

**Worst ending ever. Oh well, I hope you liked the first update in a long time!**


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